“Yeah, we lost Michael Jackson, but we got Prince!”
A friend of mine who is a Jehovah’s Witness said that to me the other day. And he’s right. Prince is now a Jehovah’s Witness. (Tell me you wouldn’t ask him to sing the chorus to “When Doves Cry” if he ever came to your front door to witness?)
And although my friend was clearly joking, on our side of things, we Christians do like to wonder about famous people following the Lord.
“Can you imagine what would happen if INSERT CELEBRITY became a Christian? That would be so huge for the kingdom of God!”
I think we say this because we believe that if Justin Timberlake became a Christian then a bajillion people that like his music would also become Christians. Right away. Probably instantly at a concert. Jessica Biel too. It’d kind of be a package deal. (And it makes sense, other than naming his first album “Justified,” Timberlake has made very few mistakes. Let’s be honest, “Justincredible” would have been a worse name. I’m just saying.)
But maybe Justin Timberlake isn’t who you think from a celebrity perspective we should recruit. Maybe you’re thinking Brad Pitt or Kanye West. Fair enough, I mean you’re wrong on both accounts, but fair enough. It seems pretty clear to me, that when it comes to hoping a celebrity becomes a Christian there’s only one person we should be focusing on ….
I know, I know, he’s perfect and you wish you had thought of that. Suddenly you’re feeling kind of silly about the Brad Pitt pick. I understand. I forgive you, but let’s look at the specifics at why John Mayer is the perfect celebrity for Christianity.
1. He’s already got the tattoos.
Bottom line, Christians love tattoos. I’m almost positive that some of the sleeve of tattoos he has could be slightly edited to look Christian. And on his chest he’s got the number “77.” We add a third 7 to that and we’re looking at one powerful tattoo. Carlos Whittaker should be shaking in his sleeve length conversion of Paul as I type.
2. He’s almost done with money.
Every time we visit a really nice house, I ask if the owner is by chance a copywriter, much like myself. Thus far, the answer is a resounding “no!” But Mayer is rich. And even better, he’s almost tired of the money. Every celebrity that is rich enough, for long enough realizes money can’t buy happiness. It’s why Patriots quarterback Tom Brady wins multiple super bowls, marries a model and then says that he’s not content. It’s part of the reason celebrities start charities and care less about money the older they get. And although he’s young, John Mayer already has a watch collection worth $24 million. Yes, you read that correctly. You can’t tell me that Mayer hasn’t looked at those watches at least once and thought, “What am I doing with $24 million in watches? There has to be more to life than this.”
3. He’s funny.
“I like John Mayer the comedian, not John Mayer the musician.” More than one person has told me that and it’s true. He’s funny. Here’s something the Chicago Tribune reported recently: When a New York Magazine reporter, asked him about health care and the public option, he responded: “Have you ever heard me play guitar? I’m really (expletive) good. You know what I’m bad at? Answering questions about public health care.”
4. He gets that sometimes he looks like a jerk.
If you’re a good friend of John Mayer, when he calls you and says, “I’m going to pose on the cover of Rolling Stone frolicking in bed with my shirt off and talk a lot about masturbation, how’s that sound to you?” The correct response is, “Horrible.” And Mayer knows it. Here’s what he twittered after the article came out, “Just read my Rolling Stone cover article. I’m still not sure if I would want to hang out with me.”
5. He’s talented.
I don’t care if you hate John Mayer. It’s virtually impossible to deny that the dude is talented. He’s a ridiculous guitar player, a good songwriter and he knows Krav Maga, the Israeli fighting technique. On top of that, some of his lyrics sound a lot like the message Bible. We need his talent.
6. He’s connected to a huge slew of other celebrities.
John Mayer has been a bit of a rapscallion with the famous ladies. And it’s fun to say as a guy, “I gotta tell you, if I was young, single, rich, attractive and famous, I’d stay home and probably do long, extended quiet times.” Oh if only that was true. I however, tend to become a jerk when I find an extra $5 in my pockets I wasn’t expecting never mind wearing $24 million in watches. I digress, the point is that if John Mayer becomes a Christian so will Jennifer Anniston, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Jessica Simpson. Yahtzee!
7. We could turn him into a worship leader in about 4 seconds.
Tell me you wouldn’t love to see John Mayer leading a chorus of “Blessed be the name.” I would love that. I would raise my hands and probably even do a little dance. You would too.
Those are my reasons for picking Mayer. Who is your celebrity pick for Christianity? Wait, what? You’re not doing that with your friends? What are you doing instead? Praying for your neighbors and witnessing to them, almost as if your neighbor matters as much to God as John Mayer? Have you heard “Your Body is a Wonderland” or “Daughters?” Come on!