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church culture

714. The Obligatory Lost Sermon

Church/ church culture February 22, 2010 • Comments

There are two things you have to preach on each Spring, Easter and the television show Lost. If you skip the second one, I understand, not every church puts such a high premium on television and the what not. If you skip the first one, I hope you don’t get stuck on a fold out couch bed in hell. You know the one, with that bar in the middle of your back that just angrily jabs at you all night like a three year old with a whiffle ball bat? I promise you, hell is lousy with those things.

But maybe you were unaware of the need to experience an obligatory Lost sermon. Maybe you didn’t even know that was an option. And with the show in its final season, you’re lost as it were with how to properly judge the quality of a Lost sermon. It’s almost as if you need a Lost sermon scorecard.

Keep Reading —›

692. Saying “you’re called to that.”

Church/ church culture January 21, 2010 • Comments

A friend of the family adopted a baby a few years ago. He and his wife are Caucasian and the baby is African American, so occasionally they get asked interesting questions. I believe his favorite one to answer is, “What country did you adopt from?” He loves responding to this one because his answer is, “The country of Mississippi.”

There are a tremendous amount of orphans in the US and this is simply his slightly amusing away of drawing attention to the kids across the street that need to be adopted too. I was talking about adoption a few weeks ago with a different friend at dinner. I mentioned that someone I knew had adopted a special needs child from Europe. They purposely decided to adopt an older special needs child and give them a new home and a new family.

As soon as I started that story, my friend blurted out something Christians the world over say when faced with tremendous love like this, “You’re called to that.” Then he breathed a tremendous sigh of relief and went back to eating.

He was comforted by that sentence in part because of what it really means. When you hear about another Christian going off on some crazy, difficult mission for God, you get a small ping of guilt. We’re a very guilty people some times and in this particular case that guilt stems from thinking that you should also be adopting special needs kids. What are you doing right now in your life that is holy or big or adventurous? Nothing? Better throw out that get out of jail free card, “You’re called to that.”

I think that sentence is funny because it’s not complete. When we say that, what we’re really saying is, “You’re called to that and I was not. I would totally do that. I would live in Guam with clothes woven of bamboo shoot and nurse a baby llama named “Punbar” back to health with love and applesauce if that’s what God wanted me to do, but so far, gosh darn it, he just hasn’t given me that call. I’m ready though. I am ready. I’ll get you a mission trip machete if I do end up going. You’re called to that.”

Am I wrong? Have you ever heard someone say something like this? Have you ever said it?

627. Footprints and shot glasses

Church/ church culture/ stuff christians say September 28, 2009 • Comments

I’m not going to lie to you, sometimes it is hard to come up with ideas for Stuff Christians Like. Although I learned a fire drill kind of approach to idea generation when I was writing branding for Home Depot, sometimes there is absolutely nothing creative coming out of my pen.

I mow the yard and my head keeps coming up empty. I drive to work and can’t concentrate on my commute with the flood of horribly unfunny ideas in my head. I scribble down nonsense on scraps of paper that my wife’s friends later find and mock me about. (“What did your husband mean by that post it note that just said, ‘I wish I knew more unhappy rich people?’)

Sometimes new ideas just refuse to show up, but other times, they fall right in my lap.

Or hand as it were.

I took this picture at a souvenir store in Destin, Florida. The resolution isn’t great, but hopefully you can clearly see what is written on the side of this shot glass.


That’s right, it’s Footprints in the Sand.

Arguably our favorite piece of literature outside of the Bible, the Footprints poem is a short ditty about a man talking with God. After seeing only one set of footprints in the sand during the difficult times in his life, the man asks, “Where were you God?” To which God replies, “Those were the times I was carrying you.”

I’ve got nothing against the Footprints poster, mug, commemorative belt or sport hair visor. I like sand, I like indentions in sand and I love God. Me and the footprints poem could probably share a small Kia rental car on a long trip through California wine country without getting into any major arguments. But footprints on a shot glass?

That is ridiculous.

The front of the shot glass says, “Footprints in the Sand. Destin, Florida.” The back? Oh the back is where the nonsense really gets the party started Pink style.

Here’s what it says:
“When times are tough, when you’re feeling blue,
if you’re not sure where you’re headed, remember the Lord, he will carry you.”

I wish I was the copywriter assigned to that project. I would have taken a slightly different angle on that poem.

“When times are tough, and your drink was blue,
If you pass out, someone will upload a photo on facebook of you.”

Or

“When times are tough, and you lost your right shoe
Remember your left eyebrow? Cause you lost that too.”

Or
“When times are tough, and you’re feeling blue,
you should go look in the mirror because you’re looking kind of purple too, I don’t know if all those shots was a good idea and then you ordered the #17 at the Magic Sun Chinese restaurant after eating “the fourth meal” at Taco Bell. I don’t feel like any of those things were wise decisions on your part. I’m just saying. You my friend, are the color of rotten pomegranates.”

OK, OK, OK, that last one got away from me a little bit, but I think I’m still reeling from the absurdity of the footprints poem on a shot glass.

How about you? How would you have written that poem if you were given the task for the side of a shot glass?

Let’s have a “Footprints Shot Glass Poetry Contest.” (I’m pretty sure Guideposts magazine already did this exact same thing, but I’m not terribly original.)

What would you put on the side of that glass?

618. Forgetting the 5 commandments of church league sports.

Church/ church culture September 15, 2009 • Comments

Although I can play Frisbee all day and that’s God favorite sport, I’ve recently realized that I suck at certain other athletic events. Although I love the idea of basketball, I’ve somehow developed this awkward running lay up that looks like how the nerd would do it in an after school movie about the jock who taught the nerd to play basketball while learning science and passing the test so he could play in the big game against their cross town rivals, who were of course named the Sharks.

When I throw a baseball it kind of looks like I’m doing an amazingly realistic impersonation of how someone from another planet who has never seen a baseball would throw it. Whenever I toss the football around, after throwing it about three times I always end up trying to talk the other guys I’m with into a kicking contest instead since most everyone is horrible at punting and at least I can hide my whackness that way.

All in all, it turns out that I’m not the fantastic athlete I like to think I am. So instead of one day hitting a home run and winning the church softball league, I feel my gift might instead lie in words. That perhaps though I will never dunk for Jesus, I can at least come up with a set of ideas that we all agree on, a five commandments of church sports leagues if you will. And that’s exactly what I did.

The Five Commandments of Church League Sports

1. Thou Shalt Not Make Every Dropped Fly Ball a “Teachable Moment.”
If I strikeout and we lose the game and I return dejected to the dugout, please don’t feel compelled to turn that into a “teachable moment.” For one thing, I’m not sure the analogy you’re making between me and King David is accurate. I mean he hit Goliath. Technically speaking he connected with his target. For another thing, if you use every strikeout or dropped ball in the outfield as a chance to teach me, you’re going to need about 19 million sports/God illustrations because I’m horrible at softball. That’s going to exhaust both of us.

2. Thou Shalt Not Work Out Elder Issues on the Field.
Yeah, I agree, there’s a bit of a power play going on between the elders and the pastoral search committee right now. Does that mean you should slide into second base cleats first in order to drive home that you’re concerned the current candidate for senior pastor has a surprisingly liberal take on Baptism? Doubtful.

3. Thou Shalt Not Invite People to Church Based strictly on their athletic prowess. No ringers please. I am convinced the Fonti brothers, an Italian family that looked like Lou Ferrigno, only bigger, were invited to our church when I was a kid because they looked like they could swing a mean bat. And they did, people had to start parking in different parking lots because they hit so many homeruns. But be careful if you ever meet someone and say, “How tall are you? About 6′ 5″? How’s your vertical leap? You ever think about coming to church? I think you’d really like Jesus. And dunking, how do you feel about dunking? You enjoy doing that?”

4. Thou Shalt Invent Your Own Christian Swear Words
I personally am trying to bring the phrase, “Oh, Fiddlesticks” back in but so far no one is biting. But if you do find yourself having a moment where you just got hit in the crotch by a ball or someone missed a key free throw during church league basketball, please bust out a Christian swear word. “Oh my stars!” “Shazham,” or even “Melon Farmer” will do.

5. Thou Shalt Not Start the Pastor just Because He’s the Pastor
This is not a spiritual leadership moment. This is the bottom of the 9th inning. This is the championship game against another church in our community. We need someone who can close out this game and if the pastor has no curveball, always forgets which hand to put his glove on and secretly sees throwing nice big hittable balls as a way to “love his neighbor,” keep him in the dugout. Let him pray while someone good pitches.

Those are my five commandments for church league sports, but I really feel like this list needs ten.

Which one would you add?

Did you ever play church league sports?

What commandment is missing?

613. Church Hugs

Church/ church culture/ love September 8, 2009 • Comments

Last weekend, I was one of the breakout speakers at the North Point Community Church Single’s Retreat. (When they first invited me, I thought they said “breakdance speakers” and got my breakin’ 2 electric bugaloo cardboard square out.) I did two different topics, one of which was called “Date Less Jerks.” (Yes, “fewer” would have been technically correct but that has no flow.) In that message I encouraged folks to avoid dating and becoming a jerk. (Unfortunately a lot of that one is drawn from my personal experience of being a jerk.)

In preparation for the event I spoke to a couple of my friends, Misty and Tim, who work in the Singles Department at North Point. In addition to giving me some speech pointers, they challenged my knowledge of church hugs that are currently popular amongst singles.

“Hey,” I thought, “I know all about church hugs. I wrote the side hugs post forever ago. I made a t-shirt celebrating my love of the hug. I’ve got a PhD in hugging.” Wow was I wrong.

Maybe I’ve been out of the game for too long. Maybe I was never that good at hugging to begin with. It’s possible that people just felt bad and didn’t want to break it too me that I was horrible at hugging, and although externally they smiled, internally they were dying slow deaths of awkwardness and Acqua Di Gio cologne every time I embraced them. Hard to say, but I don’t want you to be as pitiful at the church hug as I am. So after much research, a few usability tests that I ran with my wife in our living room and more bar graphs than I care to count, here is a list of the varieties of church hugs you need to be prepared for.

1. The Three Strikes and You’re Out
Apparently, if you’re single and someone pats your back three times when you hug, that’s to let you know that you’re out of any possible dating contention and are firmly locked into the “friend-zone.” When someone hits your back three times, “pat, pat, pat,” in your head you should imagine that hand beating out the chorus to the song, “You’re a friend, just a friend. It’s the end, you’re a friend.”

2. The Circle of Something Something
If instead of a pat, the person hugs you and rubs their hand in a circle on your back, there might be something something a foot. “Hey, maybe we could go on a date. This hug at the end of a group get together just got circlicious. Is there something here?” There is my friend, there is. You don’t casually do the circle on someone’s back, that’s only two steps removed from a massage. This could be love.

3. The Multitasker
Guys will hug, as long as one of their hands can be multitasking in some sort of complicated handshake at the exact same moment. It starts with the handshake, which gets flipped into some sort of knuckle grab which then pulls you into a one armed hug that culminates in a three strikes and you’re out. Some people will tell you that it should be concluded with one or both guys saying, “dawg” but those people are gravely mistaken.

4. The Over Under
Although I’ve been very honest about my desire to never interlink fingers with you during an “everyone hold hands” moment at church, I’m surprisingly not opposed to an over under. What’s that? It’s a hug where someone goes over the shoulders with their arms and the other person goes under the shoulders. Executed in the right context, it’s an incredibly kind way to comfort someone during a trying time or a sad moment on a church retreat. Executed in the wrong context, like someone has just scored a hole in one in God’s favorite sport Frisbee golf, and it feels like you’re trying to slow dance in the eighth grade. (To Millie Vanilli’s “Blame it on the Rain” in case you were curious.)

5. The A Frame
Epic fail on my part. When I wrote the side hug post I thought the A frame was actually just another name for a side hug. Nope. An A frame is kind of a half committed full frontal hug. You hug, but you only touch clavicle to clavicle. Your torsos don’t actually really touch and from the side, it looks like you and the other person are forming an A. It’s a perfect hug to do during the “greet the people around you” moment at church. Instead of trying to escape out of the row or aisle, you can lean over, with the pew between you and hug someone’s neck.

Hopefully we’ve cleared up a lot of hug misconceptions today. No one wants to lean in for a deeply moving over under hug and instead be greeted by a multitasker but unless we’re all on the same page, hug train wrecks going to continue happening in churches around the world.

Are you a hugger?

What’s your style?

Did I leave any off the list?

602. Trying to be humble, a 7 Step Guide.

Church/ church culture/ Guest Posts August 21, 2009 • Comments

(How do you become humble? It’s difficult right? I mean it’s not like there’s one magic step that makes you humble. It’s actually seven steps and they’re all here today at Stuff Christians Like thanks to unstoppable guest blogging machine Curtis. Enjoy.)

Trying to become humble, a Seven Step Guide

One of the stupidest things I’ve ever done is prayed for God to make me more humble. I think this might be one of the only prayers that God will always answer with an emphatic “YES”.

Below is a seven step guide to becoming humble. I’ve found that I am often humbled participating in church activities, many of them in incredibly public situations. Some of these scenarios are autobiographical; I’ll let you decide for yourself which ones have happened to me and which ones are made up.

1.) Be the back-up right fielder for your church’s softball team.
It doesn’t get much less important than this, unless your role is team bat boy. The college minister’s four year old son is already pretty good at that, so when you’re riding the pine while your team is out to even the score with the Methodists, you’ll get really good at spitting sunflower seed husks and heckling the umpire “in Christian love.”

2.) Get demoted to page turner for the pianist.
So you can’t carry a tune in a bucket. Who knew the men’s choir didn’t need any bropranos? Your new job is to turn pages for the pianist (what they didn’t tell you is that it’s an a capella choir called “In One A-Chord”).

3.) Be the low man on the hand bell totem pole.
You know the hand bell that looks like the Liberty Bell pre-crack? Yeah, you’re playing that one. It gets thumped once every seventeen offertories. But, hey, at least you get to wear those fancy white gloves. Maybe you can use them to practice being a Christian mime or something. After all, wasn’t it St. Francis of Assisi who said, “Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words”?

4.) Get booed off the stage at a nursing home.
Sure, it’s a nice idea to go and sing to residents at the local nursing home. But just because you own a guitar doesn’t mean you are a guitar player, especially when you also aren’t a very good singer. Sometimes no visitors is better than visitors who ruin Frank Sinatra songs.

5.) Get cast as understudy for the felt board storyteller.
Sure, Framanda is like the Tiger Woods of felt board storytelling. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get your time to shine (especially when you’ve created your own custom felt board version of the rapture story for the five year old Sunday school class).

6.) Sort out the green M&Ms for the diva worship leader.
Someone has to do it. Otherwise he just won’t go on. After all, the green ones are the holiest. Maybe one day you’ll be promoted to “faux hawk re-geller” so you can keep the awesome cranked up to eleven before the worship leader goes out and flexes the golden pipes during the special music portion of the worship service.

7.) Get nominated as Frisbee caddy for the pastor’s son by the recreation committee.
You’ve really hit rock bottom if you find yourself wading through ponds and crawling around in poison ivy looking for the pastor’s son’s Frisbee at the local disc golf course. Maybe instead of praying for humility you should be praying for a new serving role at your church.

I think we could all use at least a small dose of humility (points to self), but be careful what you pray for. If any combination of these things happens to you, you’ll have some stories to trade with Job when you get to heaven. Just don’t go out and get a shirt that says “Who has two thumbs and is really humble? THIS GUY.” That really defeats the purpose.

What are some ways (funny or not) that you’ve been humbled?

(For more great stuff from Curtis, check out his blog justwallpaper.wordpress.com)

588. The Sexy Sermon Series.

Church/ church culture/ love July 27, 2009 • Comments

If Zondervan lets me write a second book, I’ll probably title it “How to grow a huge church in 1 easy step.” And inside the book, which I will insist on having my picture on, will be a single piece of paper. (Talk about being green!) And on that piece of paper will be the secret to instant church growth.

Want to know it? Want a sneak peek or really I guess it’s not a peek so much as it is the whole book? Here it is:

“If you want to grow your church instantly, do a sermon series about sex.”

Many of you have probably already stopped reading this post and are currently hanging billboards around your town advertising the new sermon series your church is going to do. But maybe that book needs a second page. Maybe that one sentence is not enough. Maybe it’s not easy to name a sex sermon series. So I did some research and put together a little quiz that will hopefully help you think through what you should title your series. Below are a bunch of names for sex sermon series, including some websites. Some are real and are from actual churches. Some are fake and are from my head. See if you can guess which ones are which:

Sexy sermon series or something Jon made up?

1. “Yourultimatelover.com”
A. That’s a real sermon series.
B. Jon made that up.

2. “Great Sex for You”
A. That’s a real sermon series.
B. Jon made that up.

3. “Bringing Sexy Back”
A. That’s a real sermon series.
B. Jon made that up.

4. “Electric Sex”
A. That’s a real sermon series.
B. Jon made that up.

5. “Whatsbetweenthesheets.com”
A. That’s a real sermon series.
B. Jon made that up.

6. “Desperatesexlives.com”
A. That’s a real sermon series.
B. Jon made that up.

7. “Solomon is the OT’s version of the musician Prince. Love notes from a man whose awesomeness with the ladies eventually brought him to ruin.”
A. That’s a real sermon series.
B. Jon made that up.

How’d you do? Want the answer key? OK, they’re all real. Each one of those titles was from a church sermon series. Whoa, curve ball. I zigged right when you were expecting a zag, I bobbed when you were expecting a weave, I Marloned Wayans right when you were expecting me to Kenan Ivory Wayans. Or maybe you saw through the whole thing, even the fake one I threw in at the end.

I’m not sure what the approach some churches are taking with the subject of sex says about us. Are we talking about it too much? Are we using it as a subject because it garners lots of attention? Or are we not talking about it enough?

I’m torn on this one. On the one hand, the world has a loud, noisy, colorful campaign about sex. They are constantly bombarding us with messages about it and for us to remain silent or to allow the world to try to claim that topic as their own domain seems foolish. I cheer that the churches on this list are sharing God’s word with our culture with creativity and funk. But at the same time, I think it’s really tempting to use that topic as a neon sign that will attract people to a topic but maybe not the Lord. Pastor Craig Groeschel dropped some bombs on this subject at a conference I went to when he talked about the foolishness of doing a sex sermon series just as a way to make your church look cool. And I confess that even as a silly blogger it’s tempting to write about controversial subjects in the hope that controversy will attract more eyeballs.

Where do you stand on that?

Does the church talk about sex too much?

Or not enough?

586. Not forgiving Amy Grant nearly fast enough.

Church/ church culture/ my bad July 23, 2009 • Comments

Here’s the thing Amy, turns out I’m perfect. I know, surprising, right? True, there was some sin in my life in the fall of 1997 and then again during Labor Day weekend in 2001, but those days are long gone. I’m flawless and I thought you were too. I thought you were one of us, but then you went and got a divorce.

Soooo, I had to stop listening to your music. It was bad enough that in the video for your pop crossover hit, “Baby, Baby,” you agreed to dance around with some dude as if the song was about loving a guy when all your real fans, the people that have supported you through thick and thin, knew that wasn’t the real meaning of the song. That’s when I first got nervous that you might actually be human. But as a diehard fan I cut you some slack, approximately .2 inches of slack.

But then you got divorced and married Vince Gill. Apparently you forgot you’re a role model Amy, not a human.

Sure, I could see how this approach might help create a Christian culture where we put famous Christians on pedestals. I could see how this might encourage our leaders to never admit small mistakes. I can understand how this might help contribute to prominent Christians lying about the little things for fear of losing my attention until finally those little things stack up and fall over, crushing the leader under the weight of decades of secret sin and stunning his followers who never saw a single crack in an otherwise perfect façade. But I didn’t say being perfect was easy. I just said I expected it.

I got rid of all of your CDs. Don’t worry, I didn’t burn them. I learned my lesson the hard way in high school when I destroyed all of my music after getting really fired up after a retreat. A month later I started buying the same CDs again when the fervor of the retreat wore off. (Again, a fairly dark period of my life that involved repurchasing and throwing away the Bangles, “Walk like an Egyptian” and perhaps even wearing my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can, see the light that’s right between my eyes.)

Nope, instead of throwing away your music I just put you in my “judging box” in my closet under the stairs. That’s where I keep the things that I might need to keep my eye on for the next few years. If you want to earn your way out of there I suggest a documentary about how you blew it. Maybe an apology concert of some sort and perhaps one more television show where you make the dreams of the less fortunate come true. Only this time, make sure it’s on TBN and not NBC Amy. You’re not going to earn your way out of the judging box with a show on any of the major “netjerks.” (wordplay!)

584. Planning the ultimate Christian wedding.

Church/ church culture/ love July 21, 2009 • Comments

I used to write advertising for a company that specialized in rental tuxedos. One of my jobs was to answer all the emails that people sent to a fictional girl called “Jenny.” So on any given day I was emailing wedding advice to anxious would be brides about everything from what color cummerbunds would match a bridesmaid’s dress to how to politely ask groomsmen to pay for their own tuxes.

The idea of me giving girls advice about color schemes and wedding dresses is absurd. I was horrible at that part of my job and I regret if you ever got some ridiculous email signed by “Jenny.” That was me. I thought chocolate was going to be the new black and coral was darker than salmon. My bad.

But despite my woeful color schemes, I do think I can help you plan the ultimate Christian wedding. I’ve been in a few, I’m about to do one and over the last year you shared a lot of ideas about them. Plus, after “Surviving Church as a Single” became the biggest post ever on Stuff Christians Like I felt like the married readers needed some love too. Without further ado, I give you:

The Ultimate Christian Wedding Scorecard

1. You have someone read a Bible verse at your wedding. = +1 point for each verse

2. You have someone read 1 Corinthians 13, love is patient at your wedding = +2 points

3. You have someone read verses from Song of Solomon in the message version of the Bible and the verses sound vaguely like a Prince lyric and somehow include the phrase, “let’s make out.” = +3 points

4. The person you ask to read the verse is not a Christian and your primary purpose in asking them is that you hope that touching the Bible will rub off on them via osmosis. = +1 point

5. You do a unity candle. = +2 points

6. You weave three ribbons (representing you, your spouse and God) into a single strand that cannot be torn asunder. = +2 points

7. You refuse to hold a bachelor party because they’re evil. = +1 point

8. You hold a bachelor party but call it a “guys that love Jesus golfing together party” = +3 points

9. The pastor that does your ceremony cracks a joke about sex = +3 points for every joke

10. You and your spouse take communion during the ceremony = +3 points

11. You and everyone at the wedding take communion during the ceremony = +4 points

12. You take a love offering during the ceremony = – 3 points

13. The pastor mentions the “don’t let the sun go down on your anger” principle = + 1 point

14. You have a live bird of prey at the podium with you and your bride in order to symbolize the “mount up like eagles” Bible verse = +10 points

15. You receive a, “As for me and my house” plaque for a wedding gift = +1 point for each

16. You receive a Thomas Kinkade painting for a wedding gift = +1 point for each

17. You receive the first 15 volumes of the Left Behind book series in a commemorative wheelbarrow because the girth of that many books is physically staggering = +5 points

18. You don’t have dancing at the reception because it’s held in a church and that church doesn’t approve of dancing and you miss your chance to dance, dance, dance the night away Jon Acuff. = -1 point

19. You have dancing at the reception and your grandmother gets on the floor and dances to Fergie’s song “Fergilicious,” Bennett Acuff (my little brother) = +1 million points

20. At any point during the ceremony a Shofar horn makes a cameo = + 1 point

21. The favor you give everyone is a Bible = +3 points

22. The Bibles are Gideon editions you stole from the hotel all the guests are staying at. = -4 points

23. Your pastor can’t resist the temptation of a captive audience and ad libs the entire gospel message in the middle of your vows = +1 point

24. Your pastor asks you to take a seat for a minute so that people have room to come forward for the altar call. = +2 points

25. Your pastor mentions the phrase “covenant relationship” = + 2 points for each use

26. Your pastor tells the story of Adam and Eve = +3 points

27. Your pastor highlights the verses about “wives submitting to their husband” = +1 point

28. Your crazy aunt boos or hisses from the crowd when she hears this = – 2 points

29. The church you get married in lets you know upfront that they only allow “sacred music” and if you get married there you better expect the organ to be the main instrument used. = +3 points

0 – 10 Points = Not a big fan of God huh? Didn’t feel like inviting Him to your wedding? Didn’t think you could find a tux big enough for Him? Interesting.

11-20 Points = I don’t want to call you “lukewarm” but it’s possible you registered for gifts at that store, “I’m kind of a Christian.”

21+ Points = Welcome to the big leagues. Your wedding is just like church except there’s cake at the end. Onward Christian soldier.

How did you score? I hit over 30 because we got married at a conservative church in Atlanta.

How about you?

What other Christian wedding staples did I miss?

What did you do at your wedding or weddings you’ve been to?

583. Feeling guilty for not homeschooling your kids or sending them to a Christian school.

Church/ church culture/ Kids July 20, 2009 • Comments

A few weeks ago I lied to a guy at church. I didn’t mean to, I wasn’t planning on playing him like that, it just happened.

I was in the hall getting my daughter L.E. out of Sunday School. He and I have talked before about the private Christian school his kids go to. So while we waited in line, he made small talk and asked, “Have you guys decided on a school yet?”

The truth is, we have. We’re sending our daughter to Kindergarten at the public school down the street. But what came out of my mouth when he asked that question was, “No, we haven’t made a decision yet.”

Wow, Jon Acuff = liar. And when I talked later with my wife about why I lied to my friend, I realized, “I feel guilty for not homeschooling or sending my kids to a private Christian school.”

Where did that come from? My friend certainly never said or did anything to make me feel that way. He’s one of the kindest, nicest people on the planet. I don’t think I’ve read anything in the Bible that says, “If you want to be a real Christian you have to homeschool your kids or send them to private school,” so how did I end up with this belief?

I’m not sure, but I think it might be because I tend to buy into stereotypes. When my neighbor said to me, “The public schools are great here except for the middle school when you have to start worrying about the street gangs” I started to believe in my head, “Great, every public school on the planet is riddled with gangs. It’s not hard enough to be a teenage girl, why don’t I send my daughter to a school where in addition to puberty, she will one day have to wrestle with gang affiliation in the eighth grade.” And then when I meet a teenager that is homeschooled and polite I think, “If I want to have polite, God-loving, awesome kids I have to homeschool them.”

I tend to accept the extremes as the rule, but I’m finding that the more I can put my stereotypes on the table, the easier it is for me to laugh at them and then move on to the truth. So today, I thought I’d throw out my favorite stereotypes for public schools, homeschooling and private Christian schools, giggle at them and then move on. Here goes:

Public School Stereotypes
1. If you send your kid to public school they’re going to be constantly learning about evolution. Even gym class will have some sort of Darwinian dodgeball kind of game they play. Every class they take will be evolution focused and eventually they will hate the Bible and creation.

2. When they’re not learning about evolution, your kids will be taking sex ed classes that Larry Flynt, Hugh Hefner and the satan himself funded.

3. If you send your kid to public school, they will “grow up fast” and walk away from the church.

4. If you send your kid to public school, you can look at it like a mission field because they’ll have a chance to witness to so many people.

5. If you send your kid to public school, you’ll have to supplement the Bible they’re not getting during the day with round the clock Bible study at home from the moment school gets out until the second your kids go to sleep at night.

Private Christian School Stereotypes
1. If you send your kid to Private Christian school, they’ll study the Bible all day and form a lifelong relationship with Christ that no man can tear asunder.

2. If you send your kid to Private Christian school, they’ll eventually go wild if they go to a non Christian college because suddenly they won’t have all the same restrictions they are used to.

3. If you think public school kids are fast, send your kids to a private school where the kids actually have money for the big, serious drugs and have the time and financial freedom to really get crazy.

4. If you send your kids to a private Christian school, you can worry less about family Bible time because that’s the school’s job, not yours.

5. If you send your kid to private Christian school you’ll never have to worry about mean kids, or your kids having enough friends or any of the other challenging things that come with being a teenager because everyone at a private Christian school is a Christian and loves one another.

Homeschool Stereotypes
1. If you homeschool your kids, you have to become “pseudo Amish” and your wife has to grow her hair down to her waist, learn how to make her own clothes, grow your own food and churn your own butter.

2. If you homeschool your kids, they’ll be so socially stunted that they won’t know how to handle any social interaction outside of your own family.

3. If you homeschool your kids, you can take family vacations whenever you want because you’re no longer a slave to the school system’s calendar.

4. If you homeschool your kids, they can’t go to the prom, play sports, and have friends with last names different than your own.

5. If you homeschool your kids, they’ll have to go to a small Bible college somewhere in the woods because “homeschool valedictorian” doesn’t hold a lot of clout on a college application.

Those are the stereotypes bouncing around my head right now.

How about you? Have you ever felt guilty for not sending your kids to private Christian school or homeschooling them?

Where you homeschooled?

Did you go to a private Christian school?

What’s your take on the whole school thing?

Did I miss any stereotypes?