#1084. The Inspirational Offering-taker Guy

(John Crist is a longtime guest contributor to SCL.  He is a brilliant writer and standup comedian from Denver, Colorado.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how.)

The Inspirational Offering-taker Guy by John Crist

Dear Church Staff,

Hi! Pastor Chuck here.

First, let’s talk about how everyone calls me Pastor Chuck. In no other professional environment would this be acceptable to call someone by a prefix and then their first name. Makes no sense! From now on it’s Pastor Bergland, Chuck, or the Great Bergambino (on the softball field only, please).

Second, I know its Friday and everyone is out of the office. Again, in no other professional environment would it be acceptable to show up to the office for two hours with your family on a Sunday morning and call it a days’ work. Just me? Ok, moving on.

Third, the reason for my email. We all know there are only two stage-responsible people on staff here, the worship leader and me. Since we’re already on stage too much, we need a qualified inspirational offering-taker guy. If you’re qualified, please respond in the comments section below.

Available Position: Inspirational Offering-taker Guy

Job Description:
Receive the head nod from the worship leader then walk up onto the stage (make sure the microphone is turned on!) and say some inspirational stuff about how everyone should give us money. Then introduce the special song and exit the stage.

QUALIFICATIONS:

Must include a joke every week:
Once I told the congregation to “make it rain” in the offering bucket…they were confused. But last week I said, “Just so you know, millions is spelled M-I-L-L-I-O-N-S”…it killed!

Must reference current events:
This is hard when nothing is happening. Say something about a natural disaster; I’m sure that happened somewhere. If all else fails just say something like, “I’m sure you’ve all heard the news about the economy.” …That always works.

Must reference the fact that you’re better than everyone in the congregation:
Say something like, “I was jogging at 4am this morning and God spoke to me…” or “I received a word from the Lord yesterday while I was rescuing stray puppies…” Or, if you cant come up with anything, just hold a really worn out Bible with duct tape on it. That should do the trick.

Must include a scripture reference the congregation has never heard of:
Or better yet, a book of the Bible they didn’t even know existed. Nahum or Titus usually work well for me.

Must get everyone to cheer/clap for something:
“Give God a shout of praise!” “Let’s thank the greet team for their hard work.” “Let’s give it up to The NFL for solving labor negotiations. Go Broncos!” It’s really up to you…

CANDIDATES:

A young pastor needing extra stage time:
Trust me, all young pastors need stage time. Leading a Bible study is not gonna cut it if you want to be a senior pastor some day.

A church employee:
Because who better to convince people to give money to the church than someone who gets paid by the church? Right? Right?

A representative from one of the struggling ministries at the church:
Don’t we have like a military support ministry or a single moms ministry or something? What about someone from the men’s ministry? Representatives from the biker ministry need not apply, that could be a liability.

COMPENSATION:
I’m thinking about hiring a full-time inspirational offering-taker guy and paying him 100% commission. He’ll receive 10% based on how much he inspires giving over the annual budget. Still praying about this…

Question: Is the Inspirational Offering-taker Guy at your church doing a good job? If not, are you qualified?

Also, can we figure out this guy’s title please? Inspirational Offering-taker Guy? The Feature Act? The Guy Who Talks While I’m Checking my Cell Phone?

(John Crist is a standup comedian from Colorado and not the offering guy at his church. Last time he was asked to do it, he said, “You know, this week I was reading in, um…John 3:16 and…um…” He was never asked back. Visit his YouTube Page.)