694. Christian Bumper Stickers.

I only have one bumper sticker. It’s the Stuff Christians Like official bumper sticker®. There’s actually no ® that I’m aware of, but with the book coming out, I’m trying to do fancier things like that. Like fellow pastor’s kid Daniel Tosh suggested, I’m going to release a cloud of live doves whenever I come into a room so that people think I’m filming a Prince video. It’s complicated. Like the Denise Richard’s show on E, not the Avril Lavigne song. (Do you see why this site wins pop culture awards? That was like the pop culture version of the new buffet line at the Lobster House Chinese restaurant.)

But just because I don’t have many bumper stickers on my car doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate them. There’s only one problem, there’s really no acceptable point system. I mean, if I’m going to put some Christian stickers on my car, I’d like to know that I’ve got a competitive amount of bumper accoutrements.

And so, I created a scorecard for ranking Christian bumper stickers based on real stickers that are available. (Seems pretty obvious actually when you think about it, given my past history.)

Christian Bumper Sticker Scorecard:

1. You have an ichthus fish sticker. = +1 point

2. You have an ichthus fish sticker with the word ichthus written inside it. =+2 points

3. You have an ichthus fish sticker with the word ichthus written inside it, eating a Darwin fish. = +3 points

4. You have an ichthus fish sticker with the word ichthus written inside it, applying a sleeper hold to the Darwin fish or stabbing it with a sharpened prison style toothbrush. = +4 points

5. Your sticker features a bit of wry Christian word play. “Jesus accepts knee-mail.” Or “This car is prayer-conditioned.” = +1 point

6. Your sticker is stolen straight from a popular secular idea. “Subway is HisWay, Adidas is Add Jesus.” = + 2 points

7. You find a way to work topical, relevant issues into the mix. “Jesus Recycles.” = +2 points

8. Your sticker is completely baffling to people who have never read the Bible. “My boss is a Jewish carpenter.” (Does that guy really work for a Jewish carpenter? Should I get a sticker that says, ‘My boss is an Atheist Accountant?’) = +3 points

9. The sticker completely baffles even you. “Try Jesus, if you don’t like him, Satan will take you back.” = +4 points

10. Your sticker makes a random mention of sexuality. “Avowed Celibate. (How’s that for diversity!)” = +10 points

11. The back of your car mentions the devil or hell. “Boycott Hell!” = +3 points

12. The sticker gives your wife a shout out. “I love my wife.” = +1 point

13. The sticker gives your wife a fun shout out. “I love my hott wife.” = + 2 points

14. You give America a bit of a “talking to” with the sticker. “America needs a faith lift!” = +2 points

15. The sticker is oddly competitive and talks trash against other religions. “My God is alive, sorry about yours!” = 0 points

16. Your sticker tries to shame people into God’s open arms. “Real men love Jesus.” = +1 point

17. Your sticker makes a not so subtle threat. “Live it up, sinner.” = – 10 points

18. Your sticker tries to use drug vernacular to reach these crazy gen millennial tweeners. “Another dopeless hope fiend.” “Want to get high? Try God!” “Get stoned like Paul!” = + 3 points

19. Your sticker makes a case about having God in the school system, that may in fact make it kind of seem like you are threatening to murder people. “Bible or murder. Pick one for your school.” = + 2 points

20. Your sticker kind of makes God seem a little like a slot machine. “Get your way, pray.” = – 4 points

21. You find a sneaky way to have a swear on your car. “God’s last name is not dammit.” = + 5 points

22. Your sticker references a movie from the 90s. “The Sin Exterminator, Jesus, Hasta la Vista Satan.” = +2 points

23. Your sticker makes an Alec Baldwin type threat, “I’m moving to Alaska.” = + 2 points

24. Your sticker features Calvin of Calvin & Hobbes fame praying. = + 4 points

How’d you score? If you’re under 20 points, I’m not sure you’re doing very well. If that’s the case and none of the stickers I mentioned appeal to you, perhaps you’d like one of the new ones I am going to create:

1. “Quit judging! I direct deposit my tithe.”

2. “Sorry I cut you off. I’m a Christian, but I drive like an agnostic.”

3. “My other car is a chariot of fire.”

4. “In case of rapture, I’m not sure reading this bumper sticker is a top priority for you.”

5. “Another Sunday Morning Jogger/Saturday Night Church Attendee”

6. “God created it. The Bible said it. My wife and I are doing it. SEX.”

7. “A hedge of protection is my car insurance. Seriously, I’m uninsured.”

8. “I’ve got GPS. God Prayer System!”

OK, that last one was a little cheesy, but that’s what happens when you write Christian bumper stickers.

What’s the best one you’ve ever seen?

If you could write your own Christian bumper sticker, what would it say?