#761. Avoiding door to door witnessing as if it were the plague.

(Ben Meredith is no stranger to the guest post. It is not something he avoids, like door to door witnessing. Which lots of people avoid like the plague, constantly finding reasons not to attend outreach events. In this post Ben muses that we treat door to door witnessing like some strange avian-swine disease. Enjoy.)

I never even saw it coming until it was too late.

Pastor Dave didn’t realize how well his voice carried when he was talking while dipping his second fork-full of tater-tots during the potluck after second service last weekend. But sure enough, he did the single most unsanitary thing he could have done. Sneeze in the casserole? Cough directly on the spoon for the mashed potatoes? Nope, what he did was far worse. He mentioned the exact time of the door-to-door witnessing next Saturday after the softball game.

We’re in for an outbreak of H8-2B1 virus (commonly known as Avian-Swine Syndrome) the likes of which this town hasn’t seen since Dusty McNabb shared the details 3 days early of the Outreach Committee’s first-annual “PrayerCareShare” event back in 2006. Things were going well until she said that we’d be given an opportunity on the spot to share the gospel with our friends, effectively sneezing into our open mouths.

What’d she expect? Doesn’t she know that it’d be better to have everyone drink out of the same communion cup like the Episcopal church on the corner of Main and Traditional does than to spread infectious information like when we are going to share our faith? It’s the equivalent of licking the bathroom door handle! We’re guaranteed to come down with something that day!

Pastor Dave tried to immediately sanitize the situation by claiming the outreach committee hadn’t nailed down the plan exactly. But it was too late. No amount of Lysol or Clorox can help once the AS Syndrome virus goes airborne like that.

He might as well have forgotten to cook the chicken casserole or left the mayo out for a day or two. The softball team is just one win out of first place, but now that we’ll most likely be playing with just a pitcher (Pastor Josiah) and 2 out of 4 outfielders who have been inoculated by being on the outreach committee, things aren’t looking good.

On the bright side, this won’t be nearly like the AS Syndrome outbreak over at Shekina Tabernacle last month. The rookie pastor there printed in the bulletin the details of the week-long evangelistic push called the “Gospel Gauntlet.” The whole church was laid up out of work for the entire week. Instead of “Throwing Down the Gauntlet” like the promotional website said, they were “Throwing Up the Chicken Broth” from a debilitating case of AS Syndrome.

So, without sacrificing your Tuesday nights to join the outreach committee, what’s the best way to prevent the spread of the H8-2B1 virus? The CDC has released these three helpful tips.

Never Share about Sharing – To be safe, it’s best to not warn any would-be participants of an impending outreach until within 5 minutes of the start time. And even then, clergy and event organizers should take care to avoid taking a break of any type between the announcement of the outreach and the outreach itself. The most virulent strains of H8-2B1 have to do with any type of direct initiative evangelism, but you should never underestimate the announcement of even a simple canned food drive. Even knowledge of seemingly innocent and easy methods of sharing God’s love has been known to spread the disease. Additionally, consider always “piggybacking” outreaches onto extremely unpopular events like board meetings, budget discussions, and evangelism training times. Initial research has show that the more people involved, the higher potential for a spread of the disease.

Avoid Technology — The last thing you want is some teenager from the youth group finding out via the website the details of an outreach. Teens, with their twitting and bookfacing have a propensity to spread potentially infectious information faster than Usain Bolt in a relay race. To be safe, use only pencil and paper during outreach committee meetings, and burn all notes immediately at the conclusion of the meeting. Additionally, avoid the use of cameras, phones, non-tinted windows, or rooms with whiteboards during these meetings. If at all possible, hold these meetings in a lead-coated room that blocks mobile phone signal.

Avoid Evangelism – The most successful way to ensure a healthy church is to avoid evangelism until further notice. The CDC is evaluating possible alternatives, but the H8-2B1 virus has been shown to thrive in environments where leaders are encouraging steps of faith. Other things to avoid: raising funds, public speaking, and honest accountability. Encouraging any of these activities could lead to an acute H8-2B1 outbreak.

Pastor Dave told me yesterday that the outreach is still on. But I am already feeling a little lightheaded and nauseous. I doubt I’ll even be able to make it to the softball game.

What’s something at church you avoid like the plague?

(For more great stuff from Ben, check out his blog.)