#934. Raising kids who get the Bible stories all crazy.

A few years ago, when we lived in Atlanta, my oldest daughter said something about a Bible story that caught me off guard.

We were driving down the highway, something you do in Atlanta 47% of the time you live there, and she started singing a Bible song. “Oh,” I thought, “a Bible song. That’s adorable. I’m pretty sure an angel gets a skateboard when a four year old sings a Bible song.”

Then she started in on a new song and I knew I was a horrible parent. Here is what she sang,

“IKEA was a wee little man, and a wee little man was he.”

Oh Sneigletrun! (That’s a swear in Swedish or it’s the name of a lamp at IKEA, hard to be certain.) Instead of saying “Zacchaeus,” my daughter was substituting in the ultra modern, ultra cheap furniture manufacturer. It makes sense though. IKEA has cinnamon rolls the size of a Frisbee. Church has goldfish. To a four year old who based her opinion on quality of treats, it’s easy to see why she got the lyrics wrong.

Fast forward to last Sunday. L.E. is reading the Chronicles of Narnia and tells me about the witch offering someone an apple. Feeling like I’m a way better parent now and we’ve moved beyond the “IKEA Syndrome,” I ask my kids what other story they know about that involves an apple. McRae, my 5 year old instantly yells, “I know! I know!”

I think, “Perfect, we’re about to talk about Adam and Eve and the book of Genesis!” I ask McRae, “What other story has an apple in it?”

She smiles and replies, “Snow white.”

Tell me I’m not the most horrible Christian parent ever. Has something like that ever happened to you?