816. Predicting the end of the world too often.

“What sort of aquatic hell hound is this?”

That was my first thought when I played go fish with my kids and this spawn of satan popped up. Look at it. It’s got a horse’s head, a dolphin’s flippers and Prince’s hair from the Purple Rain video.

It’s horrifying. It’s hideous. That isn’t a sunset in the background, that’s blood from the people it undoubtedly murdered much like the sharks in what was LL Cool J’s best fish based films, “Deep Blue Sea.”

It might just be the fourth horseman of the apocalypse.

I realized recently that I’ve been throwing the “here comes the end of the world” card a little too often. Sometimes I say, “and so begins the apocalypse,” and sometimes I literally call things, “the fourth horseman.” But I’ve been doing it too much. I need to confess some recent occurrences and move on from dropping the Armageddon card.

Things I thought might have heralded the end of ages.

1. The Situation from the Jersey Shore writing a self-help book.

If the cover of this book isn’t ribbed with fake abs and doesn’t smell slightly like a potpourri of red bull and Axe body spray and poor choices, I am going to be very disappointed. This probably doesn’t mark the end of the world, just the end of self-help books.

2. Burger King Ribs and the KFC Meat Accordion

I can’t believe that Burger King is selling ribs. After living in the south for the last 6 years I am convinced God eats barbecue. And he’s pretty upset right now. As far as the KFC Double Down, which is a breadless double chicken meat fist, I really thought that might have been the end of it all.

3. 82% of the shows on the “E” channel.

At this point, their shows sound like the fake shows you see Homer Simpson watch when he’s drinking beer on the couch of a funny Simpsons Episode. (Monorail is best episode ever. No arguing that, it’s true.) I recently saw that one of E’s stars sold her own dirty tape and then proceeded to cry about how someone else had leaked it. That celebrities are leaking their own sex tapes as a way to get more famous is a crazy reflection of our culture.

4. Belly button photo shopping.

What? Exactly. Some magazines have started to photoshop smaller belly buttons on ladies. Some are completely removing them. GQ recently graphically removed Lohan’s and I imagine we’ll see more people do it. Don’t get me wrong, I had plastic surgery on my nose to repair it after a wicked rad skateboard accident. (I couldn’t breathe through my nose after crashing my Santa Cruz Rob Roskopp board.) I know all about cosmetic changes. But I fear living in a society that is so externally focused that we try to remove belly buttons.

5. Lady Gaga vs. the Westboro Baptist Church

This has final battle written all over it. The Westboro Baptist Church, infamous for protesting military funerals and penning the song “God Hates the World,” has gotten into a bit of a tussle with Lady Gaga. The other day she wrote a note to her “little monster fans” about the incident. There are literally “monsters” referenced. That’s some hardcore end of the world right there.

6. The iPhone

Sometimes, the iPhone is so smart about what I like and where I am on the planet that my wife will lean over and quietly whisper, “Mark of the Beast, Mark of the Beast.” I don’t think that’s necessarily true, but if Apple released a really slick looking bar code you could get implanted on your neck and called it the “iSkin,” I would be tempted to buy it.

Those are the six most recent times I have invoked the “oh boy, here comes the end of the world.”

Am I the only one that does this?

Have you ever?

What caused you to say it? What did you think was the fourth horsemen?