Laughter is a gift from God. When we refuse to accept it, it makes Him want to take it back. Like the unicorns.

267. Leaving things secretly in people’s mailboxes.

Misc June 1, 2008 • Comments

I used to be a mailman. I was a carny until I got fired, but that’s a short story for another day. One summer, I delivered mail in Framingham, Massachusetts with the jeep and the little shorts and the visor and I was horrible. I was so slow and inefficient that by the end of the day I had to sprint as fast as I could to finish my route. It was like that scene from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off where he is jumping fences and leaping bushes. I hated being a mailman, but there is one thing I have always loved about mail, the Christian leave behind.

Are you familiar with this move? This is where you leave some cash in an envelope in someone’s mailbox. Instead of giving it directly to them and risking them refusing to accept it, you just tuck it quietly in their mailbox.

It’s actually a really beautiful thing when executed correctly. And there’s the rub. Despite being extremely simple, it can actually be kind of difficult. If only there were a web site where someone sarcastic laid out steps on how to do things like this. If only.

How to do a mailbox leave behind:

1. Never leave a check.
I wish I didn’t have to write this, but I know this happens. Your checks have your name on them. If you decide not to leave cash you might as well honk your horn while you are leaving the check and yell out of your car window, “Hey poor person. I am giving you money right now! Hope this helps you be more not poor!”

2. Get the timing right.
Don’t just drop it off whenever. It’s key that you drop it off after the mail has come, but before they have got it. If you leave the envelope in the box before the mailman gets there, they might take it by mistake. Or because people like finding envelopes of cash. In order to figure out the best time to leave the money I suggest camping out with binoculars. Kind of like a police stake out. You might need to buy an old van and paint “Mike’s Plumbing” on the side to throw them off the scent.

3.Don’t use Pandas
If you are known for your deep and borderline scary affection for pandas, please don’t use your panda stationary to write a short note that you attach with the money. Like the Hardy Boys figuring out the mystery of Ghost Cave, it was old man Wilkerson behind the scheme, they’ll know it was you.

4. Don’t expect anything back.
I once secretly gave someone some money and then she proceeded to do some incredibly hurtful things to me and my family. I know it makes me sound like a bad Christian, but I immediately thought, “whoa, whoa, whoa. I gave you money, you should be nice to me and appreciate how kind I am.” That was the wrong attitude. If God calls you to give, just do it without expecting anything back.

5. Don’t mail it.
For one thing, it’s never good to mail cash. For another, driving to their house and hand delivering it is much more personal. Mailing it is the equivalent of sending a text message instead of a phone call. Unless they live on the other side of the planet. Then you better mail it.

I’ve never had something dropped off in my mailbox. But I think it’s a really cool reflection of our need to be compassionate. I hope it continues, just without pandas.

266. Seeing your pastor in shorts only at VBS.

pastors/ vbs June 1, 2008 • Comments

I have to confess, the first time I saw my fourth grade teacher at a restaurant, I was terrified. She was so out of context that it was like seeing a komodo dragon eating hot wings in a booth in Applebee’s. Had I been a more confident child, I would have walked up to her and said, “Mrs. Harris, what are you doing here? You live at school. You need to get back to school. My worlds are colliding right now.”

I didn’t say that, but I will say that sometimes we all get the same feeling when the pastor comes casually dressed to VBS. Although this feeling is diminishing as pastors start to wear jeans to church, back in the day, seeing those never exposed to natural light legs poking out of a pair of shorts was confusing.

My friend Jeff is a pretty serious guy and loves wearing work clothes. So much so that he mows his lawn in a pair of khaki pants. That’s kind of how I imagine pastors are too. Most of the time, they wear a suit or at least a fancy pair of pants. But that all changes for one week every summer. Because there he is, on a Tuesday morning making the rounds at VBS in shorts and possibly sandals. With, and I’ll go ahead and say it, black socks. But even in the moment, the shorts did not look that casual. They seem as if they have been sealed in a plastic bag marked “To be worn in VBS.”

If you have a cool pastor with the word “truth” tattooed on his hand in Latin a la the movie “Boondock Saints” and a goatee, this post made no sense. But if you had a pastor that wore a suit or maybe even a robe, I just rocked your world.

265. Asking someone at VBS to watch "that kid" all week.

vbs May 31, 2008 • Comments

When I was a Freshman at Samford University we decided to pull a prank on Halloween. It was simple really. We just shot a fire extinguisher under the door of another guy on our floor. Ironically enough, when you use a fire extinguisher it apparently sets off the fire alarm. Which in turn empties the entire building of about 400 freshman. Which then gets you on a social suspension for a year. I would have been pretty fantastic to have known all of these eventualities prior to firing the extinguisher.

When I called my parents that night, right before the security guards grabbed me out of my dorm room, they weren’t too disappointed but I could tell that for at least one night, I had become “that kid.”

“That kid” is the person your parents don’t want you to play with. He’s the bad egg, the bad seed, the bad influence. He’s bad.

Every VBS has a “that kid.” This is the kid that fills other kids shoes with crayola paint. He eats glue, not for the flavor, but just to spite you. She has a PHd in hair pulling and while you’re teaching the kids Noah stories, she’s teaching them new swear words. Sometimes in multiple languages.

So usually what happens is that VBS teachers get together the week before and assign someone to run point all week on that kid. Since most churches won’t allow tracking collars, it’s best to print out a mugshot of that kid and memorize it. Know their moves, study the videos from last year to understand what makes them tick. Understand them inside and out like when Morgan Freeman profiled kidnappers in that movie “Along Came a Spider.” Then, when you see them about to do something unspeakable to the flannel display of Jonah you can stop them.

264. When the pastor takes his coat off. (AKA, "It’s relax time.")

pastors May 31, 2008 • Comments

A few months ago I spoke at a men’s group. A friend of mine that liked me enough to give me some feedback said that I shared too many ideas and said it all too quickly. I forget his exact words but the gist is that the whole thing was like my ideas were a pack of drunken squirrel monkeys running swinging through the jungle listening to the Chemical Brothers on iPods. That’s not exactly what he said, but it was close.

He told me that I was not giving people enough time to laugh or chew on what I was saying. So the next time I spoke, he suggested I bring a drink and take sips during the message to force some pauses. Because I am a dork, this is how I started my next message:

“Whenever you see me take a drink from this obscenely large beverage, I’ve either said something really funny or something profoundly insightful. You should be laughing or scratching your head in concentration.”

It worked. I slowed down my message and by the end of the talk, if I said something even a little funny, guys in the audience would start yelling, “drink,” which is always a hilarious thing to hear someone yell in church.

But I’m not the only one that uses little tricks while speaking. Pastors use them too, my favorite being the “It’s relax time.” This is when pastors do little things to make you get comfortable and think to yourself, “wow, this pastor is just like me. This pastor gets me.” It’s kind of like when Mr. Rogers used to change sweaters at the start of his show.

Here are the three most obvious relax moves:

1. Taking off the coat.
This is probably the most popular move that pastors do when they want to put you at ease. It’s the equivalent of doing a lay up in basketball. It’s extremely easy and almost everyone on the planet can do it. All they have to do is take off their coat, lay it down on a chair or the really popular table churches are buying these days and they’re all set. Nice and easy.

2. Sit on the steps.
If your church has any steps on the stage please expect the pastor to take a seat. Right in the middle of a sentence, he’ll just plop down right there as if he always does that. Or if he has a chair on stage, he’ll turn it around backwards like he’s Zack Morris having a casual chat with his man AC. I’m not sure if there was a text book in seminary called “Sitting with Style” or perhaps, “The Secret Benefit of Knowing how to Sit,” but it seems like every pastor knows this move.

3. Close the Bible
I sometimes have to interview people at work that want to be writers. I once read an interview technique that said “place your official sheet of questions down on the table. The candidate will think the interview is over and will start to open up more honestly.” That’s a little slippery to me, but I don’t think there’s anything slippery about the close the Bible move although they are similar. When your pastor dramatically closes his Bible what he is trying to say is, “The serious stuff is over. It’s time to talk about life, just you and me, hanging out, talking about some life. Doing some life together. Word.”

The anti-relax move:
Removing the watch.
If your minister ever removes his watch, take your car key off your key chain, throw the less useful keys in a corner and then while everyone is distracted, crawl away in the opposite direction undetected. The remove the watch trick says to the people in the congregation, “I am about to launch into a sermon where time holds no power. The things I am going to say are going to make waiting until the next season of the television show Lost starts again feel short.”

Those are just a few ideas I have about how to get a crowd to relax. I promise that is just the tip of the iceberg.

p.s. Thanks to Matthew for this great idea.

Bulletin Bored – First Contestant

Misc May 30, 2008 • Comments

I promise I won’t post every contestant for the Bulletin Bored super awesome contest, but this one from Curtis felt perfect for a Friday. Click on it to make it bigger.

263. Competing in the "VBS classroom decoration wars."

vbs May 30, 2008 • Comments

It is officially Vacation Bible School season. (For my international readers, VBS is a week long program that teaches kids fun games and crafts centered on God.) For the next month I will be dropping in some VBS-flavored posts amongst the regular ideas. From bulk snacks that taste like cardboard to finding ways to make art projects that coat my children in a thin layer of glitter, we are about to go on a journey together. Let’s get started.

Competing in the “VBS Classroom Decoration Wars.”
When I was in the 9th grade I had to do some sort of project for an event called “history day.” It was basically like a science fair but for history. What topic did I pick? World War II? The industrial revolution? Abraham Lincoln? Nope.

I chose rap.

That’s right, while other kids were out doing research at the library, I was busy cutting pictures of Third Bass and Public Enemy and Kwame the Boy Genius and Kool Moe Dee out of rap magazines. I glued them all to a big board, while my parents looked on in horror, brought the project to school and then promptly got a D.

The problem is that when it comes to things that involve scissor precision and glitter and glue and decorations, I am horrible. I just can’t take it that serious. But, there are some people that can. I am of course speaking about the “VBS Decorating Cartel.”

The VBS Decorating Cartel, or VBSDC if you will, is a powerful group. This is the squad of guys and girls that control how VBS looks. Their weapons? Construction paper and scissors that cut in a jagged pattern. Their mission? Execute a perfect looking VBS.

Right now, you think I am joking, but if you volunteer for VBS this year, just try to decorate your own class and see if you don’t get caught up in the decorating wars. They have bat-like sonar that can detect the sound of glue being applied. Should you stray but an inch from the prescribed art in your class, they will swoop in like eagles and confiscate your craft products. Then they will wheel in what looks like a big fisherman’s tackle box and open up secret drawers that contain crayon colors and markers and pencils you didn’t even know existed.

I’ve probably said too much already. When I go to my car this afternoon to drive home there will be a glittered note on the windshield that says, “The first rule of the VBS Decorating Cartel is that you do not talk about the VBS Decorating Cartel.” And the letter will be dotted with a smile face. Scary.

p.s. Thanks to Christi for this great idea. If I ever forget to give you a shout out, please remind me and I will always mention you.

Bulletin Bored – The SCL Contest

Misc May 30, 2008 • Comments

When it comes to lunch at work, my favorite flavor is “free.” I’m like that little kid in the movie “Sixth Sense,” but instead of dead people, I see free sandwiches. I have this radar that starts going off the minute I detect that a big lunch meeting ordered too much pizza. And like a puma in the jungle, I sneak in quietly and enjoy a free lunch.

The bottom line is, I like free stuff. And I think you do too. That’s why the goal of this contest is to give one of you lots of free stuff.

Bulletin Bored

So here’s how we’ll play. Email me your best Bulletin Bored artwork starting today. Send a jpg or gif or whatever of your doodles on your church bulletin to theacuffs@yahoo.com by Sunday, June 15th. I’ll post the ten best on the site on Friday, June 20th. We’ll all vote until Sunday, June 29th. I’ll announce the winner on Wednesday, July 2. The best bulletin art will win the “Bag o’ Awesome,” which contains:

1. Autographed copy of the Stuff Christians Like book. (Technically speaking, this does not exist yet, but I signed with one of the best literary agents in the country this week so things are hopefully progressing that way.)

2. Two bags of Skittles

3. Trip Lee’s New CD (Currently one of the top selling hip hop albums on iTunes. He’s Christian but he’s currently crushing a lot of secular hip hop albums which is saying something.)

4. T-shirt from xxxchurch.com (They gave me this after they interviewed me. This is a really beautiful shirt from one of their ministries.)

5. The new book “Danny Gospel” by David Athey

6. The new book “Rapture Ready” by New Yorker, Esquire and GQ writer Daniel Radosh

7. A 175 gram Ultimate Frisbee Disc

8. Prince’s Purple Rain CD

This is an international contest and I will mail the Bag o’ Awesome to any country on the planet. The rules are simple, it just has to be a bulletin. I don’t care if you draw it in church or at home, with crayons or paint. You could make it into origami if you’d like. Here are some ways though to win bonus points:

1. Get your minister to autograph it.
2. Find some way to draw Psalty on the bulletin.
3. Give anyone who has a picture in it a “Jon Acuff style unibrow”
4. Draw eagles and doves.

That’s the contest. Feel free to enter as many times as you like. And if you are someone that has a product you think should be included in the “Bag o’ Awesome,” please let me know. Records, books, t-shirts, whatever. I don’t take advertising on this site because I am so fresh and so clean, but would love to include your stuff in the contest.

Game on.

Disclaimer.
This is not me saying “don’t listen to the pastor and instead draw pictures.” My autograph is currently worth roughly zero dollars.

262. Hoping TBS edits the Sex and the City movie too.

movies/ pop culture May 30, 2008 • Comments

Whoa, look at us being topical, conversing about a movie that is premiering this week.

I know some Christian ladies that like the show “Sex and athe City.” They watch it and laugh and secretly wonder what it would be like if the character “Mr. Big” ever became a Christian. (“He’s so dreamy and could totally take Patrick Dempsey’s character from Grey’s Anatomy in a fight.”) They are cool with the show. But if I ever asked them to watch the DVD version, they would slap me square in the mouth and say, “How dare you, how dare you indeed! Good day, sir.” (In my head, I have very fancy sounding friends.)

They don’t like the HBO version, they like the version the television station TBS plays. That one has a lot less nudity, adult situations, swearing etc. It’s like they dialed the Samantha character back a few degrees from “skanky” to “flirtatious.” And when they announced a movie version of the show was coming out I could see my friends quietly thinking, “I can’t wait to see that in three years on TV! Please, please, please TBS play an edited version.”

And I don’t blame them or judge them. I like when they show movies like Fight Club on television. I feel a little better about myself and think that God is up there in heaven saying, “What is that, 37% less swears? Good, yeah that’s good. Go ahead and watch that.” OK, He’s probably not saying that. I imagine He might be saying, “Less swears? I’m a swear monitor now? You’ve turned me into the FCC? Come on Jon. I’m bigger and wilder than that. I don’t ask you to not look at stuff like that because I’m a stiff. I ask you not to because what I’ve got for you is even cooler. And when you fill your head with other stuff it dilutes how much mental space you’ve got to enjoy my stuff, which I promise is sick.”

That’s what I think anyway.

The SCL Contest.

Misc May 29, 2008 • Comments

Tomorrow, I will be announcing the very first Stuff Christians Like contest. Check out the site tomorrow. I can’t tell you what it is, but I will say that it is nothing like the VH1 show, Flava of Love, and in order to win you might have to earn some angry frowns from people around you at church that wear seriously pleated pants and have Thomas Kinkade Bible covers. It will be delightful.

261. Parking in visitor parking for 14 years.

Church/ church culture May 29, 2008 • Comments

Would you think less of me if I had another kid just so that my wife and I don’t lose the coveted preschool parking lot privilege at North Point Community Church? Be straight with me, would you stop reading the blog? OK, OK, I hear what you are saying. What if instead of that, I just parked in visitor parking for the next few decades? Still bad, huh? Good to know.

The whole parking lot thing is kind of weird when you think about it. When you go other places in life, people try to make the arrival as pleasant as the actual experience. When you visit a W hotel for instance, the lobby is stunning. There are cool little couches, warm candles, people with interesting goatees and mood lighting that helps set the stage for an amazing experience. At churches, or at least big churches where lots of folks go, it’s the opposite. Right before you go into worship, you do something that most people hate, sit in traffic. And even if your church isn’t crowded, you still have to find a parking spot, which can be like looking for a needle in a haystack. We used to park out in the middle of grassy fields at my church because the parking lot got so out of control.

And forget about it if the guy directing traffic is new. He’s letting people cross in front of you one at a time. Doesn’t he know the clump rule? Unless there is a sizable clump, don’t stop traffic. I thought I was alone in this belief until I heard that my friends often have their wives drive at church because otherwise they get too angry. And a few weeks ago a woman pulled over, got out of her car, and berated the guy in the orange vest for not obeying the “one lane goes, then the other lane goes” rule.

At my church, GracePointeLifeTruthHouseNorthRiverElevate, things are going to be a little different:

1. Mandatory Cotton Candy
I don’t want you having a grumpy experience and then immediately walking in to hear my flow. (Flow is what you call a sermon when you haven’t been to seminary.) So, greeters will hand you a big stick of pink or blue cotton candy at the door. Comedian Daniel Tosh says it’s impossible to be unhappy on a Jet Ski. I think the same is true of cotton candy. Cotton candy kills grumpiness.

2. On the back movies
The guys and girls directing traffic in the parking lot are going to be wearing little battery operated DVD players on their back. I’m talking about the kind you attach to your headrest in your car for long trips. That way, when you’re staring daggers into their back, you’ll be able to watch a little “Back to the Future.” Is there anyone on the planet that didn’t love that movie?

3. The slide
The parking lot is going to be a mile away from the church and the church is going to be at the bottom of a long hill. When you park, you’ll pick up a potato sack and swoosh down a mile long slide to church. How ready for worship and praise would you be if you had just ridden a mile long slide? I don’t know how you’ll get back to your car when church is over. It will probably involve unicycles on some level.

4. Skittles
A group of little kids, called the “Skittle Crew,” will pick up all the treats I throw during the service. They’ll then hand them out to you while you wait to leave the parking lot. Granted, the candy will be a little sweaty from spending a few minutes in their hands, but that’s kind of what happens when you share food with a little kid. Kids are just germy like that. I recently did my best to keep my 2-year old daughter from touching anything at the pet store or as we call it, “the free zoo.” Just when I was feeling good driving home thinking that she had not picked up any weird lizard disease, I looked in the rear view mirror and saw that she had taken off her sandals and was licking the pet store funk off the bottom of them. Awesome.

I probably need to be careful about writing posts in which I talk about starting a church because what if God calls my bluff? What if He says, “let’s do it.” Can you imagine how long the sign out front would be to fit the name, GracePointeLifeTruthHouseNorthRiverElevate?

Update:
Based on some reader feedback, the name of the church is now iGreaterGracePointeXTruthZionHouseNorthRiverElevate.