Quit it.

What my daughter said to me that night wasn’t magical.

It should have been. It probably looked like it was, but I assure you, it wasn’t. But then I’m getting ahead of myself.

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to bring my family with me to a conference I spoke at. It was a huge event with thousands of people, a massive 100 foot wide video screen behind the stage, and production that was incredible. After I finished my speech, I walked off stage and sat back in the front row with my family.

My six year old daughter, McRae, jumped up from her seat where she had been listening to my talk. She threw her arms wide and gave me a big hug.

That meant the world to me.

Then I put her on my lap and we sat together while a band played a few worship songs.

After a few minutes of just the most beautiful music and amazing worship, McRae turned to me to whisper something in my ear. I assumed she was going to say one of those little kid spiritual things that make you cry a little on the inside and make you want to buy your kid a puppy. Something like:

(more…)

If you ever meet my kids and ask them about the ice cream store, they will tell you something pretty surprising:

“It’s often closed on Saturdays.”

Why do they believe that? Well, here’s the thing: When my kids were young, they would often scream if they saw the sign for the ice cream store. Or Waffle House. They loved Waffle House because it has hash browns and the oldest selection of jukebox songs on the planet. Nope, actually they loved the waffles and the buckets of syrup they’d try to snatch out of the waitresses hands when she wasn’t looking. (Is there a stickier place on the planet than the surface of a Waffle House table? I submit “no.”)

So one day, when we were driving by an ice cream store and they screamed “We want to go!!!,” I may or may not have said, “It’s closed today.”

And that was a lie. Similar to the lie we tell them when we act like “breakfast supper” is an exciting moment and not an indication that mom and dad have failed to go to the grocery store all week.

But my lying ways have been topped. A friend told me a parenting lie that put me to shame. (Or maybe made me feel less shame. It’s a toss up.) Her friends tell a lie about the ice cream man, and here it is:

“The ice cream man only turns the music on in his truck when he’s out of ice cream.”

Every time her kids would see the ice cream man, they would get excited, right up to the moment when he turned on the music, indicating that he was out of ice cream.

That’s horrible. But also funny.

So today, my question for you is:
What’s the silliest lie you’ve ever told your kids, or what’s the silliest lie your parents ever told you?

I wish I could take credit for this phrase, but I can’t. The “spank offering” is such a perfect complement to the “love offering” (SCL #72) that it makes my teeth hurt a little. What does it mean? I’ll allow author Beth Moore to explain it. Here’s something she tweeted over the weekend:

@bethmoorelpm
Have any of y’all ever wanted to give a spank offering to someone else’s child? Not really but kinda?

It immediately reminded me of two things:

1. I love Beth Moore. In addition to being amazingly kind to my family, she’s got a great sense of humor.
2. This post – “Not knowing what to do about good friends who are raising punk kids.”

And the funny thing is, that at some point, we’ve all been the parents with kids who need to receive a “spank offering.” This concept isn’t limited to “good parents” or “bad parents,” it’s “all parents.”

So, have you ever wanted to give a spank offering?

I want to be honest with you. Prior to moving to Nashville, I never really owned any sort of “skinny jean.” I never owned any pairs of pants that seemed like you were trying to deliberately suffocate your legs in denim.

(more…)

Last week, my friend told us something really amazing she was doing to encourage her son’s curiosity in the Bible.

(more…)

Last week, the Friendly Atheist, who has been incredibly kind to Stuff Christians Like, thought something I wrote was unintentionally funny. In the Snopes post he thought it was odd that I felt the need to explain what Snopes was. It’s so well known and so obvious that he didn’t think I needed to.

This is how intense life is at the Acuff house.

But when I asked my mom if she had heard of Snopes, she instantly replied, “You mean Snopes Dog?” So with today’s post, in addition to giving you a photo of my four year old McRae throwing up a gang sign she learned from the original movie “Parent Trap,” while wearing Silly Bandz, I thought I better describe them. They’re colored rubber bands that are hot like fire right now. (And is my whole family “street” or what? Mom, Snoop Dog reference, Crae throwing it up. Dang)

(more…)

“There are lots of other families who don’t even have televisions.”

(more…)

My kids are hilarious. Everybody says that. By law you are required to say that your kids are smart and beautiful and have tremendous vertical leaps, but trust me, my kids are legitimately funny. We work on material. Tuesday night is open mic night and we each stand on the hearth and deliver up to three minutes of new material. My oldest daughter L.E. is thinking about joining little league baseball just for some new joke material similar to how Jerry Seinfeld had a baby so he could tell parenthood jokes. It’s a real scene man.

(more…)

“Hey L.E. you ready for Awanas? Oh, that’s right, there’s no ‘s’ on the end of that word. There really should be. People get so upset when you add one, but unless there is only one Awana sitting in a room by themselves, much like my first meet and greet, that should really be pluralized.

(more…)