#693. Asking the pros to pray.

(Ben Meredith is a professional prayerer. That’s an awkward word, isn’t it, but it’s true. He is a master of in the moment prayers and today he shares his three secrets in a great guest post.)

I’m a professional Christian. As a result of hiring an agent and declaring for the draft during my Junior year of college, I lost my amateur status. From that point on, it’s been nothing but salary caps and thinking through a shoe deal. Adidas, Nike, and Reebok, if you are reading this, I draw the line at shoes with light-up Jesus Fish on the back. That’s a non-negotiable must have for me.

The constant media attention and fans asking for autographs I was prepared for. What I was not prepared for was to always be asked to pray before every extended family potluck for the rest of my life.

I suppose I should have seen it coming. After all, I do have the red phone that rings on God’s jailbroken iPhone (God doesn’t like Apple telling him what apps he can install) installed in my house. In the biz we call that the “direct line.” Other amateurs and Monday morning quarterbacks have to go through his receptionist. They mostly get sent to voicemail, and I have it on good authority that He doesn’t even check his work voicemail.

So it’s a good thing I’m the one to dial it up when the family potluck needs christening.

We wouldn’t want the horrors of some part-time Christian blogger with a unibrow asking God to nourish our bodies with grandma’s Mac-n-Cheese.

How could you possibly ensure that the blessing-asker at your event is qualified to request nourishment for your body from the deep-fried and/or sugar-laden substances on hand?

Because I am pro, I am willing to give you some tips on spotting a counterfeit. The worst thing that can happen at these things is to not be aware of the signs. Like GI Joe always said, knowing is half the battle. Here are the 3 indisputable signs you are dealing with a non-professional.

1. Waist Line.

If the guy doesn’t have at least a 38-inch waistline, you are clearly dealing with an amateur. Like a major league umpire, in order to make it into the postseason you have to have called a few hundred games during the dog-days of August. If your blessing barista is still on his first latte, it’s going to be obvious. He should have packed on some serious weight from the months (or years) of Colonel’s Extra Crispy recipe with relentless Banana Pudding chasers. Don’t be afraid to use a tape measure on this one, as some fakers have been known to sew embellished tags in their trousers. Keep in mind the old adage “Waist of 38 is 38 minutes of prayer unwasted”

2. Wait.

That brings us to our next point. If the wait to get at the stacks of Dominoes Pizza is less than 15 minutes from the first “Our most gracious heavenly Father,” you are likely dealing with a faker. Real ministers have a pledge to keep. Most lay-people don’t know about it, but we ministers signed a deal with Sears Kenmore (specifically the microwave oven division) back in the late 60s stating that we would “endeavor to ensure the lukewarmness of each and every potluck until the second advent of Christ.” So if you catch a minister pulling what we call the “oven eliminator” and simply asking God to bless the food, you are not dealing with a professional minister. In fact, check that guy for a unibrow and snappy business cards about his blog. Real ministers are aware that 20 minutes is a recommended intro to a standard 7-point blessing. The seasoned veterans are going to be more likely to aim for the 40 minute TBT (Total Blessing Time) mark.

3. Words.

If you understood every word in your last pre-green bean casserole blessing, I have bad news. IPB (International Potluck Blessers) requires their members to invent (you read that right) at least three words per blessing. Some rookies try to sneak by with adding a “ness” or “itude” to the end of an already awkwardly long word. But the real Pros know that true prayer creativity is an art form. At my last potluck I extolled the Lord for the eccleslatitude of our culture. In my made up word I combined “ecclesiology” (the study of the Church) with “latitude” (freedom from constraints) to form a word that means “students of the church who feel freedom to go far and wide.” You don’t get that kind of verbal weaponry from one wikipedia article about praying before a meal. It requires hours of training. If your blesser thought they were bringing the heat by using the word “propitiation,” they’d better up their game a bit, because real ministers know that Merriam met Webster during the blessing at their church’s potluck.

In addition to using words we make up on the spot, pros are comfortable pronouncing any name from the first 9 chapters of 1 Chronicles without missing a beat.

So, folks, leave it to the professionals. Don’t believe it when the Bible tells you that all believers are priests, and that you have all the spiritual blessings in the heavenly places (including the red phone) in Christ. That’s a bunch of propaganda. You can’t be too careful when it comes to ensuring the safety of broccoli casserole. And, if things go terribly wrong for you as a result of a less than top-shelf blessing combined with a less than warm meatloaf, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

(For more great stuff from Ben, check out his site.)