#668. Subtle worship distractions.
(You can’t stop Curtis Honeycutt, you can only hope to contain him. When he’s not tearing it up over on Just Wallpaper he’s been known to drop a funny guest post on Stuff Christians Like. He’s back today with, Subtle Sunday Distractions. Enjoy.)
Subtle Sunday Distractions
Some Sunday mornings are no match for my wandering mind. I’m sitting there, in the back corner of the sanctuary (a few of us fondly refer to it as “sinners’ corner”), where I can see everything that is going on during the Sunday morning worship service. I feel like Simba looking out on his domain, except my domain consists of subtle distractions that keep me from focusing in church.
Everyone can spot a major distraction. There’s the classic screaming kid. The pastor’s mic doesn’t work. Randy Johnson sits in the pew in front of you so you can’t see anything except for the back of his formerly-mulleted cranial region. Those are easy.
I’m talking about those subtle worship distractions that you notice—you may just not notice that you notice them. I’ve taken the liberty to assign point values to each distraction so you can rate the severity of your problem of focusing on Sunday morning …
Spot the Sleeper (+2 points): Find the teenager who’s dozing off. Subtract one point if he’s snoring; bonus point if you lean over and thump him.
The During Church Massage (+1 point): They could just get a room instead of express their love language in the middle of church and make everyone else feel awkward. Turns out, they did get a room—and you’re in it.
The Shirt Adjustment (+1 point for each): Have you ever noticed the moment when everyone stands to sing during musical worship, and, in unison, everyone adjusts the back of their shirts so you don’t have to stare at their, er, pockets? No one wants to look like a Frumpalumpicus. Just make sure it’s not you.
Epic Offering Fail (+3 points): This isn’t pretty. Before you know it, you could have an offering train wreck on your hands.
I See Your Point! (+2 points): Sometimes the mouse pointer makes an onscreen appearance and the Powerpoint guy doesn’t realize it for about ten seconds…receive one bonus point for every subsequent second he doesn’t notice.
Bad Hair Day (+1 million points): This happens when your metrosexual worship leader has a hair out of place. Too bad it’s never happened.
Tone Deaf Police (+4 points): Someone within your handshake zone can’t carry a tune in a bucket, bless her heart. Score points only if you peg the guilty party without staring and giving the “I’m praying for you”, concerned look.
Misspelled Lyrics (+2 points/word): How many times do we have to see things like
Turn your gaiz
To heavun and rays
A joyus noyze
The sound of salvaishun come
The sound of rescood wons…
Okay…it’s never that bad, but you get the point. Spell check is there for a reason.
Time to count up your points…let’s see how focused/distracted you are in church…
0-4 points: You’re in the zone. A spontaneous break dance competition could bust out in the aisle and you wouldn’t notice.
5-9 points: You’re just a smidge distracted…now every time people stand up, you can’t help but appreciate a smooth shirt adjustment or notice ol’ Frumpenstein and his buddy Frumplestiltskin.
10-14 points: You may need to break all the rules and sit in the front next week.
15+ points: Well, at least you can download the podcast on Monday…
How distracted are you? What are some things that distract you at church?
(For more great stuff from Curtis, check out his site Just Wallpaper.)
