This morning I am speaking at the Catalyst Conference. As you read I am somewhere in Atlanta pacing nervously before I speak like a jungle cat, pacing excitedly on the stage like a jungle cat, grabbing as many free granola bars as I can find like a jungle cat.
I am nothing if not consistent.
Given the day, I thought it might be good to look back on one of the posts that Catalyst inspired. It felt right today. And so we discuss,
“Understanding how metrosexual your worship leader is.”
I wrote this post because no one has quantified this phenomenon.
There are some things in life that are concrete and true. For instance, it is a fact that “You’re all I want for Christmas” by Mariah Carey and “Christmas in Hollis” by Run DMC are fantastic songs. No argument there. But when you tell someone about your church, there’s not a standard system to describe the degree of metrosexuality your worship leader possesses. Wouldn’t it be awesome to say, “You’ll love my church and the music. Our worship leader scored a 78 on the SCL Metro Test.”
Don’t answer that last question. It was rhetorical. As a service to churches around the world, here is an easy rating system by which to analyze to what degree your worship leader is a metrosexual.
1. Has a faux hawk hair style = +1
2. Has more product in his hair than your wife = +1
3. Has Rob Bell, black rimmed glasses = +1
4. They are not prescription, but just for effect = +2
5. Attends the Catalyst Conference = +3
6. Performs at the Catalyst Conference = +10
7. Owns Puma, Vans or Diesel sneakers = +2 per each pair
8. Wears jeans on stage = +1
9. Wears designer jeans on stage = +2
10. Wears Wrangler or Rustler jeans on stage = -3
11. Has a goatee = +2
12. Wears one of those Castro revolution looking hats = +2
13. Drinks coffee on stage = +1
14. Drinks some kind of coffee you did not know existed = +2
15. Brings a French Press on stage and makes his own coffee during service = +5
16. Has a handlebar mustache, that is not for irony = -3
17. Good at Frisbee but hates getting all “sweaty” = +1
18. Has a haircut that covers one of his eyes while singing = +1
19. Owns a white belt = +2
20. Owns suspenders = -3 (That’s more for the hipster list which we need to create)
21. Wears a scarf with a t-shirt = +1
22. Wears a winter knit hat even in the summer = +2
23. You think he covered a My Chemical Romance song last week = +3
24. Drives an Audi or VW, silver of course = +2
25. Uses the words, “postmodern, relevant” or “emergent” nonstop = +2
26. Cringes a little when people say the “H word.” (Hymnal) = +3
27. Has ever said some form of the phrase, “That song is so 1990s” = +1
28. Owns a Grizzly Adams red and black flannel shirt = -2 (Again, too Americana hipster.)
29. Named his kid after a color or a number = +2
30. References Norwegian punk bands you’ve never heard of = +2
31. Wears a tie = -1
32. Wears a tie as a belt = +2
33. Looks as if he might exfoliate = +2
34. Has a man bag or European Carry All = +2
35. Brings said bag on stage with him = +2
36. Has a tattoo = +2
37. Has a visible tattoo = +4
38. Wife accompanies him on stage and plays triangle = -4
39. Was formerly in a punk new wave band = +2
40. Has 7 different guitars on stage and manages to play each one during a 4 minute song = +3
41. Refuses to drink anything but Vitamin Water = +2
42. Your wife ever says, “he needs a barrette for his hair.” = +2
43. Has a nickname with “the” in it, as in “the edge,” = +2
44. Owns every Nooma video = +2
45. Has a soul patch = +3
46. Won’t play barefoot on stage until he gets a pedicure = +2
47. Refers to California as “the left coast” = +2
48. Currently subscribes to Dwell or Details magazine = +2
49. Owns a pair of lady jeans = +2
50. Twitters you from his iPhone = +2
51. His toddler dresses cooler than you = +2
52. He wears graphic t-shirts over button down, long sleeve shirts = +2
53. Ever says “we got a hot mic here” = -4
54. Shops at the Gap = 0
55. Shops at Urban Outfitters = +2
I scored one of the worship leaders I’m friends with and he did pretty well. At some point I will do a lady version, but for right now, I feel like a 55 item list of analyzing worship leaders is enough to earn me a new batch of “you are weird” emails, and at the end of the day, that’s all I can ask for.
So here it is. My hope is that everyone will post comments and confess which category they fit in. I scored a 35 by the way.
0 – 10 points = Hymnal Hero
You my friend are what is known in the industry as a “Hymnal Hero.” (the industry of sarcasm by the way) You’re not metro in the least bit. You don’t like fruit flavored chapstick and think that songs that were written in this century, or the last one for that matter, are “too new.” If married, your wife tries to get you to wear hip jeans but you’re not into it. When my hymnal cologne comes out, you will buy a case.
11 – 20 points = Tomlin Curious
Oh, well hello there, you’re Tomlin Curious. I am of course referring to Chris Tomlin, one of the founding fathers of metrosexual worship leading. You’re currently dipping a toe, pedicured even, into the idea of all of this. You still rock the occasional hymnal but recently you saw a wide leather bracelet at the mall and thought about getting it. When you sleep at night you can hear voices calling you, “come style your hair, come frost your tips.”
21 – 40 points = Goatee Guy
Right now, you’re wearing Pumas and drinking a coffee that has fourteen words in its name. It’s cool, I have Pumas on too. You’ve gone over to the Salmon side. (This is the side where instead of saying “pink” you say things are “salmon” or “melon” or “coral.”) You rarely play a hymn and style yourself after Jeremy Camp. For breakfast you had something with “wheat grass” in it.
41 – 60 points = Girl Jeans Gambler
I’ve never personally rocked the girls jeans because they make my legs look really skinny. Oh, and I’m also a boy. But you’re thinking about it. I mean you’re not ready to do the Chris Daughtry eyeliner thing, he’s a bit more rock than metro anyway, but when you shop for clothes you get a little tempted. You’ve never sung a hymn and think Chris Tomlin is “too traditional.”
61+ points = The Carlos
My friend Carlos of Ragamuffinsoul.com, is perhaps the most metro worship guy I have ever met. He’s also one of the coolest too, but that’s beside the point. Not only does he have a tattoo of Paul’s conversion, he was featured on the show “LA Ink” getting it. He has a cool nickname, “Los” and hangs out with creative types like photographers a lot. He’s really funny but can bust out an instant, “I’m a serious rockstar worship leader” face for his photos and was sent to Africa by Compassion International because his blog is so big. He is the Michael Jordan of Metrosexual Worship Leaders. If you reach this level then you are on another planet my friend, the Carlos planet.