I like lists. I like youth groups. (Yesterday’s youth group post was evidence of that) I also like giving free books away. So when the folks at Moody said I could give you five free copies of the book, “YOUthwork: 99 practical ideas for youthworkers, parents and volunteers” I said hooray.

The contest is going to be simple. Post a comment by Tuesday, August 18th with an answer to the question below to win a copy of this book by Don Pearson and Paul Santhouse. I’ll pick the five most awesome answers. Here’s the question:

What youth group related topic is still missing from Stuff Christians Like?

That’s it. Write a short comment with one idea. Write a long one with ten. This is your chance to say, “Here’s a youth group idea you’ve failed to write about yet on Stuff Christians Like.” And you could win a free book.
Ready?

What youth group related topic is still missing from Stuff Christians Like?

About 6 weeks ago I wrote a post called “The 11 people every youth group needs.” My dad is starting a church and I hoped it would be kind of a “how to” kit of clichés that every youth group should have. I ended the post by saying, “What youth group stereotype did I forget?”

The comments you left were great. As I have long suspected and proclaimed, the readers of this site are hilarious. So today I thought I would just get out of the way and post what I thought were the funniest youth group kids I forgot to mention.

In what may be the largest guest post ever on Stuff Christians Like, I give you:

8 other people every youth group needs:
 
1. The Drummer
He’s definitely in the marching band, and he’s definitely ADD. everything around him becomes a drum, and when the youth praise team recruits him, suddenly all the songs are double-time. worship has never been so efficient. By Rachel

2. The Athletic Brothers
The two boys who have to be separated whenever there are sporting activities so that they cannot dominate the rest of the group (bonus points if they’re twins).
By Regular Joes

3. The Clutz
He/she will get injured at every event usually due to their own actions; he is the reason there are waiver forms and why you can’t go back to certain amusement parks. By Regular Joes

4. The dwarves
STINKY- true stench, but says “I don’t care” you finally respond “I do care & next time I’m taking you home & can come back when you don’t stink. It is a dirty job but someone has to do it.

BUMPY- just don’t understand when you make them cover up their breast, butt, or underwear. Indignant when they tell you, my momma bought this for me. You do not discuss momma but let them know your standards are different and provide a t-shirt or belt. They will fight for the right to expose themselves in public, you must win and teach them modesty.

DOPEY- you know he uses drugs & probably sells them. You find a way to discretely firmly tell him “you do anything here you will be arrested”. Then treat him like everyone else. Be careful and see if this may be a SLEEZY.

SLEEZY- this teen is the predator, important to discover him and beat him off his prey before it is too late. To protect others you have to close the door to him. He is charming, a magnet, talented but deadly. Many others have closed that door also. The last door will be a cell door or coffin door. You pray there is someone that can save them before it is too late. When they truly repent (not lie about it) they will turn the world upside down.

NEEDY- this teen is so needy that they are prey to SLEEZY. They will do anything to be noticed or loved, they will lie, steal, do anything perverted to appease their predator. They are annoying, clingy or aloof but it is volatile, and almost futile.

HURTY- this person cannot handle the pain they are in so they cut themselves or wrecklessly try to hurt themselves (more than the usual bumps or bruises.) This teen is on a path of destruction and uses anything to mask that pain with cigarettes, alcohol, drugs or sex. You pray, try to direct them and cry for them.

GRUMPY- this teen takes a lot of patience; they want everyone to know how miserable they are. You hug, love them and listen b/c their pain and their life is more horrendous than you ever could believe. You pray they change before they slip into Hurty.

THINKY- they want everyone know how smart they are by correcting and disagreeing, and letting you know they are smarter than you. You resist the temptation to beat them repeatedly about the head and shoulders and try to teach them humility.

WINNY: they will meet any challenge they are over competitive will win at all costs. They are the 1st to raise their hand and volunteer for anything. You want to be on their team.

HAPPY- the kid that has horrible parents, horrible sibling but decides to put a smile on their face & do their very best.

WHIMPY: has no confidence, has been babied, not made to do anything. Lots of encouragement and ignore their whines and don’t let them whimp out. They are so unsure of themselves but there is a breakthrough when they meet a challenge. If allowed will gripe about everything and say i’m bored, must be challenged.

WHINNY- produce tears, scream, whine anything to get the other person in trouble, they are the victim. Some have learned this is the way to get their way, (must let them know it won’t work with you)

SQUEEZY- this teen wants to hug all over everyone, but it’s not that nice innocent hug. You respond with get off them! They respond as the victim that :wasn’t doin nuthin wrong”, don’t believe them. Refrain from calling them “you little pervert”.

DIPPY- this teen can always make you laugh; can use anything as a prop, just naturally funny. Surround yourself with them you need them.

You love all of them.
By Moe

5. The Project Kid
Everyone assumes that this kids is not a Christian because he wears Metallica t-shirts, has long hair, and doesn’t talk much. The rest of the group prays over him frequently, and everybody wants to be the one that leads him to Jesus. He never tells anyone that he loves GOD because he finds the attention amusing. By Nic

6. The Mother Hen
What about the mother hen? The girl who may or may not be olderthan her peers, but somehow is always taking care of everyone else? She is there with a plate of freshly-baked cookies, always has a listening ear, sets up and takes down for every event, but rarely participates because she is too busy in the prayer room or waiting to help someone out? At weddings, she is the girl helping the bride pee by holding the train of the gown.

She can usually be found hanging with the adult leaders or the youth pastor. This is your go-to girl, spiritual cheerleader of sorts. This is the girl you ask to pray for you and dump on, but refuse to acknowledge outside of yg sponsored events. By Anon

7. The Gigglers
I distinctly remember the gigglers. Normally a group of 2 to 3 girls who are very pretty (but unlike Kim, they know they are pretty and work hard at it) and spend much of their time huddled together whispering, pointing at the acoustic guy, and giggling. They are also the go to group when you want someone to suggest a car wash as a fundraiser. By Snowberrylife

8. The kid with an endless supply of prayer requests
Always has an aunt, sister, neighbor, cousin, friend, in the hospital, dying, out-of-work, pregnant, going on a mission trip… Enjoys playing “My Prayer Request is Much More Serious & Urgent Than Yours.” You can tell he’s running out of requests and feeling desperate when he offers up people from the local and national news as prayer requests. “I really think we need to pray for Matsuzaka. He just got taken out of the lineup and they think there might be something wrong with him physically and well, I don’t think he’s a Christian, so….” If this kid is in your small group prayer time after large group, pick a comfortable chair. You’ll be there for awhile. By Snoodlings

When I was a teenager, 89% of my energy at summer camp and church retreats was spent trying to kiss girls. “Tender Ronis” if you will. The important word to note in that first sentence is “trying.” I know this may shock many of you, but I was not a ladies man.

I would have preferred to be well behaved at camp when I was a teen but there’s a secret guild of pastor’s kids that makes you act up. They approached me when I turned 13 and informed me that as the eldest son in our family, it was my job to live up to the song “Son of a Preacher Man.” So I did what I had to do for the safety of my family. The PKG (Pastor’s Kid Guild) is a dangerous bunch. I’ve said too much.

But times have changed. I’m a dad of two little girls now that will one day go to summer camp or a church retreat. And when they do, some punk kid with a name like “Thayyne” is going to try to make purple with them. (Boys are signified as representing the color blue and girls the color pink. When they kiss, they make purple, so it’s common to hear youth ministers yelling “no making purple” at camp.)

And knowing that I can only arm my kids with so much sarcasm and Godly wisdom, I decided to create something youth ministers and leaders can use to dramatically reduce the amount of making out at camp. Taking lessons from Sun Tzu’s Art of War and Greene’s 48 Laws of Power, I have created the “Reduction Of Making Purple” Manifesto, otherwise known as the

ROMP Manifesto
1. Eliminate wartime propaganda
When Mao was fighting against the Nationalists in China, they used all sorts of propaganda to encourage their enemy to give up and join their side. Think that same thing doesn’t happen at camp? You’re crazy. The first thing you want to do is make a rule that no pants with writing on the butt can be worn. I promise, even if you put a Bible verse on the butt, or as K-Mart did “True Love Waits,” you’re only asking for trouble. Start camp with the rule “the butt is not a billboard.”

2. Encourage bad breath
In the eighth grade I used to date a girl named Sue. After every school dance, during which boys sat sullenly on one side and girls on the other while listening to Ace of Bass, we would walk to a local pizza joint. It used to kill me when Sue would eat Cool Ranch Doritos. Those may taste great, but it makes your breath smell like warm garbage. And Smartfood white cheddar popcorn has the same effect. It tastes good but makes your fingers and your mouth smell like throw up. So instead of having a well-stocked snack table or snack booth at camp, only offer bad breath items after 5PM. Call it the “garlic pickle rule.” Don’t sell gum or mints or other things that are going to make kids’ mouths like Alpine ski resorts of freshness. Focus on things like Swiss cheese, kippered jerky and other unpleasantly-flavored delights.

3. Know your enemy
Weeks before camp or a retreat begins go over the roster of people that will be attending with your staff. Put a check by the name of everyone you think is likely to at one point kiss someone. Go ahead and put a check by any of the pastor’s kids. Don’t be fooled by the dorks either. You might think the kids playing world of warcraft 82 hours a day aren’t going to make out, but they will. As Sun Tzu says, “If you know the enemy and know yourself, your victory will not stand in doubt.”

4. Don’t create Gremlins
In the movie, “Gremlins,” the little creatures who were the star of the film got out of control if you fed them after a certain time. I look at kids and energy drinks the same way. Red Bull is not a beverage, it’s a gateway liquid to camp kiss-a-thons. Don’t let the kids load up on caffeine, but don’t just throw the energy drinks away. The Art of War says that “A wise general makes a point of foraging on the enemy.” Save those drinks for yourself, you’re going to need them my friend.

5. Get an informant
You need an inside man. Someone that can feed you information, like when someone is sneaking out or where the make out spots are. You’ll be tempted to play this role yourself, but don’t. Teens can spot a youth minister trying to act cool a mile away. Instead, find someone that will do the job for you if you give them an important sounding title like “assistant to the regional manager of no kissing.”

6. Master the terrain
Chances are, there are only a few places that kids could use for making purple. On the first day you get to camp, send out advance scouts. Have them analyze the area and take control of the high ground. Cabins your group isn’t using, secluded spots by the lake, tool sheds, your enemy is like water flowing to a weak spot in a dam. Go there first and create a “kiss map” so instead of trying to cover an entire camp ground at midnight when two kids go missing, you can check the five or six possible hot spots.

7. Make a sacrifice
Charles Maurice de Talleyrand was one of Napoleon’s chief advisors. When Napoleon was first sent to exile, Talleyrand knew that he would try to retake France. He felt that Napoleon would destroy the country, so he actually helped speed up Napoleon’s comeback plans. He realized that the faster he could make Napoleon fail at his plans, the less harm it would cause France. You need to do the same thing at camp. Instead of fighting the making purple issue, make it really easy for one couple to kiss and then get caught. One of the best ways to beat the enemy is to crush what scientists call their “kissing spirit.” OK, I made that phrase up, but the principle stands. Set a trap for two kids, give them a few seconds to kiss and then spring from the woods with your troops. As punishment, make them wear cow bells for the rest of camp. In addition to knowing where they are all times, you’ll show the entire camp that the teenage Kryptonite, embarrassment, awaits anyone caught.

8. Never underestimate the enemy
It’s tempting to believe in the kindness of humanity. Resist that temptation. I know people that made purple on mission trips. Another friend’s parents thought he gained 40 pounds in high school from being a big eater and didn’t suspect beer. My friend’s new car got smashed at church in the parking lot and the church member hit and run without leaving a note. As the policeman that filed the report said, “Even churches have squirrelly people.” Don’t think your kids who love sleeping in won’t set their alarms to sneak out at four in the morning. Don’t think that we won’t use a prayer walk as a chance to go make out. Don’t underestimate what we are capable of.

9. Never show your hand
When you are sharing the rules at camp, don’t reveal too many of your plans. Don’t say things like “we’ll be watching the lake shore and checking all the cabins at midnight to make sure everyone is in bed.” If you told me that as a teen, what I would have heard is, “Avoid the lake and feel free to leave your cabin three minutes after midnight.” As Sun Tzu advises, “By altering his arrangements and changing plans, the general keeps the enemy without definitive knowledge. By shifting his camp and taking circuitous routes, he prevents the enemy from anticipating his purpose.”

10. Use chemical warfare
Kids at camp should smell bad. That’s part of camp. That’s just what you do at a retreat. You should have a unique smell combination of sweat, sun tan lotion and bootleg cookies. So on day one, use chemical warfare and go around to each dorm and confiscate body sprays, colognes and perfumes. Especially take the ridiculous ones like Axe and those new products that promise girls will rip your clothes off if you splash on a few drops of what smells like discount Drakkar or Cool Water cologne.

11. Embrace audio assaults
You might not need to confiscate Prince’s “Purple Rain” as I imagine today’s teens have not discovered this fantastic record. But google a few songs before camp starts and make sure you never hear them played in the cabins. Lil’ Wayne’s song “lollipop” for instance should be eliminated at the gate. If you want to go old school fundamental, you can light them all on fire in a awesome bonfire of judgment. A bonus benefit is that everyone will smell smoky, which fits idea #10.

There are certainly other methods that work well when it comes to reducing camp make outs. But it’s almost the weekend and I didn’t want to turn on the SCL fire hose too hard and drown folks in words at the end of the week.

Did I miss one? Some technique that will work well? Let me know.

My wife and I spent Thanksgiving in Pensacola, Florida a few years ago. Since our kids go to bed awesomely early, 6:30 eastern, we were stuck in the hotel by ourselves at 5:30 central time every night. There are few things as depressing as sitting on a bed for five straight hours in a Sleep Inn hotel room. In addition to suck your soul out fluorescent lights, the room had kind of this potpourri of bad smells. It was part smoke, part cat, part old Hardee’s hamburger and a smidge of feet.

It was admittedly a good time to catch up on conversation with my wife, but after a few straight days of staring at each other, we were both a little stir crazy. One night I walked down to the BP gas station that was beside the hotel.

Behind the counter at the gas station was a sad woman in her mid thirties. She looked tired, like maybe life was hard for her a decade too soon. Like maybe she didn’t get to be a kid long enough and all that adulthood was starting to catch up on her.

On the outside of her hand was a small greenish gray tattoo of an X. I was curious about what it meant, so I asked her the significance. Here is her response:

“Oh that? That doesn’t mean anything. My mom gave me that one night when she was drunk.”

That was a kind of weird answer, so I asked her how old she was when it happened. She scrunched up her face for a second in concentration and then said, “I think I was 13.”

When I was 13, I was really concerned about my clothes. I was worried that my mom would buy me a Knights of the Round Table shirt instead of Polo. Or that I would have Reeboks instead of Nikes. These were the kinds of things I focused on, because at that age, kids would tease you for the smallest thing.

But what about showing up to school one Monday with a jagged, bloody green x tattooed on your hand? What was that experience like? How would kids react to that? Didn’t it hurt when her mom gave her that? She was drunk, writing on her daughter with a shaky hand and a hot needle.

I thought about that the rest of the trip and was considering writing about the marks that our parents give us. They’re not all as obvious as that and many are actually positive, but I realized that was a narrow way to look at it, because it’s not just parents that give us marks. It’s coworkers and spouses and friends and strangers. And when we don’t know they’re there, sometimes they actually stick.

Someone once asked me to review a memo at work that included some disparaging remarks about my writing ability. There on page 4 was a giant circle with a big red line through it that said “Fluff” and a sentence that promised a coworker was going to eliminate my fluff writing. The person that handed me the memo didn’t realize it was about me. They wanted me to focus on a completely different section of the document but my eye caught some criticism about the company’s writer, and since I was the only writer there, I couldn’t help but read what was written.

As I walked back to my desk, I was crushed. I felt like my complete lack of value had not only been noticed but captured in a memo. In the quietness of my head though, I felt like God popped in and said, “Hey, that memo doesn’t get to define who you are. I do. And I say you are my son.” I was blown away and instead of spiraling into despair and shame over that memo, I went back to my desk and wrote what was probably the best thing I’ve ever written for that company.

I wish that single event was enough to forever shake off the bad marks I’ve got on me, but it isn’t. I still doubt. I still believe the lies of the marks. I still, like lots of other Christians, forget who I am. I still give other people’s words too much power. I don’t have it all figured out. Instead, more than anything, life feels like it’s been a long series of believing that I am not who other people define me to be, I am a son of God. I am God’s work of art. And the more I have been open to believing that, the more He’s shown me it’s true.

The thing I realized, is that an experience can’t change that. My relation to God is not a mark. It is not a big tattoo or a little sticker, it is who I am. I can not completely cover that up or blot it out with failure. The prodigal son tries, he completely messes up his life. But more importantly, he shows how sometimes, the worst marks are the ones we give ourselves. “I’m a bad husband. I’m a terrible employee. I’m ugly.”

These are the words we sometimes hear from ourselves and they are the kind of words the prodigal son tries to say to his father. (I have written about this story so many times it’s getting a bit ridiculous but I love the lessons it has for us.) When the prodigal son rehearses his homecoming speech, he decides to conclude it with, “make me like one of your hired men.” That was the last thing he was going to say. But when he speaks to his father, that is the one thing he is not allowed to speak. The rest of his speech comes off without a hitch. “Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.”

These words are delivered without incident, but he doesn’t ever get to say “make me like one of your hired men.” Why is that?

Why are those eight words left out? You can certainly read that as just accidental, that regardless of the words, the father was going to cut him off before he finished speaking. And maybe that’s right. But when I read that, I read a father stopping a son from saying something the father would never do. The father would never make him like one of his hired men. He would never give the son a new mark of slavery. He would never call him employee, instead of son. So he doesn’t even let those words out. He stops him because no new mark would be given that day. The old truth, the one at the core of the son, still holds true.

Despite the pigpen and the prostitutes, the dirt and the deception, the father doesn’t see a hired man.

He sees a son.

He sees his child.

And that changes everything.

I hate advertising.

On some levels I love it because it’s what I do for a living and it’s what enables me to buy Clifford the Big Red dog products for my daughters. But on other levels I hate it, and the commercial for the Kidz Bop CD reminded me of that.

Kidz Bop is a CD with popular top 40 songs sung by 10-year olds. I’m cool with the idea of kids singing, my 3-year old daughter loves to sing in the car, but the songs they put on these albums are clearly not written for little kids. Take these lyrics from Hinder’s “Lips of an Angel” a song on Kidz Bop volume 11. It’s a heartwarming, childhood favorite about getting a phone call from an ex-lover while your current lover is in the other room:

Well, my girl’s in the next room. Sometimes I wish she was you. I guess we never really moved on. It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name. It sounds so sweet. Coming from the lips of an angel. Hearing those words it makes me weak. And I never wanna say goodbye. But girl you make it hard to be faithful, with the lips of an angel.

What 10-year old can’t relate to that song? What 10-year old hasn’t cheated on his girlfriend a time or two? You know how it is. You’re on the slide on the playground, your lady is playing hopscotch and an old flame winks at you from the swing set. What’s a kid to do? Thankfully Hinder and Kidz Bop have prepared you for this moment and upon taking a long, hard pull from a cold chocolate milk, you can stare off into the distance and wistfully say in a voice that hasn’t gone through puberty yet, “Girl you make it hard to be faithful with the lips of an angel.” (There’s some debate about whether Kidz Bop modifies the lyrics on their version, but regardless of how you tweak it, at the core it’s still a song about sex.)

I wish I could punch Kidz Bop in the face. But I can’t because it’s just a CD and that would look weird to see me in a parking lot just punching a CD over and over. What I can do though is make an amazing VBS mix tape for my daughters. That way when we sitting on 22s and rolling through the drive thru at Chick-fil-A the cops won’t catch us riding dirty and we can bring the new flava in ya ear like Craig Mack. (Whoa, that sentence was raptastic!)

Here are the three key song categories you need to keep in mind when it comes to a great VBS mix tape:

1. War themed songs
I’ve written about this before, but what can I say, we love teaching our four-year olds some military-flavored songs. My favorite two are probably “God’s Army” and “Onward Christian Soldier.” I like God’s Army because it gets specific and actually mentions things like the infantry. I dig Onward Christian Soldier despite it kind of sounding like something that might have been sung during the Crusades.

2. Size and dimension songs
We absolutely love measurement songs. From “Deep and Wide” to “My God is so big” we can’t get enough of songs that speak to the size of things. Think I’m wrong? How about the song that says, “Zaccheus was a wee little man.” It’s probably one of my three favorite children songs that focus on someone’s lack of height.

3. Happy happy joy smile songs
A lot of Christian children songs are like sunshine deep fried in cotton candy served on a plate made of sugar and rainbows. That is, they are happy. From “Joy, joy down in my heart” to “this little light of mine” we bring the happy when we sing. Even things like the flood that killed most of mankind gets the smile treatment. How can you be depressed about the cleansing of the planet when you sing, “God told Noah there’s going to be a floody, floody.” I think Donald Miller talked about that in Blue Like Jazz. And on a side note, adding a “y” to the end of any word makes it a little happier. Flood becomes floody, which is makes it kind of feel silly. Maybe next time I get fired, I’ll say I got “firedy.”

Those are the three key categories, but I promise I have left out one or two. What about “He’s got the whole world in His hands” or “the B.I.B.L.E., yes that’s the book for me?” I hope you’ll share your favorite song but remember, the greatest VeggieTales song ever is “the Cheeseburger Song.” That’s not opinion, that’s fact.

What song would you add to the mix?

Wow, it was tough picking four comments for the “Who has shared wisdom with you” contest for the free 9 Ways God Always Speaks book.

Check out the entire list of comments for some great ideas about wisdom. In the meantime here are the four people that won a free copy of the book. If you made one of the winning comments please email me at theacuffs@yahoo.com with your mailing address and “9 ways” in the subject line. Thanks so much for sharing your ideas.

Kristina said…
I was tempted to think of an odd pearl of wisdom that came from working with middle school students (I mean, every now and then, they say something wise, right?), or someone else unlikely, just to be unique…but that would do unjustice to the person who truly has given me such a large amount of wisdom.My youth pastor in high school always had an incredible gift for teaching the truth and wisdom of the Bible. More importantly, he lived and modeled such wisdom himself. Long after I graduated, I went to him with my accomplishments, problems, decisions, and even when I was dumped by some boy. He always had a wealth of Biblical advice, and I soaked it up. I trusted what he said because I had seen him live his life as a man of character, both within his family and the church. He was the person I looked up to the most, and it seemed no matter what the situation was, he knew how to help me find the wise thing to do. I am indebted to him for the way he taught me to examine the world and the decisions I make each day.One day last year, I found myself in the middle of a stupid situation I was pretty sure wasn’t wise. I felt stuck, and had no idea what to do. I asked him what he thought, but for the first time in my life I remember thinking that I genuinely may not have the courage to follow his wisdom, that I was probably going to let him down. He was going to think I was such an idiot, especially considering how much I “knew” to be true.And yet after he gave some advice he shrugged and said, “You know, Kristina, no decision you can make and nothing you could do would ever change the fact that my wife and I are very much FOR you. There is no ‘mess up’ that would make us walk away from your friendship, or lose respect for you”And that was the first time I really learned that should I ever ignore wisdom, the Lord would still be there. And a few friends would be standing there, as well. I will never forget the relief that flooded my heart that day, a feeling that taught me so much in itself…

Jame Jame said…
The best advice I have ever recieved was from a fifteen year old girl. I taught and coached a bunch of ridiculous, rough kids my first year teaching English and coaching soccer(I was 21). I had just finished telling my team how stupid and ridiculous they looked. How they were stooping to the level of trashiness by back talking the other team. I told them that I didn’t coach tramps I coached ladies. I gave the death blow when I said: “I thought you girls were ladies. I guess not.” At this point I knew I was going to lose my job and/or get stabbed, but one girl looked at me and said: “Coach B, that hurts, but thanks. We do look really stupid right now. You speak with love, but no sugar. I like that. I wish more coaches and teachers were like that. We love you, B.” Honesty with purely self-less intentions is the best policy.

Beth said…
My counselor. I was separated and trying to sort things out, and I’d sit on the couch and go yada yada yada and waa waa waa about the past and he did this and she said that…And he would say, “Okay. So what?” And I realized that it was up to me to choose to move forward, regardless of what had been. I learned a lot about grace that way.

Mom2Drew said…
My mom. It was 5 years ago and I was suffering from debilitating morning sickness while pregnant with my son. While moaning to my mom on the phone about how I was going to have to quit my job because I just couldn’t take it any more, she responded with, “Don’t ever make career decisions when your head is in a toilet!” Thankfully, I took her advice, stayed at my job and learned a huge lesson about perseverance. I’ve needed/relied on that wisdom many times while parenting my four-year old (and preparing for his baby sister to arrive in a few months)!

I’m having a hard time believing that summer is almost over. I feel like I blinked in May and woke up in August, which wouldn’t be so bad if I stilled lived in Massachusetts. Up north, school starts around or after Labor Day, but in Georgia schools start in the middle of August.

That means, we’ve got one last week to summer like we’ve never summered before. And that’s what I plan on doing. For the next week, Stuff Christians Like is going to be summertastic. I’m going to bring back summer favorites with essays rambling through topics like VBS, camp and mission trips. We’ll end the week with a post that more than a dozen of you wrote and then a book giveaway on Saturday.

In the meantime I’m going to use this week to teach my daughter L.E. everything she needs to know about starting kindergarten. A boy in preschool asked her last year if she would kiss him, so most of my wisdom is going to involve judo and possibly windmill punching techniques.

Fresh stuff will return this Friday, in the meantime, let the farewell to summer commence,

Jon

#384. Mission Trip Leader Fanny Pack Syndrome

Something happens to mission trip leaders about a month before they go on a trip. It’s subtle at first, most of them won’t even notice it before it’s too late. But it’s there, quietly lurking, waiting for just the right moment to strike. I am of course talking about Mission Trip Leader Fanny Pack Syndrome or MTLFPS. That strange phenomenon that overtakes people who have spent their entire lives as productive, healthy, non-fanny pack wearing members of society. That odd desire to fasten a small piece of luggage to your waist. It’s a problem, and one that few people are willing to talk about.

But after careful consideration and some quiet time, I decided to come forward. To address this growing concern and invite you to take a look at the journal of someone about to fall prey to Mission Trip Leader Fanny Pack Syndrome.

5 weeks before the trip, a leader journals:
“I can’t believe that elder suggested I get a fanny pack. That’s crazy. I’m not a fanny pack kind of guy. I’d never wear one. Seinfeld was right when he said, “it looks like your belt is digesting a small animal.”

4 weeks before the trip:
“I have so much stuff to keep track of. My passport, my money, emergency contact numbers, a bus pass, keys to the rooms where we’re staying. I wish there was an easy way to carry it all. Some sort of bag, maybe a satchel. I’m not getting a fanny pack though.”

3 weeks before the trip:
“I need to make sure I don’t get my money stolen when we’re downtown on the trip. It’s probably statistically safer than my own city, but I still want to be careful. A backpack won’t work because someone could just stand behind me emptying it without me even knowing and I don’t want to be that guy that wears it on the front of his belly like he’s pregnant. I wish there was another way to strap valuables on to me somehow.”

2 weeks before the trip:
“During my lunch break today, I went to the mall without telling anyone. I tried on a few fanny packs. And actually, they’re not even called that these days. They’re called ‘hip bags.’ I like that, it sounds, well ‘hip.’”

1 week before the trip:
“If you think about it, Batman kind of wore a fanny pack. I mean he might have called it a “utility pack,” but it was really a fanny pack. What am I saying? I’m better than Batman? I’m too good to wear a fanny pack? I’m too cool to wear a hip bag?”

2 days before the trip:
“I heart hip bags!! There are so many pockets and zippers and compartments. And Velcro and snaps and buttons and I am in ‘waist pack heaven!’ I know the kids will tease me on the trip, but what do they know? With their hip hop and their twitter. This is cool. They’re wrong. I will never remove this hip bag from my body. I am in love!”

It all seems like a joke at first until you notice that your mission trip leader is still wearing that fanny pack a few months after the trip. And he has a name for it like “Roger.” And he fills its plethora of pockets with things he doesn’t need instant, constant access to like dental floss. The only thing you can do at that point is to gather the people that love him, get a pair of scissors to cut it off his waist and have a fanny pack intervention.

Stay alert, only you can prevent MTLFPS.

And fess up, have you ever worn a fanny pack?

(I did in junior high but it was like a mini fanny pack for your wrist and it was made by Hobie, and I was wicked cool.)

P.S. Thanks for the fun idea Jan.

That’s the title of a guest post I wrote for Matthew Paul Turner’s blog, Jesus Needs New PR. He’s doing something called “Sex Week,” a week long look at how Christians talk/think/feel/mess up/misunderstand/celebrate that thing called sex.

Click here if you want to check out what I wrote.

The contest is closed. Thanks so much for the great comments. I’ll have the five winners posted next week.

Bring your pens, because there is blank space galore in the new book, The Kingdom Experiment. Based on the Beatitudes, the book invites readers to try simple, creative ways to live intentionally. And on the pages within you’re encouraged to scribble and color and journal your way through the experience.

A few weeks ago, a guy named Chris Fabry out of Chicago had me on his radio show. He was incredibly cool and asked some great questions about the post “Thinking God will run out of welcome home banners.” We talked about grace and humor and all things Stuff Christians Like. I sound like I am about 13 years old and I think if you listen closely you can actually hear me start sweating when we take a few callers on the show.

Here’s the link. You can listen to it by clicking the red “Listen Now” link on the right side of this page. My segment begins at about the 13 minute mark.