#661. The guy who always flips his Bible open to the exact verse he needs.

Wow, sorry to hear you’re going through such a tough time right now. That sounds really hard. Have you tried flipping your Bible open? No, I don’t mean reading your Bible, I mean “flipping it open.” Literally just flipping it open to whatever page your hand lands on and then reading that verse?

I don’t want to brag, but I have a 100% track record of success with that approach. Maybe that’s my spiritual gift. Is there anything written about the “art of the flip” in the Bible? I wouldn’t know because I’ve never read the whole thing, but there must be, because I’m really, really good at it.

Sometimes when straight flipping to a verse feels too easy, I’ll bust out a move like magician David Blaine and throw the Bible in the air against a window. Whatever verse it opens up on is the one I go with.

But you’re an amateur, so you should probably start with the simple approach and just flip your fingers through the pages like the wheel on Price is Right. Big money, big money, clickity, clickity, Jeremiah!

See that, I landed on Jeremiah 38:7. Let’s see what the Bible has to say today about your uncle’s gambling problem which is perplexing you right now:

“But Ebed-Melech, a Cushite, an official in the royal palace, heard that they had put Jeremiah into the cistern. While the king was sitting in the Benjamin Gate,”

OK, OK is your uncle by any chance named “Ebed-Melech?” No? Is he a Cushite? Has he ever vacationed near the Benjamin Gate? No? Hmmmm.

Ahhh, I see what’s going on. Your uncle loves to gamble right? Well have you ever been to the casinos in Philadelphia, Mississippi in July? I know, that name doesn’t even make sense, it’s like calling your city, “Chicago, Arkansas,” but I promise you it’s a very real place. And although it’s a nice place, during the summer, Philadelphia, Mississippi is like a cistern. It’s about 1,000 degrees, the air is so humid you can drink it, and there are rows and rows of people physically attached to nickel slot machines by gambling card necklaces they wear. Very cistern like.Very, very Benjamin gateish.

Wow, man. What a fliptastic interpretation! Sometimes I even surprise myself.

You’re welcome.

What? Context? Meaning? Bigger picture of the theological ramifications of the text’s heart and soul? That’s adorable. You need to trust in the gift of the flip. I’ll pray for you.

Clickity, clickity.