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pop culture

629. Raising Dorks

Kids/ pop culture September 30, 2009 • Comments

I don’t have any hard data on this, but I think that of all the major world religions, Christianity has the highest dork per capita ratio. Did I say that right? Is there a different metric we’re using to measure number of dorks that I should have referenced instead? Are we still rolling with the per capita ratio? It’s so hard to find good research on this topic.

But think about it, no one ever says, “You know who is cheesy? Muslims.” Rarely will you hear someone proclaim, “The Hindus are all uptight.” And when Buddhists are stereotyped they’re labeled as being “relaxed and peaceful.” Christianity though has a lockdown on dork status and you know what?

I love it.

I used to hate it. From the time I was in the seventh grade right up until I became 33 I railed against it. I did everything I could to prove to the world that I was not some cheesy Christian. I distanced myself from Christian culture as fast as I possibly could because it all felt so overwhelmingly dorky. But then something weird happened, something unexpected … my five year old tried to get into pop culture.

I’ve got nothing against the particular pop star my daughter suddenly became fascinated with but the transition from “I love the Wiggles” to “the Wiggles are for babies” was ridiculously fast. (In her defense, that Captain Feathersword who the Wiggles run with, scares me to death.) Up until that point I really hoped my daughter would grow up to be a cool kid. I wanted her to be part of the popular crowd at school and be considered hip. But when she started sweating pop stars and other little girls in our area started getting into teenage television shows, I had to pause.

Those things weren’t created for a 5 year old. The entertainment she wanted to watch was not written for a girl two years out of diapers. It’s got boyfriends and girlfriends and topics that are way out of her understanding as a little kid. And she might love it. She might sing all the songs and have a blast doing it and fit right in with all her friends. But if I encourage her to do that, if I push her toward that, I fast forward her through childhood. I speed her up from a 5 year to a 10 year old. And although I make about 47 dad mistakes a day, I have learned one secret about childhood:

You can fast forward childhood, but you can’t rewind it.

I wish I could but I can’t. Childhood only goes one direction and I want her to stay a little kid for as long as she can. There will be plenty of time later for her to think boys are cute and interesting. (Right now I’m pushing for “smelly and cootie laden.”)

Until then though, she’s not going to be hip. I’m going to raise a dork. Which is different from naïve, don’t misunderstand, she’s going to be like Matthew 10:16, shrewd as a snake and innocent as a dove. And if you’re making different decisions with your kids, please don’t hear this as an attack. I’m new to being a dad, am by no means a pro, don’t have all the answers and am really only writing about the two kids with my last name. Who will be dorks.

I hope I don’t help create one of these sheltered Christian girls that just goes insane when they get to college, but I promise you that I’m going to do everything I can to keep my kids young, out of the loop as far as the world goes and maybe even dorky. And when my oldest daughter yells at me when she’s 13 because she can’t go to a party with a bunch of boys, who I know are going to try to kiss her, I’ll show her this post. And she’s going to yell some more, but at least I’ll kind of look like I predicted the future, which is fun.

589. Judging people that watch television.

my bad/ pop culture July 28, 2009 • Comments

I don’t have any scientific proof of this but I think my kids punkitude goes up the longer they watch television. It’s difficult to measure but it seems like on the days when for whatever reason they watch more than their usual 30 minutes of television, they start getting a little fresh. And I don’t mean “phresh” which usually involves breakdancing and is completing acceptable at the Acuff house. I mean short tempered, a little grumpy, and 12% more belligerent than normal.

On days like that, my wife and I sometimes talk about getting rid of cable or maybe even television all together. But if we do, although there will be benefits, I’m also afraid that one of the consequences will be that I start to judge other people that watch television. In addition to becoming one of those people who brags about not owning a television, I might actively and aggressively judge you for watching what I’ll probably start calling “the boob tube.”

If that happens, I want you to be aware of the hurricane of condescension you can probably expect from me. In fact, we should go ahead and use the hurricane rating system to measure my levels of judgment. (You probably know it as the Saffir-Simpson hurricane scale because who doesn’t call it that?) Let’s break down the oncoming television-flavored judgment I will probably release on the world if I ever give up my TV.

The Stuff Christians Like Hurricane of Judgment Rating System

Category 1:
You don’t own a television but you still watch shows online.
Speed of my judgment:
74-95 MPH. This is the slowest my judgment is going to move in part because when you told me you didn’t own a television I paused my hurricane like judgment down to a crawl. Until I found out you watch Hulu and Lost on ABC.com. Then I sped it back up.
Damage:
There won’t be any serious structural damage to our friendship in part because I secretly believe that you’re almost in the “no television” camp like me. I feel like you’ve already made the hardest leap, getting rid of your television and perhaps I can give you that final shove.

Category 2:
You own a television.
Speed of my judgment:
96-110 MPH. We’re picking up some speed here. I saw your television when I came over. It’s right there in your television cabinet in your living room. You have a piece of furniture dedicated to it, a throne if you will. I can feel the winds of judgment whooshing a little faster as we speak.
Damage:
No permanent destruction will be done to our relationship but I’m not going to lie, we’re probably going to lose the equivalent of some roofing shingles during our conversations. You’ll ask me if I saw what happened last night on 24 and then I will get a really horrible look on my face and say “No, I haven’t watched that show since the first season, I was probably reading a book last night. Hard cover. Literature.” Just be glad I didn’t say I was reading the Bible. I haven’t brought God’s desire to leg drop you for watching television yet into the conversation. But that’s coming in Category 3.

Category 3:
You own a television and have cable.
Speed of my judgment:
111-130 MPH. The range of this speed depends largely if I see a satellite dish on your roof when we come over for dinner. If I do, get ready for 130 MPH. If you’ve got your secret doorway to 800 channels of nonsense more discreetly hidden, expect 111 MPH.
Damage:
At this point, mobile friendships are going to get annihilated. Casual friendships that were built on our ability to discuss shows that I am no longer watching or sporting events that everyone in the country but me saw are going to fall apart. I’m now the guy that during the Olympics didn’t know who Michael Phelps was because they weren’t broadcasting his races in the books I was reading.

Category 4:
You own a television and have cable and a TiVo.
Speed of my judgment:
131-155 MPH. Fast, the judgment is getting fast at this point, especially if I hear that telltale TiVo “bong” that chirps an alert when your TiVo is too full to record other shows. You’ve filled a TiVo, good sir. For shame, for shame.
Damage:
Although I admire your desire to break free of television scheduling with a digital video recorder, to essentially tell your television, “No longer will I be enslaved to the whimsy of live programming,” I can’t support your desire to buy an additional device to get better at watching television. You’ve moved into “television accessory” territory and I will now expect you to subscribe to TV Guide and perhaps eat your meals in front of the soul sucking glow of that piece of modern machinery.

Category 5:
You own a television and have cable and a TiVo …in your bedroom.
Speed of my judgment:
Greater than 155 MPH. We’re off the chart at this point. The judgment is so fast it can’t be measured.
Damage:
Great, now, in addition to judging you for owning a television, with cable, in your bedroom, I have to start giving you marriage advice. Like the person that once told me that if I got rid of the television in my bedroom I would instantly experience a dramatic change in my marriage, I have to start equating poor marital communication, intimacy and overall lack of awesomeness with that flat screen you’re practically spooning in your bedroom. This is embarrassing for both of us.

Those categories might feel a little extreme, but television makes people do crazy things. A friend of mine once got so mad at the amount of television that was being watched in his house that he threw the TV outside. Off a porch. In the winter. Into a pile of snow.

I don’t know if it will ever come to that for me and my family, but if it does, please refer to the chart above for your own safety. I’m probably going to get pretty judgy on you.

Question: What’s your opinion about television?

573. Anxiously awaiting AutoTune to infect Christian music.

Church/ church culture/ Music/ pop culture July 6, 2009 • Comments

If you listen closely, if you place your ear to the ground and hold your breath, you can hear it softly in the distance. It’s a slow rumble, an almost imperceptible sound growing stronger. There can be no resistance. There is nothing that I can stand in its way. I fear this post comes too late.

AutoTune is on its way to Christian music.

If you’ve never heard the word “AutoTune” allow me a quick explanation. According to the webscapes, AutoTune or AutoTuner is “the process of correcting the intonation of an audio signal without affecting other aspects of its sound.” Or in other words, it’s an audio program that makes your voice sound all roboty and hides any pitch problems you might be having. Done in moderation, it’s a great technique that adds a lot of fun to an album. Done in excess, it feels like RoboCop produced your music.

T-pain made it famous as of late. Britney Spears has used it a lot. Kanye West’s latest album, 808s & Heartbreak, uses AutoTune on every song. Even a new Wendy’s fast food commercial employs it. But recently, Jay-Z released a song called “DOA” or “Death of AutoTune.” And since popular mainstream culture is done with it, the next stop for AutoTune is probably going to be Christian music. There is a growing fear that it will soon infect every one from Amy Grant to Yolanda Adams. (If there was a Christian musician with a name that started with the letter “Z” that A-Z statement I just attempted to make would have been slightly more awesome.)

How’s it going to happen? How will the virus of AutoTune spread to Christian music?

Here are the steps you need to be ready for:

1. Someone will spoof it.
Like most musical monsters, (see the Macarena), it’s all fun and games at first. “Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if we used AutoTune during a concert? Let’s bust that out some night and have fun with the crowd.” The first spotting of AutoTune will come in the form of a joke played during a live show. My money is on the David Crowder Band. They covered the Sonseed song, “Jesus is my friend” live and although I don’t personally know them, they seem like they have a great sense of humor. This is how it will begin.

2. TobyMac employs it in a song.
I don’t have all of TobyMac’s music so it’s possible this has already happened. I do sincerely dig the song, “Made to love” and like TobyMac. But at some point in the next three months, as the only Christian musician currently saying things like “I feel the haters spittin’ vapors on my dreams,” TobyMac will almost be obligated to use AutoTune. I’m not saying the Dove Awards people are going to force him to use it, but they might. They’re a powerful lot.

3. Having seen TobyMac try it, other pop Christian bands will give it a whirl.
Once the Mac Attack has used it to and been successful, other pop Christian groups will jump on board. Teen girl bands and boy bands of emo descent will find ways to incorporate it. You won’t be able to turn on Christian radio without hearing someone stretch out the word “Jesssssuussss” with the robotic rhythm of AutoTune.

4. Your worship leader will use it in church.
Out of nowhere, in the middle of a praise song you’ve song for years, a bit of AutoTune will make a cameo during church. “Did that just happen?” you’ll say? Yes, yes it did my friend.

5. Someone will do a “Father Abraham” VBS remix with AutoTune, officially putting the final nail in it’s coffin.
Although I would pay money to see this, this will mark the end of the AutoTune cycle. Having traveled from rap to spoof to TobyMac to general acceptance to church service, AutoTune will now arrive in the VBS final performance night. And 6 year olds will do a dance routine to an AutoTuned rendition of Father Abraham. It’s over.

Has this already happened? I recently heard a song about prayer that seemed like it had a little bit of AutoTune in it. Am I too late? I’m horrible at keeping on top of trends, so maybe my words are more pathetic than prophetic.

Is there another trend in popular music you think is headed our way?

What song would you love to see remixed with AutoTune?

388. The 11 signs of a wicked awesome mission trip interpretative dance song.

missions/ Music/ pop culture June 26, 2009 • Comments

(You don’t read this blog to stay on top of current events. Other than the Jon & Kate post and maybe the Michael Phelps sermon illustration post, I don’t focus on having the blog reflect the most up to date information in pop culture. And I had a guest post ready today from Mrs. Hucklebuck, which I think you’ll really love in a week or two. But it seemed foolish to ignore yesterday and I thought the best thing to do today might be to revisit a post I did about the song Michael Jackson gifted church youth groups across the country with, “Man in the Mirror.” It’s a great song and at the bare minimum, the Grammy performance at the bottom of this is worth a watch.)

The 11 signs of a wicked awesome mission trip interpretative dance song.

When I was in high school in the early 90s, I went on a mission trip to Dominica. Our youth group wanted to sing a popular song that we could also choreograph some simple dance moves to. At the time, there was a church law that you had to use one of the following three songs:

1. Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror”
2. Gloria Estefan’s “Coming out of the Dark”
3. Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart”

So we learned Man in the Mirror and Coming out of the Dark, strung together a handful of dance moves and then proceeded to perform for the general populace of one of the Lesser Antilles. It all made sense at the time.

But times have changed. I have to believe we’ve collectively retired those three songs. Despite the 80’s love due Miss Tyler deserves, surely, we are not still singing, “Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I’m only falling apart, there’s nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart.” And though I remain a firm believer that the rhythm is gonna get ya, maybe even tonight, Gloria Estefan is no longer rocking youth groups.

So what are the new songs we should be learning awkward dance steps to and performing on our mission trips? What pop culture nugget can we shine up with a mime intro and wow folks with? And most importantly, how do we make sure that the songs we do pick, will be as excellent as those three above?

We look for the 11 signs of a wicked awesome mission trip interpretative dance song:

1. The song features snapping, the easiest “dance move” ever.

2. The song has a “songversation” in the middle, where two people go back and forth, like the weird dude that just groans, “Turnaround bright eyes” in “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”

3. The song is inspired by a personal crisis like Gloria Estefan’s car crash.

4. The song includes a whistling solo that even the least talented member of your group can handle.

5. The song contains a section that’s perfect for a gospel choir to magically appear from behind a curtain.

6. The song has lyrics that practically beg for you to mime things like Jackson’s “As I, turn up the collar on my favorite winter coat, this wind is blowing my mind.”

7. The song is cheesy enough that years later when you hear it with your mission trip friends you will all immediately break into the dance routine.

8. The songwriter clearly wrote the song about his girlfriend but with some creative editing you can pretend he’s singing to God.

9. The song has a solo section for that one girl in your youth group that can just belt it out.

10. When you return from the mission trip and put together a black and white slideshow of your photos you can play the song in the background and make everyone cry.

11. The song allows you to stretch it out to 14 minutes if you need some filler while other parts of the service get ready.

How did you score? 10 for 11? 2 out of 11? And what songs are we performing these days on mission trips? I told you my three from back in the day and even included a video clip of Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror.” In fact, I wanted you to know what you’re up against so below is his 1988 Grammy Awards performance. I don’t think we’ll ever have a better song to do an interpretative dance to, but maybe I’m wrong.

So what’s your favorite mission trip interpretative dance song?

560. Writing twitter messages that sound 14% holier than you usually are.

Church/ church culture/ online/ pop culture/ witnessing June 15, 2009 • Comments

Sometimes, when I sit down to tweet or twitter or twittle or whatever the verb is we’re currently using to describe the action of putting a 140 character message on twitter, I am tempted to write something 14% holier than I normally would.

It’s not that I want to lie, I just find myself thinking, “WWJT” and then I end up writing something more holy spirity religitastic than I’d usually say to a friend at a cookout or on the phone to my brother.

(If you don’t twitter, it’s an online service that essentially gives you a chance to “micro-blog” a short answer to the question, “what are you doing?” to your friends.)

But it’s not easy. It’s not easy to fit the entire gospel message into the 140 character messages you’re allowed to give on twitter. And when I recently read that celebrities had hired “ghost tweeters,” people that are paid to write and post short messages that make you feel like Kanye West or Britney Spears is regularly updating twitter with humor and insight, I had an idea.

Maybe instead of fighting my desire to write “super spiritual tweets” I need to embrace it. Maybe, all this time that I’ve been praying for a full time ministry I’ve missed what was right there in front of me. Maybe, it’s like Richard Marx said, twitter wants me to know, “Wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you.”*

Maybe, it’s time to write the ultimate guide to crafting holy sounding twitter updates. Here are the 7 approaches I think you can take and actual examples that are less than 140 characters:

1. The Retweet
This move is kind of like looking into a mirror that is next to a mirror and staring off into infinity. When you see someone you follow write something holy, just put a RT in front of it to let everyone else know that you too had a very similar holy thought. You want to take it up a notch? Add an “Amen” in front of the RT. It’s like they just made a church hot fudge sundae and you come along and put the cherry on top. You’ll get 80% of the credit with 5% of the work.

Example:
Amen! RT @JESUSROX – The only time I’m not reading the Bible is in the shower but I’m inventing a waterproof OT so that will change soon.

2. The Riddler
Your followers, the people on twitter that sign up to read your updates, are expecting you to report back things like how you stepped in gum on the sidewalk or what type of mustard the waiter put on your sandwich. Throw them for a loop with an esoteric brain twister of spirituality that will have them twitaplexed all afternoon.

Example:
If God is all powerful, can He create an object so heavy that even He can’t lift it up? And if He did, what color would that object be?

3. Quiet Time
Want to look holy in your twitter updates? Constantly reference things you learned during your daily quiet time. Yes, that 30 minute window might represent 1/48th of your day, but that doesn’t mean you can’t twitter about it as if it were 19 hours long.

Example:
During my quiet time, God revealed some things to me. It’s hard to capture all of them in one Tweet, but here is the first of 32 updates.

4. The Church Sign
Pretend your twitter updates are church billboards. Just tweet things like, “CH__CH, what’s missing? UR!” The best part is that because church signs tend to be short, you can cram in a number of statements into each tweet.

Example:
God accepts knee-mail. No God, no peace. Know God, know peace. Go to church for a free faith lift.

5. Quote
Clearly, if you want to get your spirituality on in a short burst of words, you should bust out a quote from a well known theologian. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, CS Lewis is the way to go. His name only costs you 8 characters too. It’s like 50 years ago he knew that twitter would one day come along and he would need a short name to get some quote love. Seriously, you can’t quote “St. Augustine of Hippo” on twitter. You just don’t have the room.

Example:
Christianity,if false, is of no importance,and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.CS Lewis

6. The Other Day
Start every tweet with some sort of bold statement that you act casual about because you’re always doing things like this. “The other day while helping a group of drifters forage for sweet berries in the woods, I noticed …” Oh what? My drifter ministry? That’s just something I do for fun in my spare time.

Example:
The other day while rescuing orphaned baby seals and handing out free Bibles to fisherman, I stubbed my toe on the sidewalk. Kind of hurt.

7. Across the Uni-Verse
The easiest way to kick the doors of twitter open and proclaim, “Here I am, Gospel like a hurricane” is to simply quote a Bible verse and then link to a site like biblegateway.com. It’s kind of a lazy way to do things, which is why I personally don’t quote verses, I quote whole books.

Example:
Have you guys read Isaiah lately? You should check that book out. http://www.biblegateway.com/

Chances are, I’ll never get hired by any famous Christians to ghost tweet for them. But if I do, Carmen I am talking to you at this exact second, please know that I will be employing all 7 of those techniques, even if my tweet last week about the commute didn’t exactly reflect any degree of holiness:

“Sometimes, Atlanta drivers react to rain the same way my 3 year old reacts to the vacuum: raw terror, apprehension and 5MPH escape plans.”

Did I miss any ways to look 14% holier when you twitter?

Do you twitter?

Do you ever find yourself tempted to holy it up?

*And that makes three Richard Marx references in 2009. Goal accomplished by June. Dang, I am productive!

Free Books – Unlikely Disciple by Kevin Roose

Church/ church culture/ pop culture June 6, 2009 • Comments

Thanks for the great comments, the contest is over. The winners will be announced soon.

I hope I live long enough to learn how to write as well as 21-year old Kevin Roose.

He’s the author of the recent book, “The Unlikely Disciple, A Sinner’s Semester at America’s Holiest University.”

In the book, Kevin, a Brown University student, spends a semester at Liberty University in an attempt to understand evangelical Christianity.

To be honest with you, my first thought when a friend recommended the book to me was, “Fantastic. A non-Christian wrote another ‘I went undercover in Christianity mockumentary.’ How original.”

But I was wrong (and pretty judgmental too). Right from the get go, Roose establishes his intent. “I did want to see what Christian college was like, with as little prejudgment as possible. I knew that wouldn’t be easy—you can’t neutralize a lifetime of bias overnight—but I wanted to try my best. So my second decision was: no cheap shots. If I went to Liberty, it would be to learn with an open mind, not to mock Liberty students or the evangelical world in toto.”

This book is beautifully written. It is an interesting reflection of a segment of Christianity. And even though I disagreed with some of Kevin’s arguments (which I would hope would happen if Kevin, a non Christian, and me, a Christian, are both being honest about what we believe) I think you’ll find it to be a really fascinating book. Best of all, I’ve got 5 copies to give away. (Hardcover even!)

So here’s the contest. Post a comment with your favorite stereotype about Christianity. Best 5 win. Enter until Tuesday, June 9th and then I’ll announce the winners.

What’s your favorite stereotype about Christians and Christianity?

543. Throwing out disclaimers before you recommend something secular.

Church/ church culture/ pop culture/ stuff christians say May 19, 2009 • Comments

I have a small dilemma.

A few weeks ago I thought about writing a list of songs and movies that I’ve been enjoying lately. But there was a song I wanted to put on the list that wasn’t technically Christian. And by “technically Christian” I mean the f-bomb made a cameo in the second verse.

I know what you’re thinking, Casting Crowns, right? Nope, the song in question is Lily Allen’s “The Fear.” The impossible to succinctly describe Allen created a song in which she attacks and reflects upon the foolishness and wastefulness of our celebrity-infatuated society. I think it’s a really well written expose on pop culture in general but as I mentioned, it’s not technically Christian.

So when I sat down to write about the song I found myself tempted to create a “Christian Secular Culture Disclaimer.” Not familiar with the Christian Secular Culture Disclaimer (CSCD)? Allow me to elaborate. A CSCD is what a Christian says when they want to recommend something they like that’s not Christian but they don’t want you to judge them. It’s a complex sentence designed to make a case for why when you look at it in the right light, that thing you’re enjoying, be it a movie, or a CD or a television show is actually quite alright.

Here’s an example:
“The movie is really vulgar and I had to fast forward a few scenes but the heart of it is very honest and I think it communicates an important message about what happens when we chase our dreams blindly.”

That was how I described Jessie Spano’s movie “Showgirls” to my pastor. I’m kidding. My pastor was my dad, he would have never fallen for that.

But my real dilemma with the Lily Allen situation was that I didn’t know how to craft a really good CSCD. I’m a big fan of the buzz phrase, “doing things with excellence” and I didn’t know how to apply that to the creation of a CSCD. Until today.

Today, I offer you a checklist for creating the ultimate CSCD. Master this and you’ll never have to worry about other Christians or accountability partners questioning your taste in music, movies or television.

The Christian Secular Culture Disclaimer Checklist:

1. Mention the production values of the work in question.
Example: “Sure, ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’ is really lewd, but it’s one of the best written shows on television. I like the writing. As a writer, that means a lot to me.”

2. Indicate that you don’t struggle with the same things other people struggle with.
Example: “I admit, the new science fiction novel I’m reading has more robot sex then I’m comfortable with, but robot sex has never been something I’ve personally struggled with so I’m able to read the book. But it’s definitely not for everyone.”

3. Make loose references to the Old Testament.
Example: “Sure, Braveheart is violent but so was the Old Testament. And have you ever read some of the scenes in the Song of Solomon? Britney Spears has nothing on Solomon.”

4. Give elaborate instructions on how to avoid any highly inappropriate scenes.
Example: “Here, you can borrow my copy of ‘American Beauty,’ but make sure that you skip the first scene, fast forward through the 11th minute, cover your eyes as soon as you see roses come on screen and leave your house entirely at about the 27th minute. Seriously, just walk out the door, count to 100 in the front yard and then come back inside and finish the movie.”

5. Pull out one aspect of the music and pretend that’s the only one you notice.
Example: “What’s that? Lil’ Wayne swears a lot and objectifies women? Weird, I guess I hadn’t noticed. For me, it’s all about the beat. I just like a good beat and usually don’t notice anything else.”

6. Pretend the relevance of the entire faith of Christianity hinges on your ability to listen to that music.
Example: “Sure, I don’t see us playing any Flo Rida during worship anytime soon but unless we know what this world is all about, how are we supposed to communicate with it? Are you saying you want me to be irrelevant? Is that what you’re saying?”

7. Throw God under the bus.
Example: “God moves in mysterious ways doesn’t He? I mean this is the guy that used a burning bush and a donkey and handwriting on the wall to communicate His message. I wasn’t expecting to find him in Gladiator, but there He was.”

You probably don’t do this. Right now you’re probably praying for my heathen, Lily Allen listening soul. But if you have done this, and you want to do it better, feel free to use this list. Just make sure you avoid the kryptonite of the Christian Secular Culture Disclaimer, Philippians 4:8.

Never read that verse? It says “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

It’s easy to argue that Lil’ Wayne is an extremely talented wordsmith, a ridiculous model of how you can use the Internet to be ubiquitous, and one of the hardest working rappers alive right now. I joke about him all the time and have said before that I want to be the “Christian Lil’ Wayne.” But, it’s hard to argue that the music he makes is pure and noble. I mean you can try, you can throw back verses like, Matthew 15:1: “What goes into a man’s mouth does not make him ‘unclean,’ but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him ‘unclean.’” But at that point you’ve entered into a Bible verse arms race and if you google “Lil’ Wayne and the New Testament” on Biblegateway.com you’re going to get nothing. Trust me, I’ve tried. I ‘ve tried.

Have you ever used a Christian Secular Culture Disclaimer?

Have any of your friends ever busted out the CSCD?

514. Christian End Zone Touchdown Celebrations.

Guest Posts/ pop culture April 3, 2009 • Comments

(Sport fans in the US are about to enter the Bermuda Triangle of sports. The NFL season is over. College Football won’t start for a few months. College Basketball is about to wrap up. Baseball is just in Spring Training. Granted the NBA playoff season is 22 weeks long, but only the last week matters. This is the sports dead zone. Fortunately, for all you fans out there, Bryan Allain is back with his hilarious approach to sports and faith. It’s great and it’s a perfect example of why guest posts are so fun. Here’s Bryan:)

Last year at Prayers For Blowouts I ran a video featuring the Head of NFL Officiating, Mike Periera. In the clip Periera explained that any time a football player scores a touchdown and then goes down to the ground to celebrate, he WILL be assessed a 15-yard Unsportsmanlike Conduct penalty. The ONLY exception, according to Pereira, was if a player went down to the ground to pray. This would not be penalized, he said, because “…I do not want to be struck by lightning.”

(Before we get to Christian end zone celebrations, I’ve got to ask something: why is it that whenever someone does something blasphemous or wrong, people joke around about God striking them with lightning? I’ve blogged about this before, but when was that precedent ever set? As far as I know, God never used lighting to kill someone in the Bible. A Great Flood? Check. Giant hole in the ground? Sure. But lightning? Zeus maybe, but not Jehovah. On top of that, why are we so afraid of lightning strikes anyway? They only kill about 80 people a year in the U.S. whereas horse-related injuries kill over 200 people a year. Maybe next time someone does something wrong, instead of saying “watch out for the lightning bolt!” we should say, “Ride ‘em cowboy!”)

Anyway, back to the end zone celebrations. Going down to one knee to pray is good, but you’ve got to admit it’s a little played out at this point. This is 2009 people, it’s time to step it up! As always, I am here to help. What follows is a guide to help you craft and execute a memorable Christian end-zone celebration, separated into 5 Tiers of awesomeness from Rookie to Hall of Fame.

ROOKIE TIER
Making the Crucifix:
For some, too Catholic. For others, too coordinated. It’s like playing connect the dots on your upper torso. How does it go again? Mouth, sternum, left nip, right nip? Bonus points if you finish it off by kissing a cross necklace.

Pointing to the Sky:
This is a great way to give praise to God for your achievement, but it can get confusing. Are you pointing to God or are you dedicating the touchdown to a recently deceased loved one? Or maybe you’re a fanatical bird watcher and a peregrine falcon just flew over the stadium with an albino field mouse in its talons. Now that would be something worth looking at.

Going to the Ground to Pray:
I appreciate the gesture, but what type of prayers are actually being offered up after a score? I have trouble concentrating during prayer if there are birds chirping too loud outside my window and you’re telling me someone surrounded by 50,000 cheering fans and a bunch of teammates slapping his helmet is going to get past “Dear God…”? Color me skeptical.

NOTE: Many athletes will combine all 3 of these by praying on one knee, then doing the crucifix and pointing to the sky. While it’s a nice combo move for sure, it still doesn’t get you out of the Rookie Tier.

VETERAN TIER
Reenact a Famous Bible Story:
There are many Bible stories that can be effectively acted out in 15 seconds or less. Adam biting the apple, David dancing wildly before the Lord, or Saul being blinded on the road to Damascus would all make for great mini-theater in the end zone. Just stay away from anything in The Song of Solomon if you’d like to avoid a suspension.

Take Communion in the End Zone:
You’ll get penalized for using props in your celebration, but remembering the life and death of Jesus’ is worth a 15-yard penalty, right? Bonus points if you can drink the grape juice through your helmet without getting any on your uniform.

Slay Your Teammates in the Spirit:
You’ll need a few teammates to join in on the fun, but won’t it be worth it when the power of God drops them to the ground? Bonus points if you have cheerleaders stand behind the players to catch them and lay them gently on the ground. Extra bonus points if you get referees to lay modesty cloths over the slain players’ midsections.

ALL-STAR TIER
Make a Dove Descend on You:
Having a dove descend onto your helmet after scoring a touchdown? Awesome. Dealing with angry reporters in your post-game press conference who think you’re trying to claim you are the son of God? Not so much. Proceed with caution on this one.

Force the TV Announcers to Speak in Tongues:
How great would it be if, following your touchdown on Monday Night Football, Tony Kornheiser tried to crack a joke and it came out sounding like gibberish to the millions of people watching? Answer: pretty great. Just don’t try this one when John Madden is in the booth. Most listeners won’t be able to tell the difference between his normal diction and an angelic tongue.

MVP TIER
Perform Healing on Injured Teammate:
Why not take a page out of Benny Hinn’s playbook and pray for an injured teammate after finding the end zone? Bonus points if the teammate is in street clothes and immediately runs to the locker room to get his uniform on after God has healed him through your prayer. You’ve not only helped your team by scoring, but you’ve supplemented the depth chart as well. MVP, indeed.

Turn the Football into a Swine:
Turn the pigskin back into a pig and you’re not only showing off the power of God, you’re also making a confusing statement against macro-evolution. Bonus points if the pig reenacts Mark 5 by running out of the stadium and hurling itself into the nearest body of water.

HALL OF FAME TIER
Being taken away like Enoch:
In the ultimate form of an end zone celebration, let God whisk you away to heaven as he did with Enoch long ago. The downside: you’ll never score another touchdown. The upside: Hey, you went out on top! And you’re in heaven now, which means no more two-a-days at training camp.
—
Whether you’re a die hard sports fan or sports hater, I’m curious: what do you think about end zone celebrations? Do you like it when athletes act like they’ve been there before, or do you enjoy seeing the wacky stuff players can come up with to celebrate a score?
And if you’ve got a creative way for a Christian to celebrate scoring a touchdown that I missed, we’d love to hear it…

(as always, you can find more of Bryan’s writing at his personal blog, Ramblings and Such, and at his sports/faith blog, Prayers For Blowouts.)

Favorite Post #2. Great Sex! Flat Abs! And Jesus!

Church/ church culture/ pop culture/ Serious Wednesdays March 28, 2009 • Comments

If Men’s Health magazine was true, you would never need to buy more than one issue. If the articles that promised flat abs and less stress and better sex really worked as promised, you’d never need to have a subscription because every issue is the exact same thing. This was the thought I had while standing at the magazine rack at Wal-Mart watching my daughters read My Little Pony books. (Long live Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie by the way. Toola-Roola is a punk. I don’t even know what Toola-Roola is into, at least Rainbow Dash is all about rainbows.)

As I stood there though, I noticed something else kind of weird. The promises that the front cover of men’s magazines make were eerily similar to the promises that the back cover of Christian books make. So I thought it might be fun to play a little guessing game and see if you can figure out which is which:

1. “Build your perfect life and strip away stress for good”
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

2. “The Secret to Effortless Success”
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

3. “Total Health Starts Here”
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

4. “967 Secrets of Happiness”
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

5. “Supercharge Your Brain”
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

6. “Keep Yourself Happy”
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

7. “Gain control over your mind”
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

8. “Uncover the proven process that will lead to a life of success and total fulfillment”
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

9. “The Anatomy of a Successful Life”
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

10. “Stress Proof Your Brain “
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

11. “Living Life without Limits”
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

12. “10 keys to fulfilling your destiny”
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

13. “10 Essential Success Secrets”
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

14. “Hold on to your hair – 5 new cures”
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

OK, that last one was easy, but it reminded me of that Richard Marx song, “Hold on to the Night” and I promised myself I’d make at least three Richard Marx references on this site in 2009, sooooo one down. (Click here for the answers to the quiz.)

I didn’t use the titles of the books because I’m not trying to denigrate those authors. I haven’t read what’s inside the books and ultimately, I’m not sure what this little exercise means. But standing there that day in the midst of My Little Pony land, seeing how similar the two types of headlines were, and knowing that publishers of both items used those sentences because they knew those would motivate people to buy the products, I had to question my own motivations.

Am I that different from the world?

I’ve got God, the very power of Christ inside of me, shouldn’t my desires be different and not so interchangeable?

Do I ever go to God with a laundry list of better demands? Give me a better marriage, a better ministry, a better life, a better job, a better everything?

Do I chase the blessings of God sometimes more than the presence?

Do I ever treat God like a really good self help guru that is there to meet my needs?

Do I look weird scribbling this all down in a small moleskine notebook by the magazine rack in Wal-Mart?

Yes, yes I do. But I don’t want God to simply be a new vehicle for the things I want. I want God to be what I want.

I want Him to be enough.

p.s. This one was fairly recent but as far as favorite posts go, this one had to be on my list.

Favorite Post #3. Leg dropping elves (Or the real meaning of Christmas.)

Christmas/ pop culture March 27, 2009 • Comments

Last year, someone gave my family an “Elf on the Shelf.” If you’re not familiar with it, it’s essentially a small elf in a box and a book. The book tells you that you’re supposed to hide the elf each night during the holiday season and let your kids find it. It’s magic or a messenger of Santa or something. It was wildly popular last year and is probably continuing to sell well this Christmas too.

But as I started to think about the whole “real meaning of Christmas” debate and “is Santa bad” discussion that you almost are required by law to have if you’re a Christian blogger, I started to think about that elf. He was just sitting there with a smug look on his face perched on the fireplace mantle looming over our nativity scene below on the hearth. Instead of the traditional Santa vs. Jesus discussion, I began to imagine what would happen if that elf ever ran into the characters from the nativity scene. What would that conversation look like? I present you:

Elf on the shelf meets the characters from the nativity scene.

Wise Man 1: “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who are you?

Elf on the Shelf: “I’m the Elf on the Shelf.”

Wise Man 1: “I can see that. It’s right there on your box. I can read, kind of goes along with the territory. I’m a ‘wise man.’ But what are you doing here?”

Elf on the Shelf: “I came to spread holiday cheer and tell people about the magic of Santa Claus.”

Wise Man 1: “That sentence is so wrong on so many levels I don’t even know where to begin. First of all, please help me understand what ‘holiday cheer’ is. Is that some sort of glitter? Like a pixy dust or giggle spray or other elf razzle dazzle?

Wise Man 2: “Slow down Myrrh man. No need to get sarcastic.”

Wise Man 1: “You stay out of this Gold Guy and don’t call me Myrrh man. It’s ‘M&M.’ No one knows what Myrrh even is. I sound like some sort of under the sea creature. I knew I should have brought the gold. Everyone loves you. My gift is judged as slightly better than paprika or cinnamon. Awesome.”

Wise Man 3: “Myrrh man, Christmas is not about the gifts we give, it’s first and foremost about the gift we received. Jesus Christ.”

Wise Man 1: “I know I know, Frankincense Fellow, it’s just that you don’t understand the pressure I’m under with the Myrrh reputation. At least your gift sounds like Frankenstein and is easy to remember. When people say my gift, they never know where to finish the word, they always just kind of trail off and say, Mryhhhhhhhh. But this isn’t about me, this is about this punk elf.”

Elf on the Shelf: “I’m Elf on the Shelf.”

Wise Man 1: “Here you go again. There’s no shelf in the nativity scene and therefore no elf. I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is I’m wearing my traveling robes and won’t be able to tune you up myself. The bad news is the shepherds are always up for a beat down.”

Shepherd 1: “What’s going on?”

Wise Man 1: “This Peter Pan looking doll over here is trying to distract us from the birth of Christ. He’s trying to steal some of sweet baby Jesus’ thunder.”

Shepherd 2: “Oh, that’s not happening on my watch. It’s on like Donkey Kong.”

Elf on the Shelf: “On like Donkey Kong? Isn’t that violent? Can’t we all just giggle and watch my Will Ferrell movie, “Elf?”

Shepherd 3: “Agreed, tossing you out of this nativity scene like a bouncer at a bar is violent but people overestimate how clean and well behaved we shepherds were back in the day. We were like longshoreman. Think of us less as caretakers of sheep and more as Pastoral Hooligans. We live under the stars and wrestle bears for fun. David was a shepherd and he cut Goliath’s head off.”

Elf on the Shelf: “Gulp.”

Shepherd 1: “Don’t worry we’re not going to do that to you. We are going to bounce you out of town like a super ball though. Drummer boy, hit me up with my theme song.”

Elf on the Shelf: “Wait, the drummer boy wasn’t at the birth of Christ either. Why isn’t he getting the bum rush?”

Shepherd 1: “Because Jesus is funky and loves a good beat. Plus, every superhero needs a theme song.”

Wise Man 1: “You’re a superhero now? How’d that happen? I must have missed that in the Bible.”

Shepherd 1: “Easy Myrrh-lin, the magician of questionable gifts. According to Matthew you guys didn’t even show up at the manger. And at least you have a name, I’m just lumped in as a “shepherd.” I’ve got no identity. I had to create my own, with a theme song.

Wise Man 1: “Good grief!”

Elf on the Shelf: “That’s from Charlie Brown’s Christmas!”

Shepherd 1: “You’re still here? Let’s do this thing.”

(Commence elf beat down.)

I’m not sure if that’s exactly how the great elf/nativity scene clash of 2008 happened, but it’s how it happened in my head.