1112. Stuff Christians (Guys) Like: Girls That Have a Past

Update

Here’s the most popular reaction to the post, as voted on by readers:

“Ok. I am a girl with a past that took me a long time to get over and I thought this was funny. It does a good job of calling out how we humans can twist things. Thank you, Jesus for your grace and love. Bottom line.”

But, at the same time there were some comments that thought the post wasn’t funny or kind or on target. Some people said, “Worst post ever.” Some of the people who didn’t like it made some great points in expressing their opinions of the post.

As varied as the opinions were, there was one thing I wanted to address. I don’t ever want people with a past to feel judged on SCL. Boys, Girls, Men, Women, anyone. From the get go, I’ve tried to be hyper honest about my own past. Serious Wednesdays are like a hit list of my worst mistakes.

Whether you loved or hated this post, if you’ve got a past, I’m sorry if it seemed like this post was picking on it. My past is too big to point a finger at somebody else’s.  

(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s a new one from SCL favorite John Crist.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how!) 

Quick note from me, Jon Acuff.

5 reasons I posted this guest post.

1. It fit the goal of the Stuff Christians Like site.
The goal is to clear away the clutter of Christianity so that we can see the beauty of Christ. Trying to date “girls with a past” is a cluttered idea that needs to be discussed and cleared away.

2. It fits the goal of satire.
The goal of satire is to exaggerate an issue until it’s large enough for all of us to see it and discuss it. Satire takes an issue and makes it into a huge mirror so that we can all look at the reflection together and say, “Seriously, is that what we think good dating looks like? Are we OK with this way of thinking? If not, what are we going to do about it?”

3. It’s true.
I hope this post is ridiculous to you and you think, “I’ve never heard of something so stupid, who thinks like that? That can’t be real.” But it is. I’ve heard countless guys say versions of this post.

4. It points out a problem in a certain gender … men.
The post is about the foolishness of men. Men who think this way, men who make dating decisions this way, men who are dumb. I better get some angry comments from men, because that’s who this post is about.

5. It needed to be called out.
I didn’t marry a wife with the stereotypical past described below. I’m trying my best as a dad to raise daughters who leave the house so full of love and value that when the world bumps them they will not empty and chase things that will hurt them. And so the chance to call out a line of thinking that is opposite of that was important to me.

Stuff Christians (Guys) Like: Girls that Have a Past -by John Crist

There are a lot of girls at my church. They come in all colors, shapes, sizes and feathered hair accessories (is the feather thing just in Colorado, or is it everywhere?). Anyway, I always find myself being attracted to the girls who have a past, a testimony if you will.

DISCLAIMER: We all came to Jesus in different ways. We ALL have a past. It’s just that, as Christians, we’ve deemed some pasts as cooler than others.

Again, SCL doesn’t make the Christian rules, we just bring them to light. Today is no different.

Guys, if you’re like me, you’re oddly attracted to the girls with a past.

Here’s a scorecard to help you spot one at church. And ladies, while you’re here, you might as well run a quick calculation on yourself. The more points you have, the more likely you are to have a past of some sort.

The Unofficial Identifying Girls in Church Who Have a Past Scorecard:

Arrives late to church: +1

Arrives early to church: -1

Loves to dress up for Halloween (no further explanation needed): +3

Dresses up as Esther or Ruth (but not Rahab!) for Harvest Festival: -8

Hates Colossians 3:18: +7

Loves Colossians 3:18: -7

Gets upset for having to wear one piece bathing suits at church pool parties: +3

Wears heels to prayer meetings: +1

Cries excessively during Charlie Hall songs: +4

Sniffles during “Christmas Shoes” song: -4

Wears hoop earrings: +2

Wears cross/lamb/fish/heart/angel/praying hands earrings: -2

Social Drinker: +1

Drinks liquor out of a Camelbak on church hikes: +5

Concerned about being photographed while consuming alcohol: -3

Overly flirtatious: +3

Introduces first dates to her parents: -3

Has way more guy friends than girl friends: +4

Gets subtly judged by other girls in the church: +7

Homeschooled: -15

Homeschooled because she got kicked out of school: +20

Wears white shorts: +3

Has a crush on Kirk Cameron: -10

Doesn’t hang out with church people on the weekends: +2

Babysits the pastor’s kids on weekends: -5

Rolls up her mission trip shirts to show her stomach: +3

Has a hand-made quilt of her past 10 mission trips shirts: -4

Has been seen carrying around Redeeming Love: +5

Has been seen carrying around Every Man’s Battle, claims she’s trying to understand men so she can be a better wife: -5

Retweets Kim Kardashian: +1

Retweets Twila Paris: -10

Favorite movie is Bridesmaids: +1

Is a bridesmaid (in every wedding at church): -2

Asks if there’s gonna be an open bar at the wedding: +4

Her Facebook profile pic includes a dude who isn’t her boyfriend or brother: +10

Her Facebook profile pic includes her holding a village child on a mission trip: -10

Ladies, I’m not gonna try to qualify or categorize any of the results. I’m too scared. I already feel like some of you may want to burn my house down. Again, these are my opinions. Correct me if I’m wrong.

(My name is John Crist. I am standup comedian. I’m live tweeting the facts that didn’t make the cut all day at @johnbcrist. I got a bunch of standup comedy videos at www.youtube.com/johnbcrist )

(P.S. This article was co-written/inspired by @tkbender)