#974. Mysterious church services.

One of my favorite scenes in the movie “Best in Show” is when the two yuppie characters explain how they met. They say, “We met at Starbucks. Not at the same Starbucks but we saw each other at different Starbucks across the street from each other.”

That’s funny because it’s true. There are approximately 9 million Starbucks locations. There are two on every corner. Another way to say it is that there are as many Starbucks as there are churches in the south.

Growing up in Massachusetts I didn’t have any idea that the South was hogging all the churches. (If you’re reading this post from Switzerland and need a point of reference, I’d say there are as many churches as there are people who sell bratwurst on the streets of Zurich. Geographical shout out!)

If you don’t like the church you’re attending in Atlanta for instance, you don’t have to “church hop,” you can kind of just “church fall down.” By the time you walk out of your old church and fall the five or six feet your body would travel like a chopped down tree you’ll probably land in the lobby of another one.

I don’t think that’s a bad thing, I think that’s a great thing. But it is funny because if you drive around a city like Nashville you see a whole host of different types of services. And some of them are so creative they’re bordering on “mysterious.” Here are three real services I saw on signs during a recent jaunt through the music city.

1. Casual Service.

This one is low on the mystery scale, but it does offer more ambiguity than say a “Contemporary Service.” (Which means lasers, no hymns and you can wear jeans.) What does a casual service entail? I feel like there are probably sweat pants involved and maybe bean bag chairs. At least one person on stage is going to have an unkempt goatee and possibly refer to the whole thing as a “Laid back liturgy.” I’m guessing this service occurs on the first floor of buildings without windows. A guy named Eutychus fell asleep in the very first “casual service” and fell out a three-story window to his death in Acts 20. Something to keep in mind. No on windows. Yes on sweatpants.

2. The Jazz Service.

Miles Davis. John Coltrane. Louis Armstrong. Dark rooms. Disinterested waitresses. Smoke from hand rolled cigarettes. There, I just exhausted everything I know about Jazz. Wait, “jazz hands.” Forgot that one. What’s a “jazz service” like? This one is a little higher up on the mystery scale. Like jazz music, do you have to pretend you understand it and like it more than you really do? Because that’s what I did when I was in college. I hosted a radio show on a jazz station, which I knew nothing about. So at 5AM before anyone was listening, I would just play rap and Counting Crows. Is the service like that at all? So many questions.

3. Narthex

My first thought when I saw a sign for this service was, “Before taking Narthex osteoporosis medicine, check with your doctor because in rare cases it has been known to cause small colds or instant death.” But it’s not a medicine, it’s part of a building and apparently also a church service. And as I spent a little time in this mystery I thought to myself, “I really hope this service some how involves a Narwhal.” Do you ever forgot those things exist? Sometimes I do, and then I remember and I’m pretty happy. The unicorn of the sea. God’s favorite practical joke. The only animal that might better prove God’s creativity than the platypus. Is there any way that when you step inside the Narthex there’s a big aquarium where a Narwhal floats around perhaps doing a choreographed routine to Blessed Be Your Name? Is that too much to ask?

Chances are, you probably don’t get to sit in bean bag chairs or listen to Miles Davis or frolic with a Narwhal at any of those services. That’s OK, but you have to admit, it’s fun to see a mysterious church service and think, “just maybe, just maybe, there is a mythical but yet oddly real sea creature inside that church right this second.”

What types of services does your church offer?