(It’s guest post Friday! When I wrote the book Quitter, my editor removed an entire chapter. I was crushed at first until he explained why. He said, “You’re just repeating yourself. The ideas in this chapter aren’t new and it reads like filler.” And he was right. So when Ken Edwards submitted this guest post, I knew I had to share because as a writer, I’m guilty of thinking this way sometimes. And, you’ve probably read a book exactly like the ones Ken is about to describe. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!) 

SNL-ing a Christian book. By Ken Edwards

The thing that’s always frustrated me about Saturday Night Live is that the show is about 40% too long. It’s usually funny from 11:30 until maybe 12:15 or 12:20, but then almost all of what happens from there up until 1 am isn’t even remotely funny. And I’ve wondered for the last 25 years, why don’t they just sign off at 12:30 and be done with it?

It would be really easy to do. Instead of 5-minute sketches, make them 3. The first 3 are usually funny, but then they just drag on for seemingly no reason. Why not get in there, hit the punch line, make your point, then bow out gracefully?

I wonder the same thing about most Christian books. It seems that they are all—well, at least the ones I’ve read—about 40% too long. In a 200-page Christian book, the author has pretty much exhaustively made his/her point by page 140.

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(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Stewart Conkle.  He writes a blog called Hustle and Go. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!) 

Church Greeter Ninjas by Stewart Conkle

I was raised in a very big, very popular, traditional church in Atlanta. As a child, I remember going to BIG church for the first time. I was in awe. The auditorium was cavernous. It was ornately decorated. The lighting fixtures that hung from the ceiling were gold and shiny. The carpet was burnt orange, and the choir members wore baby blue robes that really made the two colors pop.

The greeters at this church were mostly elderly people. The women wore long dresses. Usually with flower prints. The men all wore three-piece suits and heavy cologne. (Possibly a musk of some sort, an Old Spice perhaps.) That’s how it used to be.

Churches have changed drastically over the years. The older, traditional churches are becoming more rare. The men and women who greet you at the door, dressed to the nines, are all but gone.

The greeters of today are like highly trained, very friendly covert ninjas. They dress to look like you and I. They prefer t-shirts and denim instead of fancy suits. They wear Chuck Taylors instead of penny loafers. In short, they blend in. Becoming one with the crowd because that’s what ninjas do.

They are always mindful of visitors because first impressions go a long way. There is a subtlety to what they do. They want to make you feel at home, but they don’t want to smother you. They want to give you the answers you seek, but they don’t want to overload you with info. Their senses are keen, and they have eyes like an eagle. They can see a first-time visitor when they pull into the parking lot. Here are three things that give first-timers away.

1. First-timers are bewildered.
Greeter ninjas can see it in our eyes. We first-timers are looking for something but not sure what. Our eyes dart around randomly. We aren’t sure where to go or what to do. This is where the greeter ninja has to act fast. Timing is crucial. Every second I’m lost as a first-time visitor equates to another reason why I won’t come back. It can be a traumatic time for first-timers, and the greeter has to be our rock.

2. First-timers often come in packs.
No one wants to visit an unfamiliar place alone. First-time visitors often recruit a support group. Family. Friends. Random people in the parking lot. For the greeter ninja, the pack is easy to spot. We clump up and move together like a school of fish. We all have the same mindset. Just like point number one, if one of us is bewildered, then we’re all bewildered. Again, it’s crucial that the greeter ninja acts fast when they see the pack in distress.

3. First-timers are rarely on time.
There are a myriad of reasons why I might be late the first time I visit your church. It’s sometimes on purpose. I’m not sure of how the church worships and that creates anxiety. Do they do the hands in the air thing, or do they sit and sing softly so that no one can hear their voice? Do they sing songs they know, or do they sing the new song that is ten minutes long, has 12 verses, and was written by the worship pastor? Those are all valid points. However, greeters rarely get the set list in advance. Sorry. You’re on your own there kid.

The biggest reason we first-timers are late is that we get lost in the labyrinth of cones and cars in the parking lot. If I’m not careful, I’ll circle the parking lot for eternity. This is where our parking lot greeter ninjas come in. Acting quickly, they giftedly guide and direct first-timers, one car load at a time.

We have all been first-time visitors. The greeter ninjas know how you feel. They know both the stress and the excitement of visiting a new church. Keep in mind that they, the greeters, are there for you. In the shadows. Ready to assist when the moment arrives.

Question:
Does your church have greeters?

(For more great stuff from Stewart, read his blog or follow him on Twitter!) 

(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Ben Cotten. He writes a blog over at bencotten.net. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

The Clap Offering – By Ben Cotten

I grew up in a non-denominational church that did “modern” worship before it was cool. Granted, what we did wasn’t exactly Hillsong United, but it did involve an overhead projector and a PA system. It was the 7-11 approach to worship music. 7 words, sung 11 times. Remember “I Exalt Thee”? Ever heard that song done 11 times with a polka beat? You haven’t lived.

A lot of things have changed since then, but one thing has not.

The Clap Offering.

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(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Joe Bunting.  He writes and teaches people to write over at The Write Practice. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!) 

Cloves, Hookahs, and Other Non-Cigarettes. – By Joe Bunting

I was still in high school the first time I saw someone smoking a clove. I thought he was a heathen. My conclusion: cloves must be like cigarettes for pot smokers.

I had to go to a Christian college to see how wrong I was. The Christians who smoked cigarettes at my SoCal Christian college were outcasts, pariahs. They might as well have been Democrats (some of them were Democrats). Our campus was tobacco free. To smoke their sticks of sin they had to go hide in the “smoker’s bush” where they wouldn’t be caught by security, but we all knew their shameful secret. They came back reeking of guilt.

Cloves, however, were another matter. Cloves, compared to soul- and body-destroying cigarettes, smelled like a warm summer breeze through a flower garden. They weren’t “real” cigarettes. The box even denied it—they were cigarillos. We would go down to the beach beside a resort for the disgustingly wealthy and smoke them while watching the waves break. It was what the cool Christians did.

Later, Dr. New Testament told our class that he smoked hookah. What the heck is hookah, we asked. “It’s a water pipe with a very weak tobacco,” he informed us. We stared in shock.

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(It’s guest post Friday! Here is a Christmas themed post from John Crist. John is a standup comedian from Colorado. If you want to guest post, here’s how!)

Questioning People’s Parenting Skills By The Gifts They Give Their Kids. By John Crist 

I have a problem with Wiseman #1. Frankincense and Myrrh? Sure. I mean, as a gift, they are a little bit of a stretch to give to an infant, but it’s the thought that counts.

Gold? Thoughtless.

It’s like giving an iTunes gift card to your grandmother. Before you explain iTunes, you’re gonna need to explain computers, the internet, CDs, MP3s, the iPod, and Napster. She’ll have had her cup of decaf and be asleep by the time you mention the Winklevoss Twins. It’s just not worth it.

As a young carpenter, Jesus was probably using that bar of gold to pound nails. (Granted, if Dave Ramsey would have been living, he would have instructed Jesus to invest that gold in a high-yield, no-load, growth stock mutual fund…but that’s neither here nor there.)

The worst part is that Mary and Joseph green-lighted this whole gift-giving event.

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(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Jeff Jones, the drummer for Big Daddy Weave. Their song “Just the Way I Am” is one of my favorite songs. You can follow Jeff on Twitter @jeffdrummer. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!) 

The 4 types of clappers. By Jeff Jones

Having played drums in over 1,500 concerts with my band Big Daddy Weave, you can imagine I have observed things from stage that render me speechless from time to time. I’ve seen full-out sprints run around the sanctuary, dance moves that defy description, and heard fish-shaped streamer clad tambourines played with technique to make a Juilliard-trained symphony percussionist green with envy.

However, nothing quite captures my attention from behind the drum set like the different methods of hand clapping displayed in the audience. I have narrowed the different methods down to 4 distinct categories. Make no mistake: There may be different versions within each category, but I have found these 4 to represent the majority.

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(It’s guest post Friday! In order to celebrate the holiday season here at SCL, the next few weeks’ guest posts will all be Christmas themed! Today’s is from Amy Green, a blogger and a junior Professional Writing major at a Christian college. We’re grateful she broke her vow about listening to Christmas music before Thanksgiving in order to write this post! If you would like to guest post, here’s how.) 

Kids’ Christmas Program Field Guide. -By Amy Green

While visiting relatives’ churches around the holiday season, I’ve noticed something startling: there are certain kinds of kids you will find in every choir. This year, instead of cringing your way through a painfully off-key version of “Silent Night,” play Choir Bingo and try to spot the following kids:

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(It’s guest post week at SCL since my wife and I are in Vietnam!  Today’s is from Noah Albrecht and it’s illustrated! It’s like SCL the graphic novel. Noah is a web designer on the Dave Ramsey Team. Check out his blog or follow him on Twitter.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL,here’s how!)

The Ninja Nod-off. By- Noah Albrecht

Okay, raise your hands if you’ve ever experienced a Sunday morning sermon that didn’t quite meet your conscious needs.

We’ve all been there once or twice.

Let me break down a scenario for you:

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(It’s guest post week at SCL since my wife and I are in Vietnam!  Today’s guest post is from Tamara Lunardo.  Tamara is the editor of the upcoming book What a Woman is Worth (now accepting submissions) and a blogger at Tamara Out Loud and A Deeper Story. She’s pretty sure she is not a hipster, but that shouldn’t stop you from following her on Facebook or Twitter.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

Suspecting You Attend a Hipster Church: A Quiz. By- Tamara Out Loud

With the recent rise in popularity of several pastors sporting dark-rimmed glasses and an elusive air of cool, Christians everywhere are asking themselves the weighty doctrinal question, Do I attend a hipster church? Here to offer discernment, a quiz:

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(It’s guest post week at SCL since my wife and I are in Vietnam!  Here’s a new one from Gyasi Byng.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

Christian Video Games. By – Gyasi Byng

I spent a good part of my childhood learning the nuances of Super Smash Brothers and Mario Kart, but could you imagine how holy I would be now if those hours had been spent playing The Ten Commandants on Nintendo 64? I’m pretty sure that I would be a Super Christian able to see through the world’s lies and leap temptation in a single verse.

Because I may some day have kids that may be gamers just like their mother, here’s my list of 7 Christian video games I would like to see in the future. (more…)