733. Pastor’s Kids Gone Wild

My four year old, McRae, is at that age where she’s like living with a director’s commentary on a DVD. She narrates everything that happens to her in real time. Like John Cusack telling you what was going on in his mind during that famous boombox scene in “Say Anything” on the bonus commentary, she is constantly providing dialog for what’s happening.

“That girl needs to be wearing a bike helmet.”

“That dog is shiny and small.”

“I swallowed all my bad dreams.”

That last one felt a little like a lyric from an emo song, but for the most part the things she says are really funny. For instance, the other day, after discussing how we couldn’t get a cat in part because my wife is allergic, Crae scrunched her face and then proudly announced a solution, “We can get a cat when mom dies.” Touching? Maybe not. Accurate? Without a doubt.

I love hearing what my kids have to say, but I do regret one thing about their childhood – they’re not pastor’s kids.

Unless you’ve been a pastor kid, that won’t make sense, but as far as my experience goes, it was pretty awesome. Sure, the occasional elder ratted you out but for the most part, it’s a lot of fun.

You’re kind of famous on Sunday mornings. You know where all the free food is in the church. And you grow up with more prayer than you can possibly imagine. And, at the bare minimum, you’ve got a really interested fact for your background in case you ever became famous and or wild.

Christians are fascinated by pastor’s kids gone wild. I love that in the midst of hearing a song on the radio or watching a movie, someone will lean over and whisper, “You know that guy? He’s a pastor’s kid.” Then they’ll shake their head with disappointment as if the God didn’t “take” with that one.

But what does a really good pastor’s kid gone wild look like? Simple …

Pop Princess Katy Perry.

Why choose her? Well, she has all the classic signs of a pastor’s kid gone wild:

1. Gospel Start

To really qualify for the official title of “pastor’s kid gone wild” you have to at least dipped your toe into the Christian mainstream. You must release a gospel album or be in an episode of McGee and Me. Katy has that covered. At the age of 16 she released a Christian album under the name “Katy Hudson.” Here are some lyrics from one of her songs: “For He’ll prevail”

In the midst of all my trials and tribulations

And He’ll prevail

In the midst of all my sin and temptations

2. Controversial New Life

Arsenio Hall, the actor and former late night host, is a pastor’s kid, but I’m not sure if he counts. I feel like what you produce has to be more worldly and wild than just a talk show. Perry has that covered. The song that vaulted her to pop success? “I kissed a girl.” Yahtzee! She had so much funk in her career change that ABC was able to write this sentence about her: “Fans who loved the Katy who billed herself as the God-loving daughter of two pastors aren’t pleased with her new image: Hip-shaking, lingerie-wearing, pseudo-lesbian pop star.” (I love that “hip-shaking” is one of the things Christians aren’t supposed to be happy about. Have you ever said to yourself, “Man, now that I’m a Christian, my hip-shaking days are behind me. No pun intended!” For the record, I am pro lingerie wearing and or hip shaking.)

3. Wild Love Interest

You’ve got to have a crazy boyfriend or off the wall wife if you really want to do the whole “pastor’ kid gone wild” thing right. Once again, Katy doesn’t let us down. She’s engaged to Russell Brand, a brilliant but insanely vulgar comedian, who once got fired from a television station for showing up to work the day after September 11th dressed as Osama Bin Laden. Go ahead and read that last sentence again, it is not small.

4. No U-turn Books

Apparently, Franklin Graham, the son of Billy, used to be a bit of a hellion himself. But then he cleaned up his act and wrote a book about how he used to be the prodigal son. That’s great, but that sort of thing instantly disqualifies him from participating in this list. That I’m aware of, Katy has no such book planned.

I like Katy Perry. I think she writes infectious pop songs and is talented and didn’t write this in the hopes that we’d bash her. I just think the fascination with pastor’s kids is sometimes silly. (And to tell you the truth, comedian Daniel Tosh is the world’s #1 pastor’s kid gone wild. It’s true. Here’s something he said once, ”Money doesn’t buy happiness.” Uh, do you live in America? ‘Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can’t! They’re so awesome, it’s just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier.”)

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a secret pastor’s kids meeting with Alice Cooper and Arsenio Hall. Turns out some deacon’s kids are trying to call themselves “DKs” and that’s just plain ridiculous. Something will need to be done.

Did your church have a pastor’s kid gone wild?