#686. Rage in the church parking lot.

A few weeks ago, someone almost hit us in the church parking lot.

I know what you’re thinking.

Did I get to dive with the agility of a cat that had been inexplicably trained in the Israeli based fighting technique Krav Maga, and shove my family out of the way of the speeding car? No, unfortunately not, but I would have. I would have.

The whole thing was pretty simple actually. A car had paused in the parking lot so that my family could by. As we started to cross in front of them, the car behind them got impatient and sped around them on the left side, barely missing my wife and kids.

What’s the appropriate response in that moment? Do you say a Christian swear? (Shoot, heck, dang, etc.) Do you throw your Bible at the back of the offending vehicle? Do you turn it into a “teachable moment” and instruct your kids on how not to be a wicked huge jerk?

I suppose you could go down any of those paths. Me? I started writing a blog post in my head.

And the reason is pretty obvious. I don’t believe we have a universally agreed upon rules of engagement for the church parking lot. So I created one.

10 Rules for Church Parking Lots

1. If you’re going to drive like a punk in a church parking lot, at least have the good sense to hammer off your metallic Jesus fish before you come. That way you’ll look like a visitor and when you run us down, we’ll think, “Oh man, that guy could use some Jesus, I’m so glad he’s at church” instead of “Wow, that guy is a Christian and he drives like that?”

2. Recently someone told me they heard of people giving the “Christian finger.” Instead of the middle finger, you use your pointer and aim it to heaven and then yell at someone, “You go to heaven!” Let’s not do that.

3. Maybe you don’t have a crazy parking lot because you’re church isn’t mega. Cool, there are still some rules you need to follow. Like not “drifting,” the Japanese sport where you drive in circles at speeds that drift your back wheels. I can’t say this enough, just because you have a nice big empty parking lot, don’t “drift” into your spot on a Sunday morning.

4. Don’t peel out of the parking lot. I don’t want to call squealing tires, “devil music” but I’m pretty sure they are. Because what you’re saying in that moment is, “I can’t wait to get out of this church parking lot and go watch the MTV show ‘Jersey Shore,’ which is denigrating to both Jersey and land masses that abut bodies of water.”

5. Don’t key anyone’s car if they took “your spot.” At small churches, it’s easy to start denoting things as “mine.” This is “my seat” and “my parking spot.” And after years of parking there, you get a little attached. Upon seeing someone else in the parking spot you’re going to get a little mad. Understandable, just don’t key their car. (See the helpful advice you’re getting? If this post was a book it would be placed on the “Christian Inspiration” shelf.)

6. Don’t yell “sucka!” at the volunteers. It’s really cold in Atlanta right now. The other morning at church it was 17 degrees. Resist the temptation, from the toasty warmth of your car, to roll the window down and do the Nelson “hah hah,” Simpsons laugh at the guy helping wave traffic in the parking lot.

7. Make sure the family sticker on the back of your car is accurate. You know the one, where there’s cartoon representations of your whole crew. If you’re a maniac, I better not see you represented by a smiling dad wearing Mickey Mouse ears. Have your figure holding a broken bottle you can stab people with and maybe a tight tank top with “Fear This” camo shorts.

8. Have your wife drive if you tend to get to mad at traffic. We do this in my family. I wish I was kidding, but I’m not. I don’t even sit in the passenger seat in the front. On Sunday mornings I sit in the back with my kids. It’s the only way I can avoid getting unnaturally grumpy. I should probably take it a step further and start wearing a burlap kidnapper’s bag over my head so I don’t even see how bad the traffic is.

9. Drive worse before church. This one is true whether you have 10 people at your church or 10,000. Theoretically, you’ve just experienced a sermon that called you to repentance and kindness and compassion. Before church, feel free to drive like Vin Diesel in the movie “the Chronicles of Riddick.” (Ahh, you thought I was going with Fast & Furious. But I didn’t. I pulled a Diesel switcheraoo!)

10. Buckle your kids. There was an episode of the Simpsons once where they were trying to jump into a car so they could escape New York. As Marge went to hand Homer Maggie, he yelled at her, “No time for the baby. Let’s go!” Sometimes that’s how I am after church. I tell my wife to step on it without buckling my kids completely yet. They immediately yell, “Dad, my top isn’t buckled.” It’s a scene man, it is a scene.

Those are my 10 rules for driving in the church parking lot.

Got a story from church?

Got a rule you’d like to add?

Let’s hear it.