Last weekend, my wife and I went to Nashville. It was a lovely time full of loveliness and lovely sights that we loved. But, on the way back to Atlanta, we almost got run off the road.
Out of nowhere, a powerful, possibly haunted, vehicle stormed up behind me. I shifted over into the right lane with my cat like reflexes and let them pass on the left. Despite the 85MPH blur that drove by me, I was able to identify the most dangerous vehicle on the road …
The church youth group van.
If you’ve ever attended church for any extended period of time, you know this is true. There is no deadlier automobile you will face on the highway. There is no other teen packed, cheap gasoline fueled, beef jerkied horseless carriage that should scare you like this one.
And since it’s “church youth group van” season, with mission trips and retreats, I think we should discuss the 5 most deadly aspects of these vehicles:
5 Reasons to Avoid Church Youth Group Vans
1. Drivers who bleed Red Bull.
There is a 97% chance that the driver of the van you see on the highway got 2.4 hours of sleep last night. And now he’s barreling down the highway, supported in large part by a cocktail of Red Bull, 5 hour energy drink and corn nuts.
2. The Pee Jar
Youth group vans hate to stop for bathroom breaks because the students tend to scatter like wild cats at rest stops. So instead, on some trips, leaders will employ a pee jar or pee bag. I am not making this up. Trust me, as a general rule of smart living, always avoid a vehicle that is transporting it’s own urine in a poorly sealed container.
3. Break downs
If I owned a youth group van, I would take off the hood in order to save me the time of constantly opening it to see which part of the engine had failed this time. Youth group vehicles break down more often than “relationships” from the television show “The Bachelor.” Don’t drive close to a youth group van. At any given time they are about 4 minutes away from blowing a tire or a piston.
Last weekend, a different youth group van passed us with a sign in the window that we were supposed to read. My wife thought it said something about Stuff Christians Like because we have an SCL sticker on our car. I was unable to verify that because I know the first rule of youth group signs is, “There is no youth group sign.” Never read one. Youth group vans can smell attention like pit bulls can smell fear. If you engage them by reading the sign, you’ve just entered into a highway-based labyrinth of interaction you may never leave my friend.
5. The Cool Van Dynamic
I don’t know if “waves of angst” can wreck your car, but if they can, beware. As we’ve said before, there are two types of vans in youth group: the cool kid van and the dorky kid van. The cool kid van will be full of the most popular kids, including the dude with the acoustic guitar. They’ll all be trying to impress each other too, which means one of them might throw something at your car. Like a pee jar. The dorky kid van is less dangerous but it will smell like teen spirit and Frank Miller comics and world of warcraft and I’d probably be on it. The sheer amount of angst emanating from the dorky kid van could force you off the road. You would literally hydroplane on the angst.
Those are the five reasons I avoid youth group vans like I avoid peanut butter Twix. (They are like Twix’ disgusting cousin who probably cooks meth in the shed behind normal Twix’ big house.)
How about you?
Got a youth group van story?