#618. Forgetting the 5 commandments of church league sports.

Although I can play Frisbee all day and that’s God favorite sport, I’ve recently realized that I suck at certain other athletic events. Although I love the idea of basketball, I’ve somehow developed this awkward running lay up that looks like how the nerd would do it in an after school movie about the jock who taught the nerd to play basketball while learning science and passing the test so he could play in the big game against their cross town rivals, who were of course named the Sharks.

When I throw a baseball it kind of looks like I’m doing an amazingly realistic impersonation of how someone from another planet who has never seen a baseball would throw it. Whenever I toss the football around, after throwing it about three times I always end up trying to talk the other guys I’m with into a kicking contest instead since most everyone is horrible at punting and at least I can hide my whackness that way.

All in all, it turns out that I’m not the fantastic athlete I like to think I am. So instead of one day hitting a home run and winning the church softball league, I feel my gift might instead lie in words. That perhaps though I will never dunk for Jesus, I can at least come up with a set of ideas that we all agree on, a five commandments of church sports leagues if you will. And that’s exactly what I did.

The Five Commandments of Church League Sports

1. Thou Shalt Not Make Every Dropped Fly Ball a “Teachable Moment.”
If I strikeout and we lose the game and I return dejected to the dugout, please don’t feel compelled to turn that into a “teachable moment.” For one thing, I’m not sure the analogy you’re making between me and King David is accurate. I mean he hit Goliath. Technically speaking he connected with his target. For another thing, if you use every strikeout or dropped ball in the outfield as a chance to teach me, you’re going to need about 19 million sports/God illustrations because I’m horrible at softball. That’s going to exhaust both of us.

2. Thou Shalt Not Work Out Elder Issues on the Field.
Yeah, I agree, there’s a bit of a power play going on between the elders and the pastoral search committee right now. Does that mean you should slide into second base cleats first in order to drive home that you’re concerned the current candidate for senior pastor has a surprisingly liberal take on Baptism? Doubtful.

3. Thou Shalt Not Invite People to Church Based strictly on their athletic prowess. No ringers please. I am convinced the Fonti brothers, an Italian family that looked like Lou Ferrigno, only bigger, were invited to our church when I was a kid because they looked like they could swing a mean bat. And they did, people had to start parking in different parking lots because they hit so many homeruns. But be careful if you ever meet someone and say, “How tall are you? About 6′ 5″? How’s your vertical leap? You ever think about coming to church? I think you’d really like Jesus. And dunking, how do you feel about dunking? You enjoy doing that?”

4. Thou Shalt Invent Your Own Christian Swear Words
I personally am trying to bring the phrase, “Oh, Fiddlesticks” back in but so far no one is biting. But if you do find yourself having a moment where you just got hit in the crotch by a ball or someone missed a key free throw during church league basketball, please bust out a Christian swear word. “Oh my stars!” “Shazham,” or even “Melon Farmer” will do.

5. Thou Shalt Not Start the Pastor just Because He’s the Pastor
This is not a spiritual leadership moment. This is the bottom of the 9th inning. This is the championship game against another church in our community. We need someone who can close out this game and if the pastor has no curveball, always forgets which hand to put his glove on and secretly sees throwing nice big hittable balls as a way to “love his neighbor,” keep him in the dugout. Let him pray while someone good pitches.

Those are my five commandments for church league sports, but I really feel like this list needs ten.

Which one would you add?

Did you ever play church league sports?

What commandment is missing?