Laughter is a gift from God. When we refuse to accept it, it makes Him want to take it back. Like the unicorns.

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544. Taking the college years off.

Serious Wednesdays May 20, 2009 • Comments

When I started college, I never officially said to God, “Adios, I’ll see you again when I’m in my mid 20s,” but I should have, because that’s what I did. I essentially took a Jon vacation from God during my college years.

I put Him in a tiny box, labeled that box “Open when you’re married or after you have kids,” and put the box under the bed. Then I proceeded to live for me with an embarrassing amount of gusto.

You didn’t. Hopefully, upon reading those first few sentences your thought was, “What a loser. College was the period of my life when I grew close to God and learned about what it meant to be in a relationship with Christ.” That happens a lot and I honestly think that is awesome.

I didn’t have that experience though. My college years were a mess and although I can’t change them, I can tell you and my little sister Molly, who heads to the University of North Carolina this fall, why I wish I had not taken the college years off from God.

Here are the four things I’d tell every graduate:

1. God is not trying to ruin your college experience.
Man oh man did I throw God under the fun bus. I thought that if I pursued a relationship with God during college I would miss out on all the “fun college experiences” you’re supposed to have. Like drunken spring breaks, casual relationships, coming home with the sunrise parties etc. Wow, was I wrong. I realize now that God placed the deepest, most “light me on fire with fun and hope and life desires” within me and would have loved the opportunity to awaken those during college. He wants college, and every day after that for that matter, to be lived fully alive and is by no means trying to rain on your college parade. Like Missy Elliot, God can’t stand the rain, but unlike Missy Elliot He’s the one that created the sunrise and I promise that only He can show you the brightest ones in college.

2. Your parents’ faith won’t sustain you.
Neither will your high school youth minister’s or your friend’s or your pastor’s back home. If you inherited some beliefs from people around you while you were growing up, expect to go through a period of redefining them and personalizing them. For instance, if the only reason you went to church every Sunday was because that’s just what your family did, don’t expect that habit to carry you through college. You’ve got an amazing opportunity to understand your faith and your one on one relationship with God during these years, don’t miss it.

3. College is not forever.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but by completely disregarding my faith and my God during college, I was building a really horrible foundation for my mid 20s. Even now, 11 years after graduating from Samford University, there are things that my wife experienced in college with God that she can lean on. I don’t have those same things. And the damage I did to my heart and my mind during college made the first four years of marriage unnecessarily difficult. Sometimes during college you don’t like to think about consequences or you get sucked into this idea that college is all there is. But it’s not. Be kind to the 25 year old you and don’t gather the baggage I did.

4. Don’t have sex.
In addition to all the health risks, the pregnancy risks, the Biblical pleading against premarital sex, let me throw one more reason not to have sex that all the “wisdom for graduates” books seem to be leaving out: College sex is strictly amateur hour. Seriously, the ROI (Return on Investment) is bogus. You’ll give a part of you that is special and irreplaceable and beautiful and in return get something that is fumbling and awkward and shallow and selfish. Marriage sex, that has the benefit of a covenant relationship that allows people to be real and honest and adventurous, is better than college sex. I promise. Don’t believe me? Ask your parents. And then go throw up. But it’s still true.

There is very little chance I will ever be invited to give a high school graduation commencement speech at a Christian school, especially after point 4, but if I did, I would plead with the graduates not to take the college years off from God.

How about you?

What would you tell graduates this year?

543. Throwing out disclaimers before you recommend something secular.

Church/ church culture/ pop culture/ stuff christians say May 19, 2009 • Comments

I have a small dilemma.

A few weeks ago I thought about writing a list of songs and movies that I’ve been enjoying lately. But there was a song I wanted to put on the list that wasn’t technically Christian. And by “technically Christian” I mean the f-bomb made a cameo in the second verse.

I know what you’re thinking, Casting Crowns, right? Nope, the song in question is Lily Allen’s “The Fear.” The impossible to succinctly describe Allen created a song in which she attacks and reflects upon the foolishness and wastefulness of our celebrity-infatuated society. I think it’s a really well written expose on pop culture in general but as I mentioned, it’s not technically Christian.

So when I sat down to write about the song I found myself tempted to create a “Christian Secular Culture Disclaimer.” Not familiar with the Christian Secular Culture Disclaimer (CSCD)? Allow me to elaborate. A CSCD is what a Christian says when they want to recommend something they like that’s not Christian but they don’t want you to judge them. It’s a complex sentence designed to make a case for why when you look at it in the right light, that thing you’re enjoying, be it a movie, or a CD or a television show is actually quite alright.

Here’s an example:
“The movie is really vulgar and I had to fast forward a few scenes but the heart of it is very honest and I think it communicates an important message about what happens when we chase our dreams blindly.”

That was how I described Jessie Spano’s movie “Showgirls” to my pastor. I’m kidding. My pastor was my dad, he would have never fallen for that.

But my real dilemma with the Lily Allen situation was that I didn’t know how to craft a really good CSCD. I’m a big fan of the buzz phrase, “doing things with excellence” and I didn’t know how to apply that to the creation of a CSCD. Until today.

Today, I offer you a checklist for creating the ultimate CSCD. Master this and you’ll never have to worry about other Christians or accountability partners questioning your taste in music, movies or television.

The Christian Secular Culture Disclaimer Checklist:

1. Mention the production values of the work in question.
Example: “Sure, ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’ is really lewd, but it’s one of the best written shows on television. I like the writing. As a writer, that means a lot to me.”

2. Indicate that you don’t struggle with the same things other people struggle with.
Example: “I admit, the new science fiction novel I’m reading has more robot sex then I’m comfortable with, but robot sex has never been something I’ve personally struggled with so I’m able to read the book. But it’s definitely not for everyone.”

3. Make loose references to the Old Testament.
Example: “Sure, Braveheart is violent but so was the Old Testament. And have you ever read some of the scenes in the Song of Solomon? Britney Spears has nothing on Solomon.”

4. Give elaborate instructions on how to avoid any highly inappropriate scenes.
Example: “Here, you can borrow my copy of ‘American Beauty,’ but make sure that you skip the first scene, fast forward through the 11th minute, cover your eyes as soon as you see roses come on screen and leave your house entirely at about the 27th minute. Seriously, just walk out the door, count to 100 in the front yard and then come back inside and finish the movie.”

5. Pull out one aspect of the music and pretend that’s the only one you notice.
Example: “What’s that? Lil’ Wayne swears a lot and objectifies women? Weird, I guess I hadn’t noticed. For me, it’s all about the beat. I just like a good beat and usually don’t notice anything else.”

6. Pretend the relevance of the entire faith of Christianity hinges on your ability to listen to that music.
Example: “Sure, I don’t see us playing any Flo Rida during worship anytime soon but unless we know what this world is all about, how are we supposed to communicate with it? Are you saying you want me to be irrelevant? Is that what you’re saying?”

7. Throw God under the bus.
Example: “God moves in mysterious ways doesn’t He? I mean this is the guy that used a burning bush and a donkey and handwriting on the wall to communicate His message. I wasn’t expecting to find him in Gladiator, but there He was.”

You probably don’t do this. Right now you’re probably praying for my heathen, Lily Allen listening soul. But if you have done this, and you want to do it better, feel free to use this list. Just make sure you avoid the kryptonite of the Christian Secular Culture Disclaimer, Philippians 4:8.

Never read that verse? It says “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

It’s easy to argue that Lil’ Wayne is an extremely talented wordsmith, a ridiculous model of how you can use the Internet to be ubiquitous, and one of the hardest working rappers alive right now. I joke about him all the time and have said before that I want to be the “Christian Lil’ Wayne.” But, it’s hard to argue that the music he makes is pure and noble. I mean you can try, you can throw back verses like, Matthew 15:1: “What goes into a man’s mouth does not make him ‘unclean,’ but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him ‘unclean.’” But at that point you’ve entered into a Bible verse arms race and if you google “Lil’ Wayne and the New Testament” on Biblegateway.com you’re going to get nothing. Trust me, I’ve tried. I ‘ve tried.

Have you ever used a Christian Secular Culture Disclaimer?

Have any of your friends ever busted out the CSCD?

542. Gospel Gift Bags for First Time Visitors

Church/ church culture May 18, 2009 • Comments

If you won’t accept the gift of salvation as a first time visitor to our church, the very least we can do is send you home with this lovely parting gift. A loaf of bread? A CD message from the pastor? A mug with our church logo on it, featuring a dove, open Bible, sun rising through the “O” in our name and a lamb lying longingly?

You never know what you’ll find in the Gospel Gift Bag we often give first-time visitors. But what if we put what they really needed in it?

1. “Get out of offering free” cards.
We all do that “apologize to the first-time visitors that happen to have come on the one Sunday a year when you preach on money” thing, so let’s just go all the way. Let’s print up a small stack of little Monopoly-sized cards that say, “I’m just visiting.” That way, when the offering plate comes around, the visitors will have something to throw in without feeling weird.

2. An insider’s church map.
Forget the map that shows you where the bookstore is. Visitors need to know the inside information that normally takes years to learn. Where’s the secret bathroom that’s unmarked, looks like a supply closet from the outside, and is actually the cleanest one in the building? Which Sunday school classroom has a teacher who’s friendly and won’t try to force you to volunteer the minute she sees you? Where’s the free coffee and the donuts that are fresh, not left over from last week? These are the kinds of things you need on a map.

3. A seating chart.
Increase the chances of someone coming back to your church by about 105% by giving them a detailed sanctuary seating chart. Where do the people who sing with their eyes closed sit? Who’s going to give you either an awkward or an awesome frontal hug, depending on your preference, during the meet and greet? Where do the dancers and hand raisers sit? The guy who’s locked down his favorite seat for the last 14 years and is likely to put me in a sleeper hold if I accidentally sit there–where does that guy sit?

When people say, “Jon Acuff is changing his generation and perhaps how church as we know it works,” these are the ideas they’re referring to. You’ll probably become a megachurch and need to build a bigger parking lot if you include these items in your Gospel Gift Bag. But if you do, make sure you include which parking lot attendant is most skilled at getting people home. That information is gold and exactly the kind of thing a visitor really needs to know.

Want to be in the Stuff Christians Like book?

Misc May 16, 2009 • Comments

I wrote about this earlier today on facebook and twitter. Then I realized not everyone on the planet follows me. (Not like posting this idea on the site is going to reach the Western Sahara, that country is still refusing to read Stuff Christians Like. I swear, you casually say you love Eastern Sahara one time and Western holds it against you forever.)

One of the things I am starting to work on with the book is the acknowledgments section. The truth is, if I listed everyone that I owe deep gratitude to in the book, the acknowledgments section would be 200 pages long and the actual book would be 2 paragraphs long.

So, me and Zondervan are starting to brainstorm right now about creative ways to make sure people get shout outs in the acknowledgments. I just think it would be cool to go to a bookstore and say, “Yeah, that page right there, that’s me.” And since C.S. Lewis always refused to do that kind of thing with his blog, I thought, why not? Why not me? Why not this book?

So on Friday, May 22nd I’m going to post a new creative exercise. The person that has the most responses and the person that has the best response (as voted on by readers) will get a shout out in the book. That’s a little cryptic, but now that the show Lost is off, someone has to be cryptic.

This will hopefully be the first of many ways I try to get folks in the book.

So stay tuned, stay funny and stay unibrowed. (I’m kidding about that last one but a few weeks ago when I ran into my cousin Josh, the very first thing he said to me was, “Hey, good to see that you kept the unibrow, I was worried you might have sold out and gotten rid of it.”)

Jon

Free books. Want to do something for God?

Misc May 16, 2009 • Comments

Thanks for the great comments, the contest is over. Read the comments if you ever need a moment of encouragement.

Next to Frisbee, trying to figure out what God wants us to do with our lives might be our favorite sport. I know I’ve personally written about 37 different ideas on Stuff Christians Like about feeling like God wants me to go on a mission. (God constantly just tells me, “I do want you to go on a mission but you think that requires a passport. Your mission is to worship me exactly where you are.”)

Adding his creative voice to this age old debate is Kevin DeYoung. He wrote the book “Just Do Something.” I got it a few days ago and have not had a chance to finish it yet, so if in the last chapter DeYoung says “satan is awesome,” well then, my bad.

Moody Publishers said I could give away 4 copies of Just Do Something. I thought we could talk about the headline on the back of the book.

Here it is:
“Hyper-spiritual approaches to finding God’s will don’t work. It’s time to try something new: give up.”

Best 4 comments with a story about a time you gave up win a free copy of the book.

Submit them until Thursday, May 21th.

So when have you given up?

541. Making an Idol Out of Sports

Guest Posts May 15, 2009 • Comments

(Bryan Allain is no stranger to the guest post. His last one, Christian End Zone Touchdown Celebrations, was a blast and this one is too. Here, with a post I probably needed a few months ago when the Tarheels won the College Hoops National Championship, is Bryan with another great look at life, sports and God. Enjoy.)

Of the many things that Jon and I have in common (and by “many” I mean “I have no idea what I’m talking about”), my favorite thing is definitely that we both grew up in Massachusetts. This can lead to amazing coincidences, like the fact that the city where Jon once got dumped by a girl in a coat closet is the same city where I earned my college degree. One man’s peak is another man’s nadir. (That last sentence should be sung to the tune of “It’s a small world after all”.)

Being born and raised in Massachusetts means you’ve got 3 things in your blood: platelets, midi-chlorians, and the Red Sox. Cheering on the Sox year after year is a bond that runs through my entire family, so I’ve done my best to pass this love on to my two children in hopes it becomes another connection point in our lives. I love that they’ve picked up on this already and seem to derive joy from a Red Sox win (or a Yankees loss) along with me. In fact, I’m smiling now just thinking about it.

I realize a big reason for this is that my children are always watching and taking their cues from me, so I try to model the appropriate level of fandom for them in good times and in bad. I never want them to think it’s okay to take your fandom too far (see Football Fans, European). This idea of balanced devotion applies to more than just sports, of course. Whether it’s the Red Sox, a favorite band, or even a favorite hobby, I don’t want my kids to get overly involved in anything that takes over their lives without them realizing it.

When the Bible talks about this type of obsessive adoration for something other than God, it’s called idolatry. And even though the Bible doesn’t contain a bulleted list of idolatrous behaviors for us to avoid, it’s clear God doesn’t want our love for Him to be dwarfed by our love for anything else. While no sports fan is fully exempt from this principle, the line that separates “loyal sports fan” from “over-the-top sports idolater” is going to be different from person to person. If you think you might be obsessing a little too much about the teams you follow, it could be God telling you to back off of the sports thing for a bit. It could also be your husband or wife whispering subliminal messages in your ear while you sleep, so it’s best to pray about it. And sleep with earplugs.

Without knowing you (which is a shame, really…you seem so nice), I can’t specifically tell you if your love of sports is hurting your spiritual life. I have, however, created this quiz to help you determine if it’s time for you to take a time out from the world of sports. So turn off the game, grab a pencil, and answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to the following twenty questions.

1. Have you named your kids, your dog, or your wife after players from your favorite team?

2. When you picture Satan, is he wearing the uniform of your hated rival?

3. Have you replaced your morning Bible devotions with daily readings and memorizations from the team media guide?

4. Have you ever prayed for forgiveness when an athlete on the opposing team sustained an injury because earlier that day you were praying for that exact injury to happen to him?

5. Have you ever used the sermon note section of your bulletin to write out potential starting lineups for your favorite team?

6. Have you been archiving these fake starting lineups in a locked, fireproof cabinet for the last ten years?

7. Are you the reason your pastor recently instituted a ban on prayers for sports teams during altar calls?

8. Have you ever promised God that you’d tithe off of your fantasy sports winnings in hopes he would tweak the wind to help your kicker nail a 50+ yarder?

9. Do people at church avoid you like a leper after your team loses a big game?

10. Do people at church just avoid you in general?

11. Is your favorite thing about Easter Sunday remembering the resurrection of Jesus…EXCEPT when Easter happens to coincide with the final day of The Masters?

12. Do you have trouble getting into the spirit of the praise and worship music unless you’re wearing your foam finger?

13. Have you ever brought your own communion glass to church, complete with team logo and “World’s Greatest Fan” etched onto the side?

14. Have you ever worn long-sleeved shirts to church to cover up the body paint?

15. Have you ever worn a ski mask for the same reason?

16. Does the team schedule taped to the inside of your Bible have more highlights and notes written on it than your Bible does?

17. Have you ever referred to ESPN as “religious programming”?

18. Have you ever considered painting your hated rival’s logo on the bottom of your toilet bowl to improve the overall bathroom experience?

19. Did you just read that last one and think, “Hey, that’s not a bad idea”?

20. Have you ever turned to the Book of Numbers hoping to find ERA and WHIP statistics for Moses and Aaron?

If you answered “Yes” to one or more of these questions, I suggest you put the body paint and foam finger away for a few weeks and try reading a book. Honestly, you’re dangerously close to finding yourself on the bottom of one of those crazy soccer riots.

Oh, and if you’ve got a great “This is the craziest thing I’ve ever done as a fan” story, now would be a great time to tell it.

PS…You can keep tabs on Bryan’s writing at his blog, Ramblings and Such, or by following him on Ashton Kutcher’s Latest Invention, Twitter, @bryanallain.

540. Feeling guilty about giving your bulletin back to an usher after church.

during church May 14, 2009 • Comments

Stop, please don’t look at me that way. I’m not doing this to wound you, I’m doing this to help you. This is one less bulletin you’ll have to pick up after church. Can’t you see that this hurts me more than it hurts you?

I’m letting go of a memento from this experience, a church keepsake if you will. I liked the worship service and the sermon, but it’s time for me to move on with my life. Don’t think this is out of anger, oh no, you couldn’t be more wrong. This is an act of love, green love.

Now you can give this bulletin to someone else for the next service. It’s less wasted paper and more environmentally friendly to do that. This bulletin served me well during the 9:00 service, but now I’m paying it forward to someone in the 10:30 service. Now it’s somebody else’s turn to enjoy its lighthearted information.

Promise me you’ll find a good home for it. Don’t hand it to a “roller,” one of those sweaty handed fidgeters that is constantly crinkling and rolling the bulletin during the entire service. This paper pal deserves better than that. Maybe there’s a farm upstate with lots of land and a pond and other bulletins it could play with. That’s where my parents sent my dog Rusty when he bit the paperboy.

Please don’t immediately flip it over to check the sermon note section to see if I wrote anything down. I didn’t. And not just because “the sermon didn’t take,” but because you didn’t give me enough room. I brought a notebook for that. Let’s be honest friend, the postage size stamp area you left for sermon notes is a joke. How am I supposed to capture the majesty of the almighty in a 2 inch by 2 inch space crammed between the Singles event and the Vacation Bible School announcement? And the paper you printed the bulletin on is ink repellant anyway. Instead of “sermon notes” you should title that section “Ink smudges that will be on the back of your hand in 3 seconds because they sure won’t stay on this paper” section.

This is it. I’m not walking away mad, I’m just walking away.

I won’t look back.

This ends here.

539. Doubting Doubt.

Serious Wednesdays May 13, 2009 • Comments

Real Christians don’t doubt. Everyone knows that. If you’ve got doubt in your heart, even a smidge, well then, I’m sorry, you’re still a “baby Christian.” I’ll pray for you, I’ll pray that someday you’ll be an “on fire Christian” and not be so wracked with doubt, because us real Christians never feel doubt.

We wake up in the morning and instantly remember all the other times God has come through. When we are faced with challenges, we don’t fear. We don’t worry. We certainly don’t doubt. You know what I do when I run into a difficult time? I giggle. I pick up that challenge in my hands and tickle it’s belly like an adorable little kitten. Because I live a doubt free life. Like every Christian should.

Because otherwise, if you do find doubt in your heart, you better hide that under the bed. Or between your mattresses, God never thinks to look there. But if He does, if He does find doubt in your heart, I hope, for your sake, you’ll be thrown in the regular lake of fire instead of the lake of fire where you have to spend all of eternity noodlin’ for alligator gar. (Noodlin’ is the “sport” where you walk in lakes/rivers and jam your hands down holes in the ground with the hope that a giant catfish will bite you, allowing you to pull it out and capture it. In Africa they have a version of this that involves lions but instead of “noodlin’” it’s called “dyin’”. An alligator gar is some crazy type of fish I just saw on a show called “River Monsters” in which a biologist spends an entire hour trying to catch, you guessed it, a “river monster.” Whole show should take 7 minutes. I think I just broke the legal length limits of parenthesis.)

God hates doubt like I hate wet socks. I think that’s in Habakkuk. He loves nothing more than to administer the elbow of death on anyone that has doubt in their heart. Or at least that’s what I thought until I read Mark 9:14-26. That chunk of verses messed me up. It shattered my pristine belief that when you become a Christian, I’m talking a “real Christian” you are magically and completely removed of all doubt.

Have you ever read those verses? In them, a father brings his demon possessed son to Jesus. Jesus asks, “How long has he been like this?”

The father replies:
“From childhood. It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”

Jesus replies:
‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for him who believes.”

And that’s true. If this guy really believes, then he doesn’t need to be punking Jesus with this “if you can do anything” nonsense. He’s Jesus. That dude is lucky Jesus didn’t reply like female rapper YoYo, “I’m Jesus. Don’t try to play me out.”

But he doesn’t say that. He tells the guy “Everything is possible for him who believes.”

And you know how that unnamed man responds? He goes home and waits until his heart is completely empty of doubt and then four years later returns to get his son healed.

Not exactly. The Bible says:
“Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

At this point, if you doubt that Jesus understands doubt, if you doubt that God tolerates doubt, the cry “help me overcome my unbelief” should earn this man an old school temple clearing style whipping. He’s just told the son of God to his face that he has doubt and unbelief. But how does Jesus respond?

He heals the boy.

The Bible says:
“The boy looked so much like a corpse that many said, “He’s dead.” But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him to his feet, and he stood up.”

How come Jesus didn’t yell at that father? How come he didn’t rebuke the man for having doubt? How come he didn’t stop everything right there and give the crowd a lesson on the evils of unbelief and how if you really love God you’ll never have an ounce of it?

Because that can’t be true.

We doubt. We struggle. We wrestle with unbelief. And you know how Jesus responds to that?

He heals.

He loves.

He lifts up people that look dead to everyone but him.

I would love to say I don’t doubt, but that would be a lie.

The truth is, I do.

And when I find myself there, I don’t try to hide it or fake it or kill myself over it. I pray a prayer an unnamed man in the Bible first said to Christ.

Help me overcome my unbelief!

69. Saving seats at church.

during church/ remix May 12, 2009 • Comments

It’s been a while since I remixed an older post. Usually I only do that if I feel like I completely blew the original post and wasted a good idea with sloppy writing. But recently someone anonymously posted a comment on “#69 Saving seats at church” that made me think I should remix it. Here is snippet of what they said in response to what I wrote on that post:

“What is so terribly wrong with someone saving a seat for their spouse? Sheesh, so sorry that I want to enjoy the message with my husband who is busy ushering the visitors into their seats and helping them get settled. Maybe church should only be for single people and the rest of us can sit out in our car and listen to the radio broadcast. Yeah, that is much more welcoming.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Since the comment was anonymous I couldn’t directly reply to the commenter’s blog or email. And I started to think, “Maybe the original post was unclear. Maybe I need to be more explicit with the rules of church seat saving? Maybe no one’s done that yet and this person is not reacting out of hurt, but confusion and that the kind, generous, dare I say correct way to ‘love on’ them and countless other people is to create a definitive guide to seat saving?”

So that’s what I did and that’s what this is.

7 Things you need to know about saving seats at church:

1. It’s OK to save a seat for your spouse or significant other.
Despite what that reader above said, I was not advocating that you can’t save a seat for your husband. Where would that leave him? I’ll tell you where, sitting on your lap. You’d be all tangled up in a mesh of limbs and hymnals and awkwardness as the people next to you tried to pretend that wasn’t happening. As noted in one of the most surprisingly controversial posts, Massages During Church, I’m not for that.

2. Don’t save a seat for someone at the end of the aisle.
Why would you put that kind of pressure on a visitor? That’s like giving a little kid the emergency exit on a plane. If it’s your first time to church you’re not going to know that I am sitting in the middle of the aisle like a tightly wound spring waiting to be released so that I can grab my kid and race out of the church parking lot. What’s inevitably going to happen is that at the end of the service they will sit in their seat, effectively blocking the whole aisle, telling you that “Hey, maybe I should give this God thing a shot.” But I won’t know that, so I’ll ruin that tender moment by running across the aisle, using everyone’s head as a stepping stone like some sort of scene from a Jackie Chan movie.

3. Once someone has come to your church for 7 weeks, you can’t save them a seat.
Service starts at the same time every week. If your friend has been at least seven times, then they know this. They shouldn’t act surprised on Sunday morning when they wake up and think, “Oh snap, they’re starting church at 9:30 today. When did that happen? Oh that’s right, 1987. I should call my friend and ask him to save me a seat.” If you have an ill grandmother, serve on some ministry, have kids, are late because you were nursing a baby deer that had been hit on the side of the road back to health, etc. you get a free pass on this one.

4. Don’t save a seat with your shoe.
If you’re going to save 47 seats, then grab 47 bulletins. There’s no call for putting a shoe or a mint or taking every key off your key chain and laying them down individually on each seat you want to save.

5. Don’t expect me to help you save seats.
I hate to say no to people. I’ve gotten better at it as people keep asking me to advertise some cuckoo things on Stuff Christians Like (You read the site, saw that there were zero ads and felt like your online gambling websites would be a good fit for SCL? Really?) but in general I hate saying no to people. It’s a problem. I’m working on it. And saving seats for someone often becomes a constant parade of “no.” I had to do it last year at Catalyst as I waited for my little brother and when someone would ask me if they could sit in the seat I was saving I felt like they were saying, “Do you mind if I sit here and worship God? Do you mind if I relieve my weary bones and collapse in this spot of resting and renewal. Ohhh the Gwinnett Arena is so big, won’t you let me sit here please, kind sir?” So if you ask me to help you to save seats, expect me to pass on that opportunity.

6. Release the seats when it appears your friend isn’t coming.
If the announcements are done, the worship music is over, the offering is collected and the sermon is about to start, let that seat go. It’s over, they didn’t come. Set that seat back into the wild. If it really loves you it will come back.

7. I don’t have a seventh idea but I know better than to end a list on a Christian website with 6.

Do you save seats?

Do you break these rules?

Do you have your own?

Winners of the book "Seven"

Misc May 12, 2009 • Comments

Here are the five winners of the book “Seven” by Jeff Cook.

If your name is on this list, shoot me an email at theacuffs@yahoo.com with “Seven Winner” in the subject line and your mailing address so I can hook you up.

Thanks for sharing all the great books you’ve read.

Saskia said…
I was going to answer with We Were the Mulvaneys by Joyce Carol Oates, because it showed me that sometimes, there just isn’t redemption possible in families. Guess I’m not the only one whose family dysfunction is permanent.

Then I read the comments and realized you meant a book about Christian living. I don’t know if my selection counts, but I’d go with Rapture Ready! by Daniel Radosh. His book is about (American) Christian subcultures, and besides opening my eyes (I had no idea there were so many Christian versions of so many secular things!) it also made me more mindful of the fact that just because it’s Christian, that doesn’t make it better, but sometimes Christian subcultures are good. (does this make any sense at all?) Anyway, Radosh is a journalist, and the book has a lot to do with Christian culture and not so much with God, but I thought it funny and thought-provoking anyway.

And the real reason I’m commenting on it is that I learned of your blog through Radosh’s blog (he linked to #228 Bible Wars told via G.I. Joe) and I’ve become an avid reader ever since.

Allie said…
The last great book I read was Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen. I’m aware from the outset that this could injure me in any competition of this kind, depending on the judge’s opinion of Austen books, but I thought about it and honestly couldn’t say I’ve recently read anything better. I discovered Pride and Prejudice when I was thirteen and it was like a whole world opening up, where authors were clever and where you could read a story with a pretty standard plot that rose above the standardness, and prodded and poked you. I hadn’t read it for a very long time until I picked it up recently, and when I read it this time I was suddenly feeling the joy I felt when I first read it, aged thirteen. New aspects of the book were opened up that I’d never noticed or considered before and yet the same joy (in the characters, in the little ironic voice of the narrator hidden behind the story, in the pleasure hidden in the voice of the narrator at her work) remained.

Justin Steinhart said…
Hitler’s Cross by Erwin Lutzer

First off, I never thought that I would ever read a book with Hitler and Cross right next to each other. Secondly, when I read it in public and on an airplane, people looked at me like a Skinhead (I think this alone should get me into the top 5). Lastly, because my politics and religion have never been challenged together in one book like this one did…

Mary said…
omg, my two favorite things coming together. stuff christians like and pioneer woman! my universes have collided.

anyway. the last great book i read was proverbs.

i was trying to think of a last great book i read that wasn’t in the bible, but there are so many great books i’ve read to choose from and honestly, the last thing that blew my mind was proverbs.

i always used to page through it, glancing over the one-liners of practicality for living, never really taking any of it to heart or seeing its importance.

it wasn’t until this winter, after making some horribly foolish decisions and hitting rock bottom in a lot of ways, that proverbs found a new, deep meaning within my soul.

i don’t even know how i ended up there. but one day, i found myself in proverbs, reading through beginning to end, underlining nearly the entire book.

the painted portrait of wisdom is just so beautiful and attractive. the importance of discipline, purity, obedience to the lord – these qualities are so counter-cultural in our day, and yet so at the heart of our lord.

i am very much a fool. but this is something that i’ve realized and now, my pursuit for the wisdom of god has taken me above and beyond places i ever thought i’d be able to reach. proverbs slapped me in the face and picked me up. who would’ve thought

Sara said…
it’s a toss-up between the return of the prodigal son by henri nouwen and the practice of the presence of God by brother lawrence.

i consider the former a great book maybe only because i’m in a season of my life where i see myself both as the prodigal and the elder son and nouwen articulates it all so eloquently yet concisely. then he shared how he was challenged to look at the father of the two sons and grow into a father-figure role.

the latter is also great, in my opinion, because it’s a compact yet packs a punch – like dynamite. granted, i didn’t jibe (jive? it’s one of those words i always hear people use but never see written) with all his points but i do appreciate that he takes something that seems complicated and lofty and explains it simply, he demystifies what it is to practice God’s presence without removing the mystery entirely – kinda like decaffeinating coffee, i guess.

i don’t even know if this free book biznatch is still a valid offer, but free book or no, this was a nice little writing exercise. so, uh, thanks?