Laughter is a gift from God. When we refuse to accept it, it makes Him want to take it back. Like the unicorns.

139. The "Choir Side Step Dance."

during church April 11, 2008 • Comments

When I was in college in the middle of my disasterous rave phase, some basketball players from my school saw me dancing at a night club in Birmingham called “The Studio.” No big deal, except at the time I was “dancing” with two glow sticks that I had purchased in the camping section of Wal-Mart. I was swirling them about awkwardly to techno music like Will Ferrell with the ribbon in the movie, “Old School.” They made fun of me for months.

I would have been much better just doing that simple Choir Side Step Dance. (There’s got to be a better name for this move.) This is the thing choirs do when they shift from one foot to the other and kind of angle their shoulders. Back and forth. Back and forth. Work it out. Is it a side step? A two step shift? Hard to say, but all the American Idol contestants were doing it last night perfectly as they sang “Shout to the Lord*.”

Choirs invented this move in 1973 when they realized they wanted to dance a little but they didn’t have room on the stage. So they came up with this side move so they could still express about 12% of the funk without bumping into each other. But it’s gone viral and you see it outside of church now. At nightclubs, guys that don’t have any rhythm will pull this move off, right before the try to dance behind you. I’m sorry. On behalf of all men, let me please just say, we’re sorry. We interpreted you dancing with your friends and not making any eye contact with us whatsoever as you saying, “Hey complete stranger come dance behind me, let’s fall in love.”

*Yes, my head would have exploded if they had performed, “Our God is an Awesome God.”

138. Saying "I grew up in the church."

my bad/ stuff christians say April 11, 2008 • Comments

Whenever people asked me if I were a Christian, I would say, “Yeah, my dad is a pastor.” That’s not really an answer to that question and neither is “I grew up in the church.” That’s a funny phrase, but it’s the most popular thing I hear in testimonies. I used to say it a lot too until I realized it wasn’t true. If I grew up in submarine for instance I would probably have really intimate knowledge of the ocean and it’s mechanics. But I had just sort of passed through the church experience. Eli grew up in the church. I went a few hours a week. I think it’s more accurate for me to say, “I grew out of the church.” Somewhere in college I got really tired of going through the motions and mentally/spiritually/emotionally I checked out. It wasn’t the church’s fault, it was mine.

Today’s different though. In the last three years a lot has changed. And I have a new phrase I want to propose. I’m a huge fan of “retiring” old ideas like “I grew up in the church.” So like a gun for money trade in program I’m suggesting you lay down that phrase and walk away with a new one. Instead, let’s start saying, “I grew into the church.” I think that’s what God’s about. Helping us not grow up in a location, but more grow to embody a destination. Let’s become the church. Let’s be the church.

137. Holding retreats at locations that could double as horror movies.

youth group April 11, 2008 • Comments

It’s possible that all your church retreats were held in lovely fields of flowers. After making friendship bracelets with your best friends you had a big tickle fight with baby deer and bunny rabbits before eating smores around the amber glow of a bonfire.

My retreats were different.

Especially the ones that were held at Cape Cod Sea Camps. During the fall this otherwise full camp, pressed hard against the ocean, was empty. And we must have received a good deal on it, because for a few years running that was where my youth group went. Until the whole “demon possession” thing.

Walt Mueller was the guest speaker and in typical Saturday night retreat fashion, he had told us to go off alone to think about what we had heard that night. I wasn’t thrilled. Cape Cod Sea Camps is a series of concrete bunker type buildings hidden in the dunes and sea scrubbed forests of New England. Steps from any door you are swallowed by darkness and ocean air and sand.

After a few minutes in solitary thought, we were supposed to return to the basement entrance of the building we were meeting in. When I came back there was a single candle lit in the middle of a circle of chairs. (I need to post about youth group “special effects.”) When we all finally came back we realized that someone was missing. That’s when we started hearing the screaming. It got louder and louder and louder, slowly circling the building. Youth leaders scattered like my grandma at the opening scene of the movie American Beauty.

In the only window in the basement I saw Karen, a dog groomer by day, lean back and slap a girl in the forehead. She passed out. They drove her home. We all went and had ice cream and pretended nothing had happened.

Turns out it was a nervous breakdown. She was fine. We talk about it to this day. And maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you had the field of flowers experience, but I have to believe that somewhere down the road your youth minister saved the church some money by booking your retreat in the most terrifying place in your state.

136. Dropping "wake up" phrases in sermons.

during church April 10, 2008 • Comments

One of the things I love doing is taking something that is accepted in one context and putting it in another context. For instance, not nearly enough people make fun of Vin Diesel for changing his name to Vin Diesel. Even before he was a star he made his friends call him Vin Diesel instead of his real name, Mark Vincent. I think because he’s a movie star we accept that, but take it out of Hollywood for a second. What if one of your friends just said one day, “Hey, from now on call me Max Power.” (That’s Simpsons reference #435 if you’re playing along at home.) You and all your friends would make fun of that person for years and years and years because in the right context, the giving yourself a fake name is funny.

So recently I started thinking about the “please pay attention” phrases ministers love to weave into their sermons. Right in the middle of an idea, they’ll not so subtly say, “Watch this.” Or “Follow me” or “Listen up” or perhaps my all time favorite, “are you tracking with me?” It’s meant to be the equivalent of the clickety clickety sound a roller coaster makes as you near the top of the biggest hill. It’s supposed to draw you in, get your ready and then throw you right into some new knowledge. But what if you used those phrases in your everyday conversation? Try it today, it will probably look like this:

Me:
“The focus group last night was really interesting.”

Co-worker:
“Really? What did you learn?”

Me:
“Well the new concepts were well received. But watch this, one of the men in the room didn’t like the new idea. Follow me, the women in the room responded well, but the guys didn’t. Are you tracking with me?”

Co-worker:
“I hate you.”

At the bare minimum it’s a fun way to pass the day.
(Thanks Lindsey for reminding me this happens.)

135. Dave Ramsey

Misc April 10, 2008 • Comments

If Dave Ramsey ever ran for president of the south he would win by roughly 19 billion votes. Seriously, it’s hard to drive the highways in the southeast without seeing a billboard for his nationally syndicated radio program. (I need folks on the West Coast and abroad to confirm if Dave’s gotten that big.)

My wife and I read his book on financial freedom a few years ago and liked it. It’s simple stuff on managing money and eliminating credit debt for the most part, but in a complicated world, simple stuff can feel like gold. There are three things I like about Ramsey:

1. He used to be poor.
He was bankrupt at one point. I like that he’s been to the bottom and back again. That lends his message a degree of credibility. Not that ever drug counselor needs to have been a drug addict, but it does help create a good vibe for Ramsey.

2. He’s got a great hook.
My favorite Ramsey idea is, “Act your wage.” That’s cheesy, I agree, and maybe he didn’t write it first, but I still think that’s smart.

3. He hasn’t become Rick James.
Despite the millions of dollars and insane success Ramsey still seems like he’s being himself. Me? I can be a jerk with about a nickel in my pocket. That’s my biggest fear about this blog. If it becomes a book ever and I make $19, I’ll probably be about five minutes from going to a bar in downtown Atlanta and yelling “make it rain,” while throwing dollar bills at people like Puff Daddy, P-Diddy, Diddy, Sean John, Sean Combs.

134. Witnessing to people that don’t believe in the Bible using the Bible.

Bible/ my bad/ witnessing April 10, 2008 • Comments

This one is just cuckoo, but I promise it happens. I have some friends that if you open the door to hear about God or Jesus or Faith with them will immediately turn to the Bible to prove that all of the three mentioned subjects are true and good and worth giving your life to. The problem is that some people just don’t believe in the Bible. At all. So here is what those conversations tend to look like:

Christian friend:
“It’s a cliche to see it on signs at football games, but the message of John 3:16 is still a gift that holds true for all of us.”

Non Christian friend:
“That’s cool, but I don’t believe in the Bible.”

Christian friend:
“What do you mean? Which part?”

Non Christian friend:
“The words part.”

Christian friend:
“What?”

Non Christian friend:
“I don’t believe in it. I don’t think it’s the word of God or some sort of holy truth.”

Christian friend:
(Awkward silence.) “OK, but in Romans it says …”

Clearly this isn’t how all my friends or all Christians are. But, if your Bible is the only outward expression or explanation of your faith then the minute you meet someone that does not believe in it you’ve hit a serious wall. It’s like trying to tell someone that lived their whole life in the desert how deep the ocean is and how many animals live in it. They don’t even believe in the concept of salt water, never mind the miracle of oceanic life. You’ve got to live it. You have to be the ocean and express your life in such a way that even if all they’ve seen are sandstorms for the last twenty years, when they’re around you, they can’t help but start to hear the waves.

133. Refusing to paint my mural.

Kids April 10, 2008 • Comments

I think Bible story murals might be slowly dying. As much as we love them, I am starting to see them at less and less churches. The days of having Noah’s Ark painted on the walls of your area for kids is slowly giving way to more contemporary creative interpretations of the Bible. And I’m fine with that as long as someone will finally paint my idea for a mural. I am of course talking about the scene in 2 Kings when the prophet Elisha orders some bears to attack teenagers that called him bald.

Go ahead and reread that last sentence, it’s a weird one. But here’s what it says in 2 Kings 2:23-24:

From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. “Go on up, you baldhead!” they said. “Go on up, you baldhead!” He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

That story is insane, but here’s how I envision the mural. Elisha is standing in the middle of all these angry, bald hating teenagers. He looks really enraged and the caption out of his mouth says, “Do you know where you are? You’re in the jungle baby! You’re gonna die!” And then in the corner of the mural are two huge bears with hockey sticks. I’m not sure why they have hockey sticks but it seems a little tougher to me.

That’s my idea, but so far churches are refusing to take me up on it.

p.s. I once wrote a touching piece called “You’re Lucky I Don’t Have Access to Bears.” It was essentially a threat that if I had access to bears I would “bear” everyone that cut me off in traffic.

132. Thinking God Lost His "A" Game.

Bible/ god/ my bad April 10, 2008 • Comments

A missionary at a retreat that I barely knew came up to me one night with a message. He said God had given him something he was supposed to give me. So he told me a story.

That was weird to me. That felt a little strange or odd. That didn’t fit into the box I put God into. You see, I used to confine God to the Bible or the words of a minister. But I was wrong and I’m not alone.

Somewhere along the way, we quietly started believing the God that used to employ burning bushes and magical writing on the wall retired those methods of communication. He stopped talking with people in dreams. He quit doing weird and wild and ridiculous things. He got really small and really quiet.

He lost his A game.

But I think that’s wrong. I can’t understand why God would talk to Joseph, as in husband of Mary, about the birth of Jesus in a dream but he won’t talk to you that way. I can’t understand why Jesus would use examples like the way God cares about birds or teach us with seed and vine analogies if we’re not supposed to see him in nature.

So here’s what I am going to confess: I see signs of God in lots of places.

When secular band Angels and Airwaves sings:
“Where all the children left without a trace, only to come back as pure as gold”

I can’t help but think of Job 23: 10 which says:
“But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.”

In the song below I don’t hear Eddie Vedder, I hear what the Prodigal Son might have felt when he deserved to not be remembered as a son but was instead greeted with a party:

I swear I recognize your breath, memories like fingerprints are slowly raising
Me you wouldn’t recall, for I’m not my former
It’s hard when you’re stuck upon the shelf
I changed by not changing at all, small town predicts my fate, perhaps thats what no one wants to see. I just want to scream…hello…
My God its been so long, never dreamed you’d return
But now here you are, and here I am

I could play this game all night and I’ve written about this very concept before and will write about it again. The point isn’t less Bible or less church or less traditional things. If anything, it’s more. More seeing the Bible come to life in the everyday. More taking church outside the building. More seeing God in the way we look, not what we are looking at.

And that’s my question for you, where do you see God?

p.s. It was cool that for many people, the Fight Club post opened up a chance to talk about what they saw in that book/movie.

131. The Bald Worship Leader

Misc April 9, 2008 • Comments

After I wrote the post about the “mandatory youth minister goatee” I was flooded with emails about another phenomenon sweeping the nation, the “bald worship leader.”

Never one to deny attention to things that are sweeping the nation, I thought I would address it. I’m not bald and I’m not a worship leader either but if I ever lose my hair and a church has a need for a triangle-playing worship leader (only instrument I’ve got in the bag), here are three rules I am going to live by:

1. Refuse the temptation to be weird hat guy.
When you go bald I think there’s a deep urge to really explore all the wonders that the hat world has to offer. But when I see the currently cool Fidel Castro type hat on stage I don’t think, “here I am to worship.” I think, “here I am to overthrow a capitalist society.” From cowboy hats to bandanas and top hats, I think you have to be very careful when it comes to how you clothe your head. (Bret Michaels, we know you are bald. Stop it.)

2. Manage the sweat situation.
If I go bald, I am going to develop the most incredible ninja-like ability to keep my head sweat free. I’ll still be rocking out on my triangle, have no fear, but never will you find yourself hypnotized by betting on which bead of sweat will make it down my dome first.

3. Develop an awesome worship leader face.
Someone brought to my attention that in addition to musical skill, a worship leader must possess a face that helps set the tone. It must look engaged but not distant, focused but not unavailable, happy but also a little melodramatic. It’s hard to describe, but close your eyes, form a half smile, and imagine you’ve just taken a bite of your favorite food and happen to be holding an acoustic guitar.

I am sure there are other rules when it comes to being an awesome bald worship leader, but those are mine. Please note: I know there are a lot of amazing female worship leaders. Some of my favorite worship leaders are women. The church that I attend has a bunch, but thus far none of the ones I know have goatees or are bald. So until I think of something funny or someone sends me something about a quirk of female worship leaders, I am sparing them the ridiculousness of posts like this.

130. Praying at people.

my bad/ prayer April 9, 2008 • Comments

Ever done this? It’s pretty simple. This is where you want someone that is with you to do something but you don’t really know how to say it, so in the context of praying out loud you actually pray at them, instead of God. Imagine me and my wife are praying together and this is what I say out loud:

“God, I just pray you will help Jenny with her attitude. She’s been really grumpy lately and you are the God of all might and can change her negativity. I pray you will help her see the error of her ways and she will no longer go out so often with her friends at night Lord. I ask you to just lift her attempt to ban the show Family Guy in our house God. It’s really unreasonable. In your name I pray.”

None of that was for God. It was for my wife, but instead of saying it to her, I hid it inside the context of a prayer. Maybe you don’t do this, but I know I have and it’s not cool.