Favorite Post #8. Subtly finding out if you drink beer too.
I am not a great debater. If you asked me to come to a debate, I would ask, “Is there an eagle on the panel?” You would reply no, and then I would decline your offer. I am OK with that, the goal of this site is not to debate or make my argument do verbal push ups and eat protein shakes until it gets strong enough to beat up your argument. The goal of the site is to instigate, to give you a hammer carved of pure sarcasm with which you can smash up old thoughts, ideas you accidentally inherited from your parents and all the other silly stuff we deal with as Christians.
That’s why I had to remix the post I wrote about alcohol.
This has been a fun, crazy couple of days at the SCL. (I call it “the SCL” because that sounds like “The OC” which makes me feel cooler than I really am.) A few months ago, the post about whether tattoos are sinful opened up a whole can of brightly colored worms. And then a few days later the post about the show, Family Guy, did the same thing. And I think that’s good.
I don’t have all the right answers. I wish I did, because I would grind them up and make a spray called “Cool Answer Cologne.” Then when your friend was confused about something you could just squirt them in the face until they understood. Or parents could mist their teenagers while they slept at night to make sure they did not get a cheek piercing. (which I am cool with)
But until I develop that cologne, I think it’s great we can disagree and argue and teach each other. And hopefully today’s post will give us all the opportunity to do that. Because as much as I like blogs where the writer debates you, that’s not what I’m here to do. I’m here to instigate.
Remix:
I think that there are a few divisional issues when it comes to the Christian faith in the year 2008. Some are big and deep, some are small and shallow, but all of them are ideas that we end up taking sides on. One of my favorite, is alcohol.
If you are a Christian that drinks a beer after mowing the lawn or has a glass of red wine, there is a tricky little game you play when you meet new Christians. It’s called “do these Christians drink too?”
The reason you play this game is not that you’re afraid of looking bad in front of people that don’t. I have friends that choose not to drink and they never get on me about having beer. They never try to choke hold for drinking wine. Not at all. But there are people that will leg drop you if they find out you drink. People that will say things like, “I really think all the bad things that happened to you are God punishing you for starting to drink wine.” (Real quote from a friend)
And there’s never been a good way to smoke these people out. A guide, as it were, to find out who is going to punch you in the face with a judgmental attitude and who is going to love you where you are regardless of what you are drinking. Until now.
This is the official Stuff Christians Like Subtle Guide to finding out if another Christian drinks too. (The OSCLSGTFOIACDT if you will)
1. The Garage Poke
Studies show that 78% of all Christians hide their beer in the garage when people they don’t know that well come over. OK, I conducted the study and the research methods are suspect at best, but trust me, it’s true. Make up an excuse to go to the garage and then poke around. Don’t snoop. Snooping is what the lady on “Murder She Wrote” did. Just poke, there’s a huge difference.
2. The Move
This one takes commitment. You either have to help them move or move yourself. Is selling your house and buying a new one worth discovering if your friend drinks too? Depends, how long are you expecting to know them? What, you don’t want to invest in them by faking a move across town? I guess you and I are different. The key is to see what type of moving boxes they use. People often go to liquor stores to get boxes when they move. Ask about the wine boxes they are using. If they say, “I had to go to that pit of hell liquor store for these,” do not offer them a Sam Adams Summer Ale.
3. The Key Chain
This one is much easier to execute. Just look at their key chain. If they have a bottle opener on it, you’re all set. No one ever drinks enough soda to need to carry a bottle opener around full time.
4. The Soda
Speaking of soda, bring a six pack of old school soda over as a housewarming gift. Make sure you bring bottles that have tops that will not unscrew. Then, watch carefully to see what they do next. Do they instantly go to the drawer where the bottle opener is? Do they seem familiar with it? Does it fit the contour of their hand easily from years of usage? Is there a picture of Bud Light’s dog, Spuds Mackenzie on it? They might drink beer if there is.
5. The Anything
When you are going to come over their house, call a few days before and offer to “bring anything you need, like drinks.” Make sure you stress the word “anything” over and over again. What is so great about this move is that it puts the pressure back on them. Now, they are faced with the decision to ask you to bring wine or Sprite. What will they say, what will they say? Oh the intrigue!
6. The Traveler
One of my favorite places on the planet is the Garage Cafe & Bar in Birmingham, Alabama. It’s an antique store built out of old horse stalls with a huge open courtyard that spills a sea of statues and period furniture under a blanket of white Christmas lights and dark sky. At night it’s a beautiful place to have a beer and feel poetic. If I tell you that story and the only words you hear are “bar” and “beer” then chances are we feel different about drinking. Tell a story about a place you’ve visited and see if the first reaction is, “A bar? You went to a bar? Do you think you’ll get a fold out couch bed in hell or a bunk bed when you go?”
7. The Ask
Just come on out and say, “did you know Sam Adams Summer Ale has grains of paradise in it? It’s a spice that someone felt deserved the name ‘grains of paradise.’ That’s like building a car and naming it, ‘super duper awesome bestest car in the world.’ Do you enjoy premium lager like I do?” It’s more direct but at least you won’t have to stage a fake move.
This is not about drunkenness. This is not about my friends that are alcoholics. This is not about getting hammered and pulling a “Noah.” I think things like that are clearly called referenced in the Bible. But does it say that a single drink is a sin? I read this today on a website, “There is more Scripture condemning the use of alcoholic beverages than will be found on the subjects of lying, adultery, swearing, cheating, hypocrisy, pride, or even blasphemy.” And then it said, “The Bible does teach total abstinence from alcohol. Both the main Hebrew word for wine and the Greek word for wine can mean either fermented grape juice or intoxicating wine.” Which was news to me.
But then it said “1 Corinthians 5:11 says if a Christian brother is a drinker, do not associate with him.” That seemed really strong until I read the actual verse, which reads, “But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler.”
I think there’s a big difference between “drinker” and “drunkard” and I don’t like that the five other characteristics of a sinful person are completely ignored by yanking “drinker” out of context. But I could easily be wrong.
But that’s my question for the day, is a single drink a sin? Is that something International Christians in other countries argue about? Is a glass of wine labeled wrong in the Bible?
Let’s talk.
