#652. Secretly believing the prosperity gospel.

(I like to think I’m funny and have big faith until I meet people like Michael Kelly. He’s a writer with a hilarious wit but it’s his heart that struck me most. When I first met him, he told me, “I was headed down this path of being an author until my two year old son got leukemia and my priorities changed.” He’s years down the road on that journey and it’s been a great privilege to learn about the miracles God has worked in Michael’s family. Today, in further proof that big faith and big funny can live in the same person, Michael joins us for a guest post on Stuff Christians Like. Enjoy.)

Secretly Believing the Prosperity Gospel

There are a few whipping girls and boys for conservative evangelicals out there—you know, the ones where we sit down and drink non-alcoholic beverages together and talk about how screwed up the way those people think about God is. It’s a pretty distinguished list, when you think about it. Of course, there are those you expect to find: Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey, and Brad Pitt.

But then there are also those on the “whip it” list that would only be known to the non-drinkers. And many of these people—Joyce Meyer, Joel Osteen, Creflo Dollar—get the nasty stick because they preach what has become known as the prosperity gospel. The prosperity gospel, in a nutshell, is that it’s never God’s will for you to be sick, or sad, or poor. Those with the greatest faith are also the most prosperous, and so “blessing” from God is basically incurred in a cosmic flea market. You bring the Big Guy your good stuff and He gives you some of His good stuff from the heavenly storehouse. You give money away then you gain it right back and then some. You pray with a holy handkerchief and your shingles go away.

Reprehensible, right?

Right . . . except that there’s still a piece of us that kind of likes that idea. It would, after all, be a lot easier than the whole “grace” and mysterious sovereignty issue we unfortunately have to deal with. So we keep this little piece of the prosperity theology tucked away in our treasure box, and only break it out late at night when none of our Bible-thumping buddies can make fun of us.

Here’s a few ways in which we secretly believe the prosperity gospel, but shhhhh…. Don’t tell anyone…

1. The little things.

We don’t really believe that God wants us to have our own private island. But when you’re driving around at the mall on the weekend after Thanksgiving and suddenly the space opens up right in front of Sears, isn’t there a little part of you that thinks, “Bam! Step off the Lord’s anointed one! I’ll be in and out with my BBQ tools in 10!” And in that moment, aren’t you glad you had your quiet time that morning?

2. Selective scriptural interpretation.

Sure, there were a lot of poor folks in Scripture. And some of them got their heads chopped off. But what about Abraham? That brutha was full of faith, and he got more kids than sand. And Job? Well, there is that bit about him losing everything he held precious in his life, but hey—he got it all back and then some! If they were rich, why not me?

3. Keeping track of “blessings on layaway.”

Your write that check for a missionary every month. You make out the check to the First Church of Community Riverside of Spiritual Development (campus 3). You even gave some spare change to that dude with the dog the other day. And in your treasure box, there’s a little mental checklist that waits for the ROI to come rolling in. You have been faithful with little, so…

4. The heavenly barter system.

Granted, this one kind of went out of style when we left college, but before then, we were very interested in trading God our church attendance for a new bike. Or Scripture memory for that chick’s phone number. But even though we’ve grown in these areas, we still like the thought that we can grease the divine palm with a little obedience: “Oh, street evangelism is very uncomfortable for me, God. But I know you want those people to hear about Jesus. Maybe I could be persuaded by a certain Mr. Benjamin?”

Yes, the prosperity gospel is alive and well. Fortunately for us, we can still hold onto in these small ways and yet still pick up with beating stick when the conversation inevitably turns the way of Mr. Osteen.

(For more from Michael, check out his blog michaelkelleyministries.wordpress.com or the publication he writes for threadsmedia.com)