(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Aaron Earls. He writes a blog at TheWardrobeDoor.com and he is also on Twitter @WardrobeDoor.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

Moses Was A Wuss & Potential Viral Sensation

Wait, can I say wuss? I’m always a little iffy on which words are safe. Is pansy offensive to flowers? I mean, I could go old-school with scaredy cat, but I don’t think that phrase is so old-school it’s ironically new school, yet. How about you just insert your own acceptable word for someone who is terrified of everything and screams like a little school girl? That’s not to be offensive to little school girls, who may in fact not be stereotypically scared of things. Is it just me, or are headlines hard to write?

Whatever word you choose, Moses was that. I never thought of Moses as being scared. I always saw him with a sweet beard, wearing a red robe (always a red robe) carrying a stick and cursing the Earth-conquering Apes in front of a collapsed Statue of Liberty. As it turns out, I’ve really got to stop getting my theology and biblical information from Hollywood. (more…)

(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Brittany Johnson. You can follow her on Twitter and read her blog. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

Ring by Spring or Your Money Back – by Brittany Johnson

If you went to a Christian college, you may be familiar with this term: “Ring by spring or your money back.” From my Christian undergraduate experience, I am very familiar with the expectation of “ring by spring,” which is introduced early on in the Christian undergraduate experience. For me, it was during the first week of orientation when the guy on the microphone leading the icebreakers announced, “Look at the person standing next to you. You never know, but they may become your future spouse!”

Of course, as nervous freshmen we laughed it off, but deep down we all knew the clock was now ticking to find “the one.” The phrase “ring by spring or your money back” is of course biblical in that our great commission is to find our hot godly spouse in the context of Christian higher education in order to then help populate the earth. There are many ways this can be accomplished in the four years that you have while attending a Christian university, and I have taken the time to define some terms and steps that are often used in the process:

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(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Stephen Pepper, who blogs about youth work and youth ministry at YouthWorkin’ It. You can also follow him on Twitter @youthworkinit. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

The U.S. vs. the U.K. by Stephen Pepper.

The recent popularity of the hit show Downton Abbey has inspired a whole new generation of people to ask the question, “Is that what life is really like in England?” And the quick answer is, “Yes, yes it is. Almost exactly.” In addition to trying to keep my countless footmen, valets and housemaids in order, we Brits are also under tremendous pressure to make sure words like “Downton” are spelled and pronounced correctly. (Be honest, how tempting is it to spell that word as “Downtown?”) Although I can’t speak to every nuance to British life in this post, I think I can clear up a few differences about church. After growing up in the U.K. and moving to the U.S. two years ago, I’ve noticed quite a lot of differences in how church is done on a Sunday. Here’s a (not so) cultural guide for both countries: (more…)

(It’s guest post Friday! Here is a new one from John Crist. John is a standup comedian from Colorado. If you want to guest post, here’s how!)

Using “Ministry” to Avoid Real-Life Responsibility by John Crist

I was homeschooled.

A lot of people make fun of homeschoolers. Not me. I loved it. Looking back on it, homeschool was the goodest thing that ever happened to me.

Somehow I graduated college with no job prospects, no career plan, no resume, and no wife. I understand why I didn’t have a job. But I’m still not sure as to why I wasn’t married. It was probably the result of the fact that:

A). I drove a purple Volvo.

B). I referred to women as broads.

C). I looked like this.

D). All of the Above

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(It’s guest post Friday! When I wrote the book Quitter, my editor removed an entire chapter. I was crushed at first until he explained why. He said, “You’re just repeating yourself. The ideas in this chapter aren’t new and it reads like filler.” And he was right. So when Ken Edwards submitted this guest post, I knew I had to share because as a writer, I’m guilty of thinking this way sometimes. And, you’ve probably read a book exactly like the ones Ken is about to describe. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!) 

SNL-ing a Christian book. By Ken Edwards

The thing that’s always frustrated me about Saturday Night Live is that the show is about 40% too long. It’s usually funny from 11:30 until maybe 12:15 or 12:20, but then almost all of what happens from there up until 1 am isn’t even remotely funny. And I’ve wondered for the last 25 years, why don’t they just sign off at 12:30 and be done with it?

It would be really easy to do. Instead of 5-minute sketches, make them 3. The first 3 are usually funny, but then they just drag on for seemingly no reason. Why not get in there, hit the punch line, make your point, then bow out gracefully?

I wonder the same thing about most Christian books. It seems that they are all—well, at least the ones I’ve read—about 40% too long. In a 200-page Christian book, the author has pretty much exhaustively made his/her point by page 140.

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(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Stewart Conkle.  He writes a blog called Hustle and Go. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!) 

Church Greeter Ninjas by Stewart Conkle

I was raised in a very big, very popular, traditional church in Atlanta. As a child, I remember going to BIG church for the first time. I was in awe. The auditorium was cavernous. It was ornately decorated. The lighting fixtures that hung from the ceiling were gold and shiny. The carpet was burnt orange, and the choir members wore baby blue robes that really made the two colors pop.

The greeters at this church were mostly elderly people. The women wore long dresses. Usually with flower prints. The men all wore three-piece suits and heavy cologne. (Possibly a musk of some sort, an Old Spice perhaps.) That’s how it used to be.

Churches have changed drastically over the years. The older, traditional churches are becoming more rare. The men and women who greet you at the door, dressed to the nines, are all but gone.

The greeters of today are like highly trained, very friendly covert ninjas. They dress to look like you and I. They prefer t-shirts and denim instead of fancy suits. They wear Chuck Taylors instead of penny loafers. In short, they blend in. Becoming one with the crowd because that’s what ninjas do.

They are always mindful of visitors because first impressions go a long way. There is a subtlety to what they do. They want to make you feel at home, but they don’t want to smother you. They want to give you the answers you seek, but they don’t want to overload you with info. Their senses are keen, and they have eyes like an eagle. They can see a first-time visitor when they pull into the parking lot. Here are three things that give first-timers away.

1. First-timers are bewildered.
Greeter ninjas can see it in our eyes. We first-timers are looking for something but not sure what. Our eyes dart around randomly. We aren’t sure where to go or what to do. This is where the greeter ninja has to act fast. Timing is crucial. Every second I’m lost as a first-time visitor equates to another reason why I won’t come back. It can be a traumatic time for first-timers, and the greeter has to be our rock.

2. First-timers often come in packs.
No one wants to visit an unfamiliar place alone. First-time visitors often recruit a support group. Family. Friends. Random people in the parking lot. For the greeter ninja, the pack is easy to spot. We clump up and move together like a school of fish. We all have the same mindset. Just like point number one, if one of us is bewildered, then we’re all bewildered. Again, it’s crucial that the greeter ninja acts fast when they see the pack in distress.

3. First-timers are rarely on time.
There are a myriad of reasons why I might be late the first time I visit your church. It’s sometimes on purpose. I’m not sure of how the church worships and that creates anxiety. Do they do the hands in the air thing, or do they sit and sing softly so that no one can hear their voice? Do they sing songs they know, or do they sing the new song that is ten minutes long, has 12 verses, and was written by the worship pastor? Those are all valid points. However, greeters rarely get the set list in advance. Sorry. You’re on your own there kid.

The biggest reason we first-timers are late is that we get lost in the labyrinth of cones and cars in the parking lot. If I’m not careful, I’ll circle the parking lot for eternity. This is where our parking lot greeter ninjas come in. Acting quickly, they giftedly guide and direct first-timers, one car load at a time.

We have all been first-time visitors. The greeter ninjas know how you feel. They know both the stress and the excitement of visiting a new church. Keep in mind that they, the greeters, are there for you. In the shadows. Ready to assist when the moment arrives.

Question:
Does your church have greeters?

(For more great stuff from Stewart, read his blog or follow him on Twitter!) 

(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Ben Cotten. He writes a blog over at bencotten.net. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!)

The Clap Offering – By Ben Cotten

I grew up in a non-denominational church that did “modern” worship before it was cool. Granted, what we did wasn’t exactly Hillsong United, but it did involve an overhead projector and a PA system. It was the 7-11 approach to worship music. 7 words, sung 11 times. Remember “I Exalt Thee”? Ever heard that song done 11 times with a polka beat? You haven’t lived.

A lot of things have changed since then, but one thing has not.

The Clap Offering.

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(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Joe Bunting.  He writes and teaches people to write over at The Write Practice. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!) 

Cloves, Hookahs, and Other Non-Cigarettes. – By Joe Bunting

I was still in high school the first time I saw someone smoking a clove. I thought he was a heathen. My conclusion: cloves must be like cigarettes for pot smokers.

I had to go to a Christian college to see how wrong I was. The Christians who smoked cigarettes at my SoCal Christian college were outcasts, pariahs. They might as well have been Democrats (some of them were Democrats). Our campus was tobacco free. To smoke their sticks of sin they had to go hide in the “smoker’s bush” where they wouldn’t be caught by security, but we all knew their shameful secret. They came back reeking of guilt.

Cloves, however, were another matter. Cloves, compared to soul- and body-destroying cigarettes, smelled like a warm summer breeze through a flower garden. They weren’t “real” cigarettes. The box even denied it—they were cigarillos. We would go down to the beach beside a resort for the disgustingly wealthy and smoke them while watching the waves break. It was what the cool Christians did.

Later, Dr. New Testament told our class that he smoked hookah. What the heck is hookah, we asked. “It’s a water pipe with a very weak tobacco,” he informed us. We stared in shock.

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(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Stephen & Shae Pepper. They write a blog for youth, YouthWorkinIt. You can follow them on Twitter @YouthWorkinIt. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!) 

CCMdar – by Stephen & Shae Pepper

It’s the day before the day before Christmas. Chances are you’re about to go on a road trip to see some family.

Over the last couple of years, my wife and I have done two road trips from Virginia to California and back again. Not only is this a lot of miles, it’s also a lot of music. When you’re driving this far you have to change radio stations quite often, as the one you’re listening to goes out of range.

Through all this station-changing, we’ve developed a pretty good CCMdar. What’s a CCMdar? It’s a radar located where your ear connects to the brain, that helps you tell if it’s a Christian radio station while scanning through stations. In fact, we’ve honed our CCMdar so well that it only takes 2.71 seconds for us to identify if it’s a Christian radio station.

Want to know how to refine your own CCMdar skills? Here are some features that give away Christian radio stations: (more…)

(It’s guest post Friday! Here is a Christmas themed post from John Crist. John is a standup comedian from Colorado. If you want to guest post, here’s how!)

Questioning People’s Parenting Skills By The Gifts They Give Their Kids. By John Crist 

I have a problem with Wiseman #1. Frankincense and Myrrh? Sure. I mean, as a gift, they are a little bit of a stretch to give to an infant, but it’s the thought that counts.

Gold? Thoughtless.

It’s like giving an iTunes gift card to your grandmother. Before you explain iTunes, you’re gonna need to explain computers, the internet, CDs, MP3s, the iPod, and Napster. She’ll have had her cup of decaf and be asleep by the time you mention the Winklevoss Twins. It’s just not worth it.

As a young carpenter, Jesus was probably using that bar of gold to pound nails. (Granted, if Dave Ramsey would have been living, he would have instructed Jesus to invest that gold in a high-yield, no-load, growth stock mutual fund…but that’s neither here nor there.)

The worst part is that Mary and Joseph green-lighted this whole gift-giving event.

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