#755. Skipping church. (The definitive rules.)

I want to be honest with you.

Sometimes I exaggerate the illnesses of my children so that we can’t attend church. There I said it. I feel better. Andy Stanley, doesn’t read this site so I’m OK. He’ll never know.

But sometimes, I do the exact opposite and try to heal my kids of any Sunday morning sickness they have so that we can make sure not to miss church.

How do I decide which step to take when I see a runny nose? Much like Roxette, I listen to my heart. That doesn’t work all the time though so I thought it might be helpful if I wrote the definitive rules when it comes to skipping church. Feel free to forward these to your pastor or print them in the bulletin for your ministers.

Skipping Church Rules

1. If you want to skip cause you got even a whiff of a guest speaker, you better go.

2. If you want to skip because the minister is too young to be taken seriously, you better go.

3. If there’s been a time change, and you moved your clock back, you should be early. Don’t skip

4. If there’s been a time change, and you moved your clock ahead, it might be OK for you to skip.

5. If there’s been a time change, of the Quantum Leap variety, and you really hope this next leap is your leap home, go to church.

6. If you skip because you’re too sick but then go do something within the same hour you’re in trouble.

7. If your kid has a cold, don’t skip.

8. If your kid needs stitches, skip.

9. If you’re out of town on vacation at the beach, skip.

10. If you’re out of town on vacation in the mountains, don’t skip. (For some reason, a woodsy vacation feels more “churchy.”)

11. If you’re taking a “staycation” where you don’t go to work but just stay home, don’t skip.

12. If you have guests staying over that want to go to church, but you “don’t want to bother them,” you better attend church.

13. If you’ve judged me at any point during this list as if I am actually suggesting you skip church, don’t skip church. You need to work on that judgment. I’ll pray for you.

14. If your kid joins a Sunday soccer league and every Saturday night you feign surprise that you won’t be able to attend church, you better find one with a night service.

15. If you get a flat tire but are able to get the spare on, go to church.

16. If you get a flat tire but decide to kick the spare down a small rocky embankment into a crick so you don’t have to go to church, really? Who is your pastor? That guy must be horrible.

17. If you get sucked into a Jersey Shore marathon, don’t skip.

18. If you get sucked into a Touched by the Angel marathon, ohhh tough one. Too close to call.

19. If you’re the pastor and you’re preaching, don’t skip.

20. It’s Easter. What? Are you serious? You should have skipped right over this one the second you saw the capital E.

21. If the sermon series makes you uncomfortable because it hits so close to home, you should go.

22. If the sermon series makes you uncomfortable because you’re actually mentioned by name in it, “Don’t be like Scott Jacobs. A 3 part look at jerks.” Skip that Sunday.

I think some readers’ scroll bars broke last week with the youth minister post, so I’ll spare you another 100 point list.

What ridiculous excuses did I forget to add?

What legit reasons not to attend did I miss?

(I better see you at church this Sunday.)