#705. Awkward Singles Events

Across the nation, with Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, churches are planning singles events. A potpourri of awesomeness wrapped in a tortilla shell of awkwardness, these events are almost too wondrous to behold. Though it’s been a few years I can still recall my last one.

I got stuck in the closet. Unlike R. Kelly, I was just trying to get my coat. Suddenly, a guy from another church blocked the doorway, effectively preventing me from leaving. I could still hear “safe enough for church” slow dance music playing in the background. Things looked dire, but fortunately, much like Kim Possible, I have a grab bag of karate moves and was able to back flip my way out of there.

But what about you, what happens if you’re single and you get stuck at an awkward singles event? How do you avoid going one? How do you recognize what might be awkward? Just look for the following signs:

1. A Weird Name

Your first clue that you’re about to enter crazytown is the name of the event. Keep your eyes out for names like “Single but not alone” or “1+1+God = love” or “True love waits … and dances!”

2. The DJ who hits on people

There are few things in life as awkward as a DJ that hits on the girls at the events he’s playing at. Have you ever been at a wedding where this happens? Brutal. It’s usually done through tricky lines like this, “Oh, you want me to play a request? I’ve got a request of my own, how about you save a dance for me little lady?” If you’re ever at an event where the DJ is actively and visibly hitting on passerbys, flee.

3. Mixed groups

I know singles ministers don’t think this way or say this out loud but I swear sometimes it seems like they “stock the pond” at their events. By that I mean they bring in other groups from outside your church to mix it up. You might not fall in love with one of the 15 people you see every Sunday but can you afford to pass up an event that combines single groups from three other churches in the metro area? Yes, yes you can.

4. The promise that it’s not going to be an weird dating event.

If one of the leaders says, “And this event won’t be some weird Christian version of speed dating,” then please know that’s exactly what it will be. If you hear this, stay home that night. You can watch one of the 46 episodes of Law & Order that will be on during the three-hour period you are home. (Just heard Stabler might be leaving SVU. I await his imminent arrival on CSI Cleveland.)

5. Faux drinks

There will no be liquor at the event. Look all you want, you’re not finding a keg of Doghead Fish 90 minute. Which is fine, just know this, the awkwardness of the evening is in direct correlation to the elaborateness of the faux drinks. If the bar offers things like “Long Island Nice Tea” move along.

6. At least one grumpy complainer

No singles event is complete without the guy who complains the entire time. Although apparently he’s forgotten that he had the option to not attend, he can’t help from criticizing the DJ, the drinks and the name of the event in a list format which is just a lazy way to avoid the work of writing whole paragraphs . He’s just a jerk and probably has a blog and if you see this guy … wait a second, I don’t like where this is going.

Despite point number 6, I stand by the belief that singles events can be weird sometimes. Maybe I’m wrong.

Have you ever gone to a weird singles event?