#742. Hatin’ on Christian Movies.

Next to Frisbee and breaking up with someone we’re dating after a church retreat, I think making fun of the movie “Facing the Giants” might be one of our favorite hobbies.

I was reminded of this a few weeks ago when I tweeted the following:

“Christian movies are often like the reverse of country songs. The guy gets his wife back, his dog back and his truck back.”

Because the main character in Facing the Giants (FTG) gets his truck back, people assumed I was talking about that movie. I wasn’t. I wrote “truck” because it fit the joke. I’ve never heard a country song where the singer says, “I’m in love with my big sedan.” Truck was the right word there.

But people assumed I was talking about FTG in part because we hate us some Christian movies. And I’ve probably made fun of them more than you in my history of trying to be a Christian hipster.

Now there’s a new one out called “Letters to God.” I haven’t seen it, but if it’s not careful, I can tell you the problems people might have with it.

1. Christian movies always resolve.

This is one of the biggest complaints of Christian movies. No matter how hard the challenges or obstacles, everything works out in the end. The good guys win the football game. The barren wife gets pregnant. The cancer disappears. And since life and God often don’t work that way, folks get bummed out. But the truth is, for all my moaning about neatly tied movies, I don’t like films that end uber realistically. Case in point, George Clooney’s “Up in the Air.” (Spoiler alert, stop reading if you haven’t seen the movie.) That movie ends with him discovering his love interest already has a husband and kids, a lady kills herself, and his co-worker quits the company leaving George alone with only the road and the empty sky to keep him company. Fun! I felt like maybe his dog should have been hit by a car in the final scene of the film. It was more depressing than “The Cure’s Greatest Hits.” Sometimes I like a little resolution.

2. Christian movies have the worst production values.

I’ll admit, you don’t go to a Christian movie for the special effects, but dang, it’s expensive to film movies. That minute long clip Zondervan made for the Stuff Christians Like book? It cost $340,000 to make. Not really, but films are an expensive art. The thing that kills me though about my judgmental heart is that I know if some Christian movie came out and it was made with a $10 million budget with huge effects, there’d be part of me that thought, “Could have fed a lot of starving children with that movie budget. Did we really need a CGI Goliath?” This one is lose-lose for Christian directors.

3. Christian movies are cheesy.

Agreed. Some of them are. Some of them are like rainbows deep-fried in happiness, served next to a basket of fries carved from sunshine. And I’m not defending that. But if I am being honest, just like in the post about being a Christian culture snob, I give so many other things that are cheesy in my life a free pass. I bought the double DVD pack for Vin Diesel’s “Pitch Black” and “Chronicles of Riddick.” Let me write that sentence again because I don’t think you heard it, I bought the double DVD pack for Vin Diesel’s “Pitch Black” and “Chronicles of Riddick.” I also downloaded Nick Lachey’s “Can’t Hate You Anymore” and used to sing it at the top of my lungs pretending I had just been dumped by Jessica Simpson and was standing in the middle of the ocean with a wet shirt and a heart that was heavy with love lost. I am cheesy. Sometimes Christian movies are too. That’s OK.

4. Christian movies all have Kirk Cameron in them.

Not true. In the same way that Crispin Glover (George McFly) wasn’t actually in Back to the Future 2 and they just used a body double and stock footage, Kirk Cameron wasn’t in 10 of the 11 Christian movies you see him in. Just kidding, the Back to the Future thing is true, but Cameron has appeared in a few Christian movies. He’s not in everyone though. Let’s not exaggerate.

I’m sure there are lots of other complaints about Christian movies. Some of them might be true and some might be stretched a little, but I’m tired of beating on them. I want to support and encourage people that create art that falls within the Christian realm. I think we should be able to critique them without being instantly labeled a non supportive heathen, but Christianity’s complete confusion of the words “judgment” and “critique” is another post for another day.

What would you like to see happen in a Christian movie?

Have you ever seen a Christian movie?

If we got the chance to make one, what would it be about?