#649. Rooting for Tim Tebow.

Unless you live outside of the United States, never follow college football or currently attend Florida State, you are required by Christian law to root for University of Florida quarterback, Tim Tebow.

I’m sorry if you disagree with me. I don’t write the laws. I just distribute them when they are dropped off on my doorstep by a pure white dove named Cornelius who works for the Southern Baptist Convention. The stories I could tell about the adventures me and that bird have found ourselves in. Wow! Another day, another day.

If you’ve never heard of him, Tim Tebow is the quarterback for the highly ranked Florida Gators and more importantly, a huge fan of God. His willingness to spread the name of Christ through the vehicle of football is honestly really cool and I am not just saying that because he could crush me like a grape while I flailed my tender writer hands around like a helicopter in self defense.

I dig Tim Tebow.

In fact I dig him so much that I am going to offer him a few words of wisdom for free. I know, I know, I’m a giver.

Here’s some advice for any famous Christian athlete:

1. Never spend time outside a strip club.

Forget about going inside that’s obvious, I’m imploring you to never even hang “outside a strip club.” Every news story that involves a professional athlete and the phrase “outside a strip club” ends poorly. I am convinced that “outside a strip club” is the best place on the planet to get punched, kicked, stabbed, pepper sprayed, drunkenly photographed and arrested.

2. Pick obscure verses.

Cornelius would tell you that if you’re going to paint Bible verses under your eyes, you only have two choices: John 3:16 or Philippians 4:13. I say “Poppycock!” Strong language perhaps, but I wanted to get your attention. Don’t feel like you have to use the same verses everyone else uses. The Bible is massive. Pick something obscure and or violent like Psalm 10:15 “Break the arm of the wicked and evil man …” That would be a perfect verse if you were a Christian UFC fighter.

3. Hang out with Josh Hamilton.

I saw Josh Hamilton, the professional baseball player, speak a few weeks ago and he’s awesome. Not only did he have a powerful story of addiction and redemption, he rifled a mini football into the crowd that almost snapped someone’s sternum in half. Both things were pretty neat to see. If I were you, I would make Josh Hamilton my wingman for some Christian adventures.

4. Join the Power Team when you retire.

Sure, you could be a broadcaster when your pro football career is over but wouldn’t you rather tour the country doing feats of strength and leading people to the Lord? Plus, the name “Tim Tebow” practically writes its own Power Team-flavored nickname. I’d suggest “Tim Tebomb” or “Tim TeBAM” or perhaps the less creative but equally effective, “WAC – Wicked Awesome Christian.” Any one of those would work when you retire someday from professional football.

5. Call Tony Dungy ASAP.

I don’t know how you get the former coach of the Indianapolis Colts to mentor to you but you should make that phone call. Dungy won super bowls, experienced the hurt of getting fired and then watching his former team win the super bowl immediately after he was gone and adopted four kids in his forties when he found out how many African American children were orphaned every year in the United States. I want to have Tony Dungy follow me around and offer suggestions on every aspect of my life. I want him at the supermarket saying over my shoulder, “You’re buying a Mexican cheese dip product named ‘Gordo’s’ Jon? You know ‘Gordo’ is Spanish for ‘fat.’ You sure you want to eat a product that is named ‘fat.’”

Those are my tips for famous Christian athletes.

Did I miss any?

What would you say to famous Christian athletes?