#1037. Comparing going to church to going to the dentist.

(It’s guest post Friday! Here’s one from Sammy Adebiyi, a college pastor from Nigeria, currently living in Ohio and working with the Mocha Club and the Vineyard Church of Toledo. If you want to write a guest post for SCL, here’s how.)

Comparing going to church to going to the dentist. – by Sammy Adebiyi

I had to go to the dentist recently. And being in that office made me wonder about the similarities between going to the dentist and going to church. Specifically, I thought:

If I were a pastor and my dentist ever came to my church, I would…

Make the church secretary stop him in the lobby and ask him how long it’s been since he’s been at a church. If it’s been a while, I’d make him fill out a really, really long detailed form about all his family’s history of sins, struggles, shame and addictions. I’d let him know this was standard procedure, and we might need to even do some X-rays to complete our soul records unless another church could send them to us.

Then I’d make him wait 30 minutes for me by sitting on a very uncomfortable chair in a tiny room filled with pictures of depressed looking people while our youth intern probes his soul by asking him questions like:

“How many times do you pray a day?”

“Do you EVER read your Bible?”

“King James Version, The Message, or original Hebrew manuscript?”

“Why don’t you take the next few minutes and show me exactly how you pray?”

A little while later, I’d sneak into the back of the room and start whispering to the intern, loud enough for him to know we’re talking about him, quiet enough for him to get curiously anxious because he can’t clearly hear us, and “clergy mumbo jumbo” enough for him to get confused and terrified.

“Really?”

“What about the eschatology of his exegetical hermeneutics?” *whisper*

“Whoa! I haven’t seen this since Nebuchadnezzer did you know what…”

Then I’d walk over to him with a huge smile on my face and say something like…

“Let’s see what we got here. Hi. I’m pastor Sammy. Why don’t you lean back and try to relax while I try to find out about anything you’ve done that my intern might have missed.

And, oh yeah, if at any point you feel any guilt and shame, just raise your right hand, and I’ll stop drilling into your background. So, you go to the country club often?”

After a few more minutes, I’d look over to him and say…

“Well sir, things look really good on the outside. Nice job. Nice car. Nice guy. But on the inside? Not so much.”

“How bad?”

“Well, as far as I can tell you have NINE sins that need immediate attention. Two of them are not super deep, but if the other 7, if not taken care of, have the potential to ultimately alter how and where you spend eternity. By the way, we also have about four other potential sins that we are watching, but I guess that depends on whether or not you don’t wait another two years before coming to church again.”

‘Well, it’s been great seeing you. The intern will come back in and finish up with you. He’ll have the mandatory offering plate and tithe envelopes for you. He’ll also help you schedule 3 more of these terrifying nightmare appointments so we can work on that soul of yours.”

On his way out, as a token of our appreciation, the reception will hand him a free colorful picture Bible, courtesy of our church. He’d get to pick the color of his choice, of course. And maybe even a little travel size Bible for when he’s at a hotel and forgets to bring one.

On second thought, maybe I’m glad church isn’t exactly like the dentist. Praying is hard sometimes but it’s nowhere near as difficult as flossing regularly.

(For more great stuff from Sammy, check out his blog: How much does God weigh?)