I don’t need the table of contents in my Bible. In fact, I’m so holy I ripped it out and rolled it up into a homemade shofar horn to call my kids down to dinner. But that’s so paper of me, declaring my holiness by proving I know exactly where the book of Joel is based on my constant reading of the Bible. That’s 1997. Not relevant. Not postmodern or whatever the word we care most about is right now.
How do we update that idea? How, in 2012, can you really tell if someone is holy?
By looking at where they keep their Bible app on their smart phone.
Not all locations are created equal. App geography matters tremendously and, fortunately, I put together a pretty simple guide.
The Bible App Holiness Guide or (BAHG)
Only App on your smart phone
Holiest, or “Enoch” Level
I guess they’ll just bring a fiery chariot right to your door when you decide you’ve spent enough time on this planet. You have a smart phone, but the only app you have on it is the Bible. The “front page” of your iPhone is just the Bible app. There are no other choices. You even found a way to delete Google Maps. When you get lost, you don’t open up GPS. You open up Exodus and read about the Israelites roaming the desert.
Super Holy, or “Pastor” Level
Top shelf! Pretty good. No searching deep into your phone for your copy of Youversion. It’s right there on the front page or homepage, if you will. Granted, it’s slumming with YouTube and a bunch of other nonsense apps, but you’re still doing pretty good.
Kind of Holy, or “Pre-Rooster Peter” Level
I don’t know about Android, but the first page of the iPhone has 16 available slots. You’re telling me the Bible didn’t make the top 16? Yikes. The Bible is in your list of top 17 apps? Pretty sure Pre-Rooster Peter would have said the same thing.
In a folder
Smidge Holy, or “Martha” Level
Whoa, interesting choice. Keeping the Bible in a folder? That’s the 2012 equivalent of hiding your light under a bushel. I’m pretty sure that verse meant to say, “You are a light on a hill, unless you feel like putting your Bible app four pages deep in some sort of folder named ‘Education.’” I guess you got distracted using Evernote or some other productivity app, like Martha would have loved.
Don’t have a Bible App
I’ll pray for you, or “Gonna be a hot one my friend” level
Was it the price of Youversion that kept you away? Free? That too expensive? Good grief. I’ll pray for you. Probably. Unless you don’t have a smart phone. Some of my friends don’t, and I can appreciate that, especially when they don’t say, “I don’t even have a smart phone,” which is becoming the new “I don’t even own a TV.”
Based on that chart, I’m super holy. My Youversion app is right there on the first page of my iPhone.
How about you?
If you have a smart phone and a Bible app, how’d you score?