#631. The campus babysitter.
(Ben Meredith writes really funny comments on Stuff Christians Like. His is funny. And it turns out he’s pretty generous too because he was willing to share a great guest post with us today about the weird things that happen when you’re a campus minister. And I was the student he describes in this post so hopefully this will serve as a bit of a tribute to the campus ministers that put up with me in college. I really dug this post and I think you will too. Enjoy.)
“Hello, my name is Sue Ellen McDenomination, and my eldest grandson is a sophomore at State University. I’ve encouraged him to get involved in the Campus Crusade group on campus, but I wanted to see if you’d go by and invite him. He loves the Lord and is looking to get plugged in to a Christian community on campus. I’ve included his contact information below. Thank you and may God bless your ministry.”
Due to the nature of my job with Campus Crusade, and the fact that my name is on our ministry’s website, I get emails like this about once per week right at the beginning of school each semester. Here’s what she meant to type. Must be some sort of weird spell-check error.
“Hello, my name is Sue Ellen McDenomination. I have this grandson who may or may not be the antichrist. He lights things on fire, got the youth group banned from McAllisters for the rest of this decade, and once received the atheist club’s “most outspoken” award at his high school. How he even got into the college where you minister I am not sure. If I’m being honest, the last place he’d ever willingly go would be to a campus ministry. He’d be a lot more likely to be perfecting his keg-stand form, if his facebook pictures are any indication. He currently holds the fraternity record for most consecutive mornings waking up in someone else’s underwear, at 5.
Once at a youth retreat he stood up to place his faith in Christ, but mainly because Kaylee, his girlfriend, said she’d break up with him if he didn’t.
I’d love for you to stop by and convince him that, even though your group’s name is “Campus Crusade for Christ” and he’ll immediately associate you with the horrors of 15th century Europe (if you’re lucky) or our youth pastor (if you’re not), you’re a great group to get involved with. On second thought, could you hold back any information regarding your name or affiliation until he’s been coming for a few weeks? And I’d avoid giving him the website name for your group. Our church’s website has been redirecting to one of three Russian mail-order bride websites for over four years after he hacked it.
Can you actually forget the whole campus ministry thing for about six hours per week, (what do you people do for 40 hours a week anyways?) and just go and make sure my grandson doesn’t hurt himself or anyone else? I have a spare key to his car that I’ll be sending you via FedEx, and would love for you to hide the vehicle from him. That’s where he keeps most of his illicit drugs, though, so I’d obey all traffic laws. I’d hate for you to get pulled over “ridin dirty” as Chamillionaire so aptly put it.
Thanks so much for your time reading this. God bless your ministry. (but, again, I’d avoid calling it a “ministry” for at least a year after you invite Jimmy.)
PS. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell him how you got his information, or his car keys. Thanks!”
(For more great stuff from Ben, check out his blog.)
