#736. Having Job Titles that No One Understands

(A few months ago, Michael Kelly did the near impossible. He wrote a post about the prosperity ministry without causing a street fight. Seriously, it was a thing of beauty. You should read it right here. And today, he’s back with another great post. Enjoy.)

Do you find yourself in a church where the job titles are too self-explanatory? Are you bored with the common language of “pastor” and “music minister”? Do you want to move into the future of mystic and important sounding job titles that no one understands? Welcome, then, to your Stuff Christians Like primer for how to construct a job title that will sound very important and yet be ambiguous enough that no one can really pin down what the job’s responsibilities are.

This step-by-step guide will help you transition to the future – a world where no one knows what anyone else does, and where websites are as clear as gazing into a crystal ball.

Ready to begin? Let’s get started on our journey into spiritual job titles.

Old Job Title: Pastor

To find a more future-oriented job title, let’s start with the basic job of this guy. It’s to preach. But preaching is so 1980’s. Let’s leave that to the hair bands and not think of teaching the Bible as preaching, but instead like taking people on a journey. In that sense, the pastor is more of a navigator. Therefore, an inclusion of the word “journey,” “navigate,” or “guide” is pretty essential.

Suggested Variations:

Director of Spiritual Journeys

Church Navigator

Architect of Journey-Oriented Life Vision

Old Job Title: Music Minister

Sure, this person leads the singing. But we’ve moved way past that. In today’s high tech world, the person-formerly-known-as-music-minister has to do much more. Powerpoint slides, synchronizing various worship bands at video venues, lighting the right number of candles, knowing the right moment to close their eyes on stage – these responsibilities deserve more. Let’s begin with the liberal use of the word “experience” and then continue by throwing in some references to “creating.” What comes out is a far more magical sounding title than the old boring one.

Suggested Variations:

Gathering Experiences Crafter

Experiences Coordinator

Sensory Engagement Specialist

Old Job Title: Education Director

If ever there was a job title that needed an overhaul, surely it’s this one. There are many factors to consider in this one, since Sunday School is ridiculously outdated and this guy has to listen really closely to the Architect of Journey-Oriented Life Vision in order to prepare the questions for the community groups (or “journey groups,” or “life villages,” or “gathering points”). All of these things must be taken into consideration when constructing a new job title. Because you have alot to take into account, the number one rule for this job title is ambiguity. Make sure not to box this guy in, because he’s going to have to a bunch of stuff.

Suggested Variations:

Relational Initiating Director

Spiritual Formation Coordinator

Experience-Related Driver of Fellowship Gatherings

Old Job Title: Youth Minister

If your church wants to appeal to the younger generation, you’ve got to address this job title. The youth minister of today is competing with people like Jay-Z and Lady Gaga, so he’s got to have a comparatively cool image and title to put on his facebook page. Just a few years ago, it was enough for him to have a tribal tattoo and a sole patch, but now we’ve got to step it up. The future generations depend on it. Therefore, try to tap into the inherent teenage angst when choosing a job title. Also, you will want to try and make the youth minister more like a friend than an authority figure so that the kiddos will relate to him better.

Suggested Variations:

Spiritual Buddy

Relevance Consultant

Molder of Emerging Generations

Having settled the job titles, you can be sure that anyone who visits the website of the church will be sufficiently impressed by the forward-thinking nature of the church.

Good luck, and may your experiences enhance the journey of intimacy upon which the church leadership might craft and guide you.

(For more from Michael check out his blog right here.)