This one is probably as old as the Crusades, but this move is where to win an argument you throw the God Card. You say, “Yeah, well that’s what God told me.” That’s a hard one to argue with. What can I say when you say that? “No he didn’t. I know God and he does not want you moving your family to Guam.” It’s a really dangerous move to make in the context of a marriage too because it stops the conversation and forces your spouse to either give up their point or willingly choose to be on the opposite side of God.

It’s also one of those phrases we Christians use to punctuate or amplify our sentences. For instance, my friend Leo had a guy at his church proclaim in front of the entire congregation that God had told him in a dream that he and his wife were having a baby boy. Why did he do it? So that what he was saying would seem big and holy. It’s like italicizing and bolding your words. But a few months later they had a girl. Which is why you have to be really, really, really careful with the God Card.

I have a friend that recently tried to start an official facebook club for her youth group. She was shot down and told that she should take that pagan line of thinking elsewhere. I made up that part, but her suggestion was beaten with a stick of holiness like a devil pinata. But then she started to notice that most of the kids in the youth group were contacting her through facebook. They were there, ready to hang out, ready to start a group but the church’s stance was that God is not cool with facebook.

Here’s my take on facebook: I think it, like anything else, is a good thing that is easily corrupted. I don’t think God has anything against us communicating via a social network. But I think it’s also populated to some degree by some sweaty old men hiding from their wives in their basements pretending to be cast members from Disney’s High School Reunion. So you have to be careful but is it a purely evil device of the devil? No. Am I on it and eager to be your friend? Yes. Will my daughters be using it? I guess that really depends on the convent’s internet access but from what I hear, the Sisters of the Andes Mountains don’t get great reception, which is a shame, a real shame. Such is the price of raising two nuns.

(Big thanks to Dorothy for the facebook idea)

I, and roughly the population of both Dakotas, attend North Point Community Church outside Atlanta. That means that after church gets out I don’t just enter the parking lot, I enter the terrordome. I might have a sermon fresh in my head, but I push pause on that for a few minutes so that I can do battle with the people I just worshiped with. It starts as soon as they say, “Have a good week” and dismiss us. We practically sprint to the back rooms to get our kids. Then we walk quickly to our car and start the grind. The thing that kills me is the people that volunteer for traffic duty as a “mission.” I don’t want someone directing traffic out of love and an eagerness to volunteer. I want a drill instructor with robot like efficiency guiding us out of the parking lot with an emergency vest and a belly full of Red Bull. Eventually, my swallowed curses for people in the parking lot got so bad I had to let my wife drive and sit in the back seat with my kids. I felt immature until I learned every husband in my small group did the same thing. Remember, there’s no such thing as a Christian in a church parking lot.

(Thanks go to L&P for the parking lot idea.)

We want better photography. I promise you we do, but we are poor. Well some of us are poor, some of us brought in $69 million last year. But for the most part we can’t hire photographers or designers or people that can expertly weave together a story that makes you pause at your mailbox, and think to yourself, “I do want to give my life to Jesus. Thank you direct mail card. You’ve done it again Mr. Mailbox.” When we try to take the photos ourselves they tend to come out all weird, like a collection of photos of cave people that have just now been exposed to sunlight for the first time ever. And we are more attractive than that. So instead we have to purchase cheap stock photography and hope that you’ll believe that the people at our church are just as happy as the people in the photo and that maybe we have a great wave pool just like the one in the image.

I am not good at evangelism, which is a shame since it is such a big part of Christianity. But in the last year I have been really convicted by the picture of it we see in the story of the prodigal son story. Here’s how:

In the prodigal son story, the father doesn’t invite the older brother to the party at first when the prodigal comes home. Have you ever noticed that? He doesn’t come right out and say, “Go get the older brother, it’s party time.” This is what he says:

“But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate.”

Why doesn’t he? If the party is the ultimate expression of grace and forgiveness and love, why doesn’t the God character in the story invite him there? Better yet, why doesn’t he just force him?

The answer is a little further down the page in Luke 15:

“Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’ “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him.

Did you see that? Not only wasn’t the brother invited, he didn’t even know it was going on. But when he heard music and dancing he asked a question. He asked a question because both those activities were out of context. They should not have been happening, they made not sense. And when he asked a question, the father came running out and begged him to come inside.

I like that picture of evangelism. I don’t have to force the people in my life to come to my God party. I just have to dance and live in such a way that they ask questions. And when they do, I will trust that God can answer them. All too often we do it the other way around. We tell people we have a party they would love instead of showing them. And there is a world of difference between those two ideas. I think God wants us to evangelize in a thousand different ways, showing, telling, witnessing, dancing, but this one may be my favorite. Which is why I’ve written about it a few times.

My question to you is, are you dancing enough?

I have another confession. If I am ever able to turn this site into a book, publishers this is your opportunity to say “let me publish you Jon,” I am going to be very tempted to do that Christian thing where you spin off one idea one million ways. Let’s take the book series “Every Man’s Battle” as an example, which by the way tells men to treat their wives like methadone when they need a fix of sex. That is so bogus it makes my teeth hurt but I digress. They wrote a book called “Every Man’s Battle.” It did well. Then they proceeded to write the following books:

1. Every young man’s battle.
2. Every woman’s battle.
3. Every man’s marriage.
4. Every single man’s battle.
5. Preparing your son for every man’s battle.
6. Every heart restored.
7. Every day for every man.
8. Every man, God’s man.
9. Every red haired Uncle that lives in Hudson, Massachusett’s battle.

OK, I made up that last one, but the whole thing is a little silly. You could argue that every one deserves the truth in the first book, but this is more about selling books and less about sharing truth. And I wish I was making this up, but there’s now a “Chicken Soup for the American Idol Soul.” Ace Young, which really sounds like a character from the movie Top Gun, was signing it at the store near my house today.

P.S. Don’t email me and say I’m just jealous of their success. I am. Immensely so. I really want to publish a book so it’s very possible I am wicked, super, big time jealous of them.

P.S.S. Is it smart to ever criticize a book because doesn’t that make publishers not like you? Indeed, but all I want this site to be is honest. And objectifying your wife as a fix to an addiction is not cool.

“I have a prayer request I need to share. You know Tim and Nancy? They are having some marital problems right now and need some prayer. Turns out Nancy put a filter on their computer because Tim has been staying up late on the computer. Well after a week of secretly monitoring all his online activity she found pornography on it. So she told Tim and her told her to stay out of his business. And you know their daughter isn’t going to graduate high school. She drinks so much and runs with that goth crowd. She’s a mess, but bless her heart. I think they’re going to go to counseling but money is tight because of Nancy’s shopping habit. Their credit debt is just out of control. I’m really concerned and as a close friend I just want to lift them up in prayer.”

(Thanks go out to Pastor Jeff for the suggestion of this gossip prayer topic.)

When I was in elementary school, no matter what was wrong with you, if you went to the nurse, she was going to prescribe one remedy, a glass of warm water. Upset stomach? Have a glass of warm water. Skinned your knee? Have a glass of warm water. Someone stab a rainbow brite pencil in your back? Have a glass of warm water. I get that she was probably handcuffed by state regulations but because she always said the same thing no matter what your problem was, her advice felt useless. The same thing happens in Christianity all the time. When someone tells you an issue they’re facing and your knee-jerk reaction is to tell them to pray more or read the bible more you just offered someone a glass of warm water. It’s not that prayer or the bible might not be the answer. That’s not what I am saying, but when you hide behind an automatic, “have you been reading your bible or praying” response, you come off as fake. Or at the bare minimum uninterested. You become like that boss that tells you every project is “ASAP.” Eventually, if everything is ASAP then nothing is really ASAP.

(Special thanks to Alex for reminding me this mo’ prayer thing happens)

In some ways, Christians have been “blogging” for years. Think about it, for decades we’ve been journaling our thoughts. Scribbling down every little idea that flits across our heads into a journal. I use Moleskine notebooks because they make my words feel “fancy” and important, but there are a million ways to turn yourself into a scribe. My only warning would be that you should really resist the urge to read people what you wrote in your journal. I once went on a date with a girl who pulled out a pillowcase full of journals when we went back to her apartment. She started to read from one and I had to act quickly. I threw a rock into the kitchen and when she turned to look at the noise I climbed out a window. Seriously, reading your journal to people is like telling them about a dream you had. No one really wants to hear that last night Kirk Cameron, who was made for this list, was in your dream only he had feet like a platypus and was able to speak 12 languages and only drank Vitamin Water and do you think that’s something from God?

p.s. I see the irony of telling you not to share journal thoughts on a site that is essentially journal thoughts. That is rich sir, rich indeed.

(Thanks to the dozen people that emailed me this idea. Send more to theacuffs@yahoo.com)

Sometimes, we Christians, worry that if we admit things are not going well in our lives you will assume that our God is not good. You will see our struggles as a reflection of who our Lord is. So instead of being honest, we will drop the Christian “F” word, which of course is, “Fine.” Even though you can see on our faces that we were up all night arguing with our wives we will tell you “things are fine.” How’s the new project going? Fine. How’s the family? Fine. How are things with your wife? Fine. The problem with that approach, in addition to being really dishonest, is that we’re called to comfort people in the way we’ve been comforted. We’re called to roll up our sleeves and show our scars to other people and be real about them. Jesus came to heal the sick and when we pretend we aren’t, we’re just lying. (My other site http://www.prodigaljohn.com/ is like a mistake parade based on the lessons I’ve learned.) Life doesn’t have to be “fine.” You are not failing if it isn’t “fine.” God is not less loving or powerful or great if you tell someone the truth. If anything, when you open up and are honest, you get to share how even in the midst of something sucktacular God is carrying you through those times.