#1050. The 4 Types of Christian Newlyweds (and 1 bonus couple)
(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Kyle Porter who writes a blog with his wife called Our Marriage Project. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how.)
The 4 Types of Christian Newlyweds (and 1 bonus couple) – By Kyle Porter
Hi my name is Kyle. I have a marriage blog where I (along with my wife) tell stories. We do our best to give people advice and tips on how to have a successful marriage or relationship. I’ve been married four months, and I have no idea what I’m talking about, so said advice should be taken with a bucket of salt. In my 120+ days of marriage, my wife and I have encountered some interesting couples, but none more interesting than these four (plus a bonus).
I’d like to designate these couples with some cool alliterative name like the “Fab Four” or my “Final Four,” but since those are already taken, I decided to go with the much less alliterative but more specific, “Four Christian Newlywed Couples + 1 Borderline Christian Newlywed Couple You’re Sure To Encounter In The Christian Community”
1. The Homeschooled Couple
As a fellow homeschooler myself, I can spot homeschooled couples at distances from which most people would be in need of a high-resolution telescope. I know what you’re thinking: The easiest ways to spot them are the classic signs like: ankle-length dresses in any and all social settings, uncomfortable jokes about life without electricity, and his and hers “I heart my co-op” bracelets. But with homeschooling growing in popularity and it becoming a much more normal option, those signs don’t work anymore. Instead, listen to see if they exchange love affirmations like, “I love you more than I loved my 7th grade Saxon math book” or “our wedding ceremony was so much more romantic than my faux high school graduation.” You know, silly barbs like that. Difficulty to spot: 1 (1-10 scale)
2. The Irresistible Couple
With all due respect to Shane Claiborne and his revolution, this is the couple who scanned TOMS and fair trade coffee for their wedding registry. This couple may or may not have 1 collective job between both of them but definitely owns a $3,000+ point-and-shoot camera. Walk into any coffee shop in the U.S. that plays Jack Johnson or something more hippie and you’re guaranteed to encounter this couple. This couple could talk for days about the amount of money they’ve donated to Kiva. This couple means well, they really do, but they’re in a v-neck-and-v-neck battle for the easiest Christian newlywed couple to spot with the homeschooled couple. Difficulty to spot: 2 (Homeschooled couple wins because they usually make their own lye for household soap products, which is a dead giveaway when you have dinner at their house and have to use the restroom.)
3. The Wild At Heart Couple
We’ve all experienced the Wild at Heart couple. You might not have known it at the time, but you have. He leads 3 men’s breakfast accountability groups. She texts with Karen Kingsbury and helps create content for future productions of “Every Woman’s Battle.” He and she both more than likely serve on the parking/children’s/kids/middle school/ usher teams at church. Having 3+ mentor couples and 5+ couples they’re mentoring is not unusual for this couple. This couple shattered the previous record scores for the E portion of their Myers-Briggs premarital testing. Difficulty to spot: 4
4. The Granola Couple
This Christian couple may or may not have been married in a barn next to a stream in northwestern Colorado. This couple’s idea of a romantic honeymoon is repelling and bouldering their way up Mt. Kilimanjaro, followed by a quick snowboard run through the Swiss Alps on their way back to the States. This couple usually resides in one of the following cities: Boulder, CO | Portland, OR | Seattle, WA | San Francisco, CA. If this couple resides in a city outside of one of these, it is usually assumed that they are on a temporary non-granola sabbatical in which they participate in inane activities like showering, eating un-whole foods, and being within a 5-mile radius of Starbucks. This couple can be the hardest to spot because you may be enamored with their apparent sense of adventure. Don’t be fooled. Difficulty to spot: 6
5. The Online Church Couple (bonus)
This is a fairly recent development in the Christian couple community, considering how new online church is. Meeting this couple feels shady, even if it isn’t. Questions that may flood your mind when you meet the OCC: “Did you meet in a prayer chat room?” “Did you meet in person before the wedding?” “Did you get married in Second Life, or is this legitimate?” “Did you click a button that said ‘I do’ at your wedding, or did you actually say the words out loud?” This couple is one of the easiest to spot (if you can break into their fortress) because they hand out iPads at their front door for other couples to communicate with when they come over for dinner. Their idea of “game night” is syncing their home LAN and getting after it. This Christian couple makes up the smallest percentage of Christian couples but attributes the most to Christian stereotypes. They’re like the relational version of the 20/80 tithe theory. Difficulty to spot: 3 (How can you spot them if they never leave their house?)
Those are the Christian couples we’ve spotted in our short time of marriage. What couples have you run into?
(For more awesome stuff from Kyle, check out his blog, Our Marriage Project)
