#752. The fictional family your family compared you to.

“There are lots of other families who don’t even have televisions.”

I heard my wife say that to our four year old the other day and instantly thought to myself, “there’s a post.” Actually the first thing I did was put on a Bill Cosby sweater that kind of looked like a bowl of vegetable stew went to a Latin dance club where the colorful pastels of Gloria Estefan were in full effect. I then sat McRae down and gave her some dad wisdom and then sent her on her way with a stick of licorice.

I think that’s exactly how it happened but I might be wrong.

What I’m right about is that most good Christian families will create a fictional family to compare yours too. This might be something every family does, but the extra layer of spirituality we Christians add makes it unique.

But maybe you didn’t grow up in a home where you were regularly compared to a fictional family that felt at times to be comprised of superhumans sired by Jor-El on the planet Krypton.

If that’s the case, here are a few things to remember about the fictional family that was more awesomer than yours.

Chores

The fictional family is constantly doing chores or charity work. Preferably in the rain. Cheerfully, I might add. This is inevitably happening at the same exact time you are watching television on the couch. (The fictional family always lives next door to a widow they play checkers with and whose leaves they rake/lawn they mow.)

Electronics

The fictional family doesn’t have cable. Or televisions. They might not even have electronics of any variety if you ever complain when the power is out. They read by candle light, and love it.

Homework

Their homework is done. I don’t care what time it is right now, their homework is done and you know what? Their mom didn’t even have to ask them to do it. (They are constantly doing kind things unprovoked.)

Hitting their siblings

Are you kidding me? Never. They would never do this. But if they did, they’d work it out amongst themselves without tattling to their parents.

Food

They love beets. They absolutely eat them up like they were candy. Only they don’t eat candy. That was just a poorly worded reference. They eat everything on their plate or your parents might go the exact opposite direction and say the fictional family is really hungry. The fictional family might wish they had food as good as yours.

Talking back

They don’t do this, but if they did, they’d soap themselves. Or they’d pour a shot glass of “sass juice” (vinegar) and administer it themselves. (This used to do the trick at the Acuff house until my kids started eating salt and vinegar Pringles. Now if you suggest vinegar they treat it like it’s a shot and say, “Pour me a double, let’s do this thing!” It’s like Coyote Ugly in our kitchen. Bad scene.)

Going to bed

They go without question. They’ve never said the words, “but this show is almost over mom.” They love bed. They practically skip and dance on their way.

If your parents never created a fictional family like this to keep you in line then congrats, you had it easy my friend. But if they did, let’s have it. What superman-ish accomplishments were they also capable of? Good grades? Brushing their teeth?

Let’s hear about your fictional family.