(Although I personally might hold the East Coast record for popcorn collisions, I’ve never been able to accurately describe what happens when two people have a prayer pile up. So when Lisa Colon DeLay, a very talented writer, agreed to guest post on that very topic I did cartwheels. I’m a big fan of her writing and I think you will be too. Here is her first and hopefully not last guest post on Stuff Christians Like. Enjoy.)

The Popcorn Collision
In true SCL style, I’ll mention an awkward event I’ve witnessed just too many times to go unsaid. Perhaps suggestions from this readership would be helpful to un-riddle this conundrum. I’ll refer to it as “The Popcorn Collision.”

The Popcorn Collision phenomenon happens within prayer circles, and can make folks pretty stinking nervous. Eyes will pop wide open and dart around the room, mid-prayer time–which most Christians realize is sinful. Prayer circle participants start wondering why the Holy Spirit has left the building, or why someone has not yielded properly to God. Something has gone quite wrong, and how it will end completely depends on what prayers decide to do next. The situation itself occurs when a gathered group is engaged in “Popcorn Prayer.” That is, short sentence prayers offered up in no particular order. The situation is obviously risky in itself, but in efforts to be Spirit-led, some Christians enjoy this spontaneous participation with God and each other, despite the dangers.

Suddenly, as if God is not a God of order, two people begin to talk to God at the same time. It’s as if chaos has entered through a window, and pounced. Shocked, both communicators stop simultaneously–more awkward still! They look at each other nervously. Someone has to be in the wrong, and everyone knows it. Perhaps one of them is not following the Holy Spirit’s leading. Now, which one is too eager, or jumping the gun, maybe trying to cover the dead air of prayer time up a bit? Maybe one, or–God forbid–even both of them are just trying to move prayer time along, without being prayerful. Suddenly, people sense the awkwardness in an acute fashion. A giggle or two erupts. Smirks crop up around the once virtuous circle. Maybe some shake their heads in disapproval.

Whatever happens, it becomes painfully obvious, in seconds that may feel like hours, that a Popcorn Collision has happened, and there is no taking it back. But now, what is to be done? Will prayer time be a flop? Is recovery possible? Sometimes, overcompensating creates the most horrible and ungodly of circumstances. It’s the thing the prayers may be dreading in the back of their spiritual minds. Yes, a second Popcorn Collision. It is the prayer equivalent to cornered bumper cars. Both prayers keep speaking at the same time, all the while convincing everyone in the room they aren’t listening to God’s still small voice at all! Some giggle, but some realize it’s all a cover up job.

The Aftermath
Sometimes, there is what I call a quick-thinking, wise Deferring Popper. He or she may realize it’s better to yield, and in some way say, “You go ahead, buddy,” and let the other person re-pop. Other times, a person I call a Super Kernel figures boldness will advance his or her pop-ability. He or she stops during the collision, but only at first. Then, they push forward to pop a prayer in a raised tone of voice, even confidence, which helps to assert kernel popping viability. The other person backs down, de-pops. Some realize this isn’t a movement of God, but only an extrovert running amuck. Others feel relieved that some order has been restored, no matter how it happened.

Woe to the groups who must witness the Double Super Kernel Showdown. I won’t discuss it here, but perhaps you can imagine the Prayer Popout Battle that could be in this case. The converse is, of course, Double Defer, and it is an extra awkward situation. It occurs far more frequently, probably because this action may be thought to contain more fruit of the Spirit. In Double Defer case, both prayers de-pop at the same time, and then re-pop again together. This may happen several times. Blushing ensues, and nervous laughter.

Failure to pop seems imminent, which puts out an air of unease, or even dread in the room, especially if a collision happens more than twice. Usually, almost by default, someone half-pops out a choppy prayer of some kind to avert having a dud incident. No one, I repeat, no one, wants a full out prayer dud in a prayer circle. It’s like a negating un-prayer, even an “anti-prayer,” for the group, and on some level everyone knows it. People would just an soon sneeze into their Bible, then want to live with a full out prayer dud imploding in their midst, without first trying to make a save.

Remedies for Popcorn Collisions
There are several schools of thought on the best way to avoid this kind of prayer mishap. Some say, establish ground rules, such as five to twenty seconds between prayers, plus a prayer opener and a prayer closer. Some say, some type of signal before prayers should be done. A deep breath before offering a prayer will curb interlopers and collisions, at the onset, but God help your group if you have asthmatics! Legend has it that one boy with bronchitis caused four Popcorn Collisions in just fifteen minutes, the poor lad. They called him “The Breather” for over eight months.

Others think that God can use us, even in our flawed humanness, and that these collisions aren’t really mistakes at all. We aren’t supposed to be perfect, just faithful. These people could be seen as indolent and unspiritual, and most end up listening to and enjoying secular music. But that’s not all that’s wrong with me. Have you witnessed Popcorn Collisions? Did I leave something out? What are your solution suggestions, or prayer ideas? Weigh in. Thanks, Jon! God Bless.

For more great stuff from Lisa Colón DeLay, check out her blog lifeasprayer.wordpress.com

(If you ever read the comments on Stuff Christians Like, which I continue to contend are often funnier/more insightful than the original post, you’re familiar with Jarrod Haggard. For months he’s been a daily, fantastic contributor to the conversation we’re all having and a few weeks ago he even agreed to sit in for a guest post. It’s a straight satire about how we often abuse and misuse and confuse our prayer requests. Enjoy.)

The Sales Pitch Prayer Request or
How To Get Whatever You Ask For in Prayer – by Jarrod Haggard

A while ago I had to drive several hours every day for my job. Most days I listened to a Christian radio station…let’s call it B-loved. The deejay was a great guy, let’s call him Mark. At 3:30 every afternoon Mark would take the day’s prayer requests and mash them together into an epic fifteen minute prayerathon. I enjoyed this opportunity to pray, but I really loved the lesson I learned from Mark about the art of getting prayers answered.

One day, in the middle of the prayerathon, Mark brought forth a moment of awesome so grand in scale that it changed my attitude towards prayer forever. It went a little something like this…

“…and Lord, I just want to take a second and lift up my own prayer request to you. I ask that you please help with my car situation. Father, I am still trying to sell my blue ’96 Honda Accord…with only 56,000 miles, new tires, no dents, and all the service records. God, I’m only asking $7,500 or best offer for it, and I would love it if you, in your wisdom, would lead someone to contact me here at the station if they’re interested…”

Yes, I can put it in quotes because you don’t forget a prayer like that…ever. Those simple words, echoed into the ears of thousands, altered my prayer life completely. I realized that I had missed one of the greatest opportunities ever presented to people that pray in groups.

So, in true SCL fashion, here are the three steps that you can take to finally get whatever you ask for in prayer.

1. Find as many groups as possible.
Sunday night prayer meeting. Wednesday night bible study. Tuesday morning prayer breakfast. The more people the better. Home groups are especially helpful, and most of them are divided by region. So if no one knows exactly where you live, you could go to a home group every night of the week! What you want is an audience. If you’re good-looking, get on T.V. If you have a pleasant voice, get on the radio. If you’re witty and irreverent, post a lot of comments on a popular blog.

2. Endear yourself to the people around you.
Be just.like.them. Do they have kids? Borrow your nieces and nephews, or use the stock photos that came with your wallet. Are they college age? Wear flip-flops and a Castro hat. Are they retired? Learn to love buffets at 4 in the afternoon. Remember, Bob has no sense of personal space and will probably require a couple hugs per night. Jack, on the other hand, prefers handshakes. Learn their spouse’s names. Get familiar with their hobbies.

3. Know your audience.
College kids probably won’t buy the house you’re having trouble selling, but if you need to get your mom’s yard cleaned (like she’s been asking you to do for a month now), they’re your target. Need dental work? Try the home group in the upscale part of town. Tired of frozen dinners alone? Try the Older and Single (Again) group. Looking for a good place to invest? The Businessman’s Prayer Breakfast is where it’s at. Whatever your needs are, go to the people most likely to meet those needs.

Those are the three steps I recommend but what’s really of utmost importance is that you remember not to pray something like this; “Lord, please give me the strength to overcome my burdens, and to have faith that you will meet my needs in your time. Amen.”

Instead, when you pray, pray like this; “Dear God, I really need the water pump on my car fixed by a trustworthy mechanic who does really great work and may or may not have a shop downtown on 4th st. Lord, I can’t afford to pay for this, so I ask that you would lead someone into my life who might find it in their heart to help me for free, or at a greatly reduced rate because I can probably tell a lot of people about how great the work was and get way more business for him in the future. Father, I need this work done by Tom…morrow, if at all possible. Amen.”

This prayer method works like a charm. Sometimes though, people might just reach over and turn off the radio during the daily prayerathon, from that day forward.

(For more great stuff from Jarrod, check out his blog jarrodhaggard.blogspot.com)