#714. The Obligatory Lost Sermon
There are two things you have to preach on each Spring, Easter and the television show Lost. If you skip the second one, I understand, not every church puts such a high premium on television and the what not. If you skip the first one, I hope you don’t get stuck on a fold out couch bed in hell. You know the one, with that bar in the middle of your back that just angrily jabs at you all night like a three year old with a whiffle ball bat? I promise you, hell is lousy with those things.
But maybe you were unaware of the need to experience an obligatory Lost sermon. Maybe you didn’t even know that was an option. And with the show in its final season, you’re lost as it were with how to properly judge the quality of a Lost sermon. It’s almost as if you need a Lost sermon scorecard.
The Lost Sermon Scorecard
1. Your pastor preaches a sermon about Lost. = + 1 point
2. Your pastor preaches a 3-part sermon series about Lost. = +2 points
3. Your pastor wears a “Sawyer Wig” and makes you call his wife “Juliet” while muttering, “I just want to get off this dang island,” during his 3-part sermon series about Lost. = +5 points
4. The title of the sermon is “Lost … & Found.” = +2 points
5. The pastor hides clues to the sermon in the bulletin, much like Bryan Allain hid Lost clues in his Christmas card. = +6 points
6. The sermon centers on trying to find out which character represents Jesus. = +2 points
7. The sermon relates Ben to Judas. = +2 points
8. The sermon compares the island to hell. = +3 points
9. The sermon compares the island to heaven. = +5 points
10. The sermon compares the island to purgatory. = + shout out to the Catholic readers
11. The smoke monster is analyzed as possibly being the holy spirit. = + 2 points
12. The church tries to recreate the smoke monster using the youth group’s smoke machine. = +10 points
13. The smoke machine goes awry, setting off the sprinkler system, causing mass confusion and forcing at least one choir member to yell, “Oh the humanity!” = – 5 points
14. Your church is horribly out of touch and rolls out a series this month based on “The Matrix.” = – 5 points
15. The character Locke is compared to satan. = + 1 point
16. The infamous number sequence that occurs throughout the show is tied to Bible verses. = + 3 points
17. In a hat nod to season 1, a Grand Pyrenees dog is dressed up like a polar bear. = + 1 point
18. A zoo employee attends your church and gets an actual polar bear for the sermon. = +10 points
19. The loud sound of your worship music freaks the polar bear out and it mauls three deacons. = – 15 points
20. The pastor lays out a very compelling, reasonable theory about what happened to the character, “Walt.” = +100 points
21. The ushers collect the offering while dressed as “the others.” = +3 points
22. Your pastor inexplicably tries to combine the Lost sermon series with the ubiquitous “Braveheart” sermon, creating a pop culture train wreck. = – 10 points
23. The guy next to you during the sermon says, “I wish this church focused more on the Bible. I want to be fed!” = – 10 points
24. The hatch is compared to our hardened hearts before the Lord blew them up and put his love in them. = +5 points
25. Not a single reference is made to Chris Seay’s great book, “The Gospel According to Lost
26. During the sermon, the pastor gives away a bajillion spoilers and ruins the season for folks who watch it on DVD after it airs. = – 5 points
27. The Dharma group is called “the church of the island” at least once. = +3 points
28. Instead of covering Lost, your pastor does a series on the show, “Eli Stone,” which lasted approximately 6.4 episodes. = – 2 points
29. The parallel universe, where people are back home, is related to what happens when we lie to people and wear masks about who we really are. = +2 points
30. Jacob is compared to God. = +1 point
31. Each character on the show is related to one of the original disciples during the sermon. (e.g. Doubting Thomas is Hurley.) = + 3 points
32. The “others” are compared to an out of control, power hungry pastoral search committee. = +3 points
How did any sermon you’ve ever heard score?
Here’s the breakdown:
0-10 Points = Lost Fail.
Seriously, that sermon wasn’t about Lost, it was lost. You should be ashamed of your church and better hope your pastor never does a sermon series on 30 Rock or he might wreck that too. For shame.
11-25 Points = Lost Season Three
You’ve recovered your Mojo. You’re not season 2, which had the sophomore slump, but you’re not the powerhouse season 1 either. You should feel good though.
26+ = Daniel Faraday Territory
Your pastor is some sort of super genius. Seriously, well played sir, well played indeed.
Did I miss any Lost trivia on the scorecard?
Can you think of a different way we could tie that show into church?
