#1055. Praying for Your Future Spouse

(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from SCL favorite John Crist.  He is a brilliant writer and standup comedian.  If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how.)

Praying for Your Future Spouse – by John Crist

My dad was always trying to prepare me for life. He was always trying to teach me skills I would need to survive in the real world.

“John, help me carry this washer up the stairs!”

“Dad, I’m six!”

I remember one time when my dad was out in the garage working on the car. He yelled, “John! Go get the Phillips!” I came back with the neighbors.

God bless him. My dad did his best to train me how to survive in the 21st century. Little did he know that no one actually uses tools anymore. If he wanted to teach me some valuable life skills, he should have taught me how to use twitter hashtags or something.

Somewhere along the line, my dad taught me to pray for my future spouse. Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure I was praying for my future wife before I even liked girls. “God, I pray that my future wife will hopefully not be interested in kissing.” My, how things have changed.

I’ve prayed many a prayer for my future wife, and I’ve learned some things along the way. Jesus taught us how to pray in the Bible, and here’s how not to pray.

Regarding future spouse prayers, here are some things that are hard to ask for in Jesus’ Name.

That she hasn’t dated any of my friends, roommates, brothers or anyone from the cast of Jersey Shore.
I say this should be a fair request. Wait, that’s not God’s heart of unconditional love? Fine. Agree to disagree. But no fist pumps God, please.

That she follows the Dave Ramsey plan.
If I ever walk up to a girl and say, “How YOU doing?” (insert Joey from Friends voice here), and she responds, “Better than I deserve,” then my next question will be, “Will you marry me?”

That she has a nice butt.
Wait, we should be able to ask God for this right? No? That’s superficial? Oh. What about a healthy habit of gym attendance? Still no? Ok.

That she remain sheltered, innocent, and pure while I spend my 20s making a disaster of my life.
Like I said, I’d like her to go to the gym, but not a gym where other guys can look at her of course. Just a private gym where she can workout, think about her future husband (me), wear a burka, and not be harassed by a guy in a cutoff Jagermeister shirt.

That she’s never heard of Josh Harris.
Although I do subscribe to the ideas in his most recent book, I Kissed Dating Girls Who Live In My Apartment Complex Goodbye. Christian or not, that’s actually pretty sound advice.

That her favorite song is Michael Jackson’s “Will You Be There.”
“God I know you have my best in mind. P.S. my best is actually 5’10″, Southern Baptist, Premillenialist, knows what a Jesus Juke is, wouldn’t mind splitting a Totinos pizza, enjoys wearing heels for special occasions, wants 10 kids, and likes but doesn’t love Rob Bell. Amen.”

That she won’t make me get a job.
“Baby, its gonna me and you living in my uncle’s basement for a while. Me, you and Uncle Lenny…a cord of three strands is not easily broken.”

God said we could ask for anything in His name right?

Does anyone else pray for his or her future spouse?

(John Crist loves Jesus and is a standup comic from Denver, Colorado. See his standup and church sketches at youtube.com/user/johnbcrist)