Based on the 782 commercials I’ve fast forwarded through on Tivo in the last three weeks, I’m pretty sure that a new season of American Idol begins tomorrow. (A 783rd ad would have confirmed my suspicion, but I’m comfortable making a guess.) The show itself is OK, but the best part is the audition process. Watching the 19 weeks of auditions that they now show is kind of like looking at a car crash between an 18 wheeler full of clowns and a mini cooper with two talented people in it. Somebody skilled is in there somewhere but you have to get through a lot of nonsense first.

But as exciting and weird as the American Idol audition process is, it’s no where near as fun as when a pastor interviewing to work at your church has to preach a one off sermon in front of the congregation. Have you ever experienced that? After meeting with the search committee and doing intensive interviews, the pastoral candidate is essentially handed the mic, or pulpit in this case, and told, “Go.”

That’s got to be nerve wracking for the pastor interviewing. This is it. You better lose yourself in the moment. You own it, you better never let it go. You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo. I think that’s what a long disappeared poet once said.

And it’s no easier for the audience. Are we supposed to over laugh at the jokes to encourage the minister like Paul Abdul heaping praise on even the worst singers, “It looks like you got your shoes on the right feet today, that is amazing. I love your shoed feet.” Or do you take the Randy Jackson tract, “I wasn’t feeling it dawg. The Bible is the living word of God and I didn’t feel those verses jumping off the page when you preached. It was a bit pitchy for me.” I’m not even going to get Simon into the mix because I just can’t rock shirts that tight.

Ultimately, it’s a pretty sweaty experience for all parties involved, but it doesn’t have to be. In fact, I think that if you ever let me audition for a pastoral position at your church, I would do four things that would change the entire service for all of us:

1. I’d preach part 2 of a 3 part sermon series.
Forget this one off nonsense. I’m coming in and preaching the second part of a three part series. I’m starting right in the middle of the conversation. You want to hear the dramatic conclusion? You want to know how this Biblical cliffhanger of a sermon ends? Curious about where the series began, or what I would call the “prequel?” You’d have to invite me back to preach again. Brilliant move.

2. I’d bring a heckler to unite the crowd.
Nothing brings a crowd together faster then a shared enemy. So I’d bring my own heckler. I’d have him wear a fake beard and an eye patch and start shouting out things mid sermon. I’d ignore him at first but then I’d stop and tell him that I was here to preach the word of God and if preaching the word of God was wrong, I didn’t want to be right. People would probably clap at that because clearly, I’m bold. Then when the heckler threw a tomato at me and they saw me juke out of the way, they’d clap because they respected my cat like reflexes. And when the heckler got dragged out by some ushers, they’d probably give me a standing ovation.

3. I wouldn’t hug any of the members of the pastoral search committee after I spoke.
That never goes well for contestants on American Idol. The majority of people that hug Paula Abdul after they audition are thinking to themselves, “Whoa, I can’t sing. I mean I felt like singing a Celine Dion song was well within my vocal range but apparently I suck. I’ll awkwardly approach the judge’s table for a hug while the massive bodyguards off camera circle like grizzly bears. At least I’ll be able to tell people I hugged Paula Abdul.” Hugging Paula Abdul after you sing your audition is the kiss of death. I have to imagine that if I finished my sermon and immediately ran through the aisles to hug the members of the pastoral search committee that would reek of the same desperation.

4. I wouldn’t try to breakdance.
Whenever someone on American Idol says, “I can also dance,” what they mean is, “I’m bad at more than one thing.” If you can’t sing, don’t ever try to save yourself with some pop n’ lock. Same goes with playing an instrument during your church sermon audition. If the church is hiring you to be a pastor, don’t bring your recorder (worst instrument ever) to the audition and say, “I thought I would open with a medley of contemporary songs played on my cream colored recorder.” If I ever got the sense that the crowd wasn’t feeling my sermon I would resist the urge to bust into the robot. Don’t get me wrong, I would still make my way offstage and out a side door by doing the worm the whole time, but that’s how I travel most places.

Hopefully, this is the kind of post that will change my generation or at the very least reduce the percent of pastoral candidates that feel the sweaty urge to breakdance in the middle of a church audition. If I can do that, today was a success.

Question:
Are you watching American Idol this year?

Recently, my cousin asked me to think about writing for his film based website, wired4film. I’m going to, but first I need to figure out how to get Christopher Walken and Christian Bale (I’m a huge Newsies fan) to star in the Stuff Christians Like movie.

That sounds completely ridiculous, but a few months ago someone that works for Universal Studios contacted me about what a SCL screenplay might look like. I immediately said, “You’re going to need a lot of eagles, Skittles and a character named ‘leg dropper.’” I didn’t say that, but I should have. I doubt anything will come of it, but it was still a blast to brainstorm a little with this person about what angle we could take if we turned this blog into a movie.

So that’s what I’d love to talk about today, movies. What have you seen lately that you love? What are your favorites? (You have to say Princess Bride for at least one of your answers.) If you were going to craft the ultimate Christian movie what would it contain?

Let’s talk about movies.

(My favorites)
1. Good Will Hunting
2. Princess Bride
3. Beautiful Girls
4. Dead Poet’s Society
5. Love Actually (On television)
6. Fight Club (Although I regularly throw that one away after a retreat)
7. Boondock Saints
8. Man on Fire

(If you ever read the comments on Stuff Christians Like, then you know and quite possibly love Nick the Geek. He is a machine and is consistently making folks laugh and think within the SCL comment-o-sphere. I asked him to sit in today and talk about a subject I just don’t know anything about, helping teenagers decide which line of ministry to go into. Skateboards, things that are “phat” and “wicked phresh” I can do that all day. Clearly. But this one is all Nick.)

As a Youth Pastor I am tasked with helping guide teens as they choose the paths they will take into adulthood. Of course, as a minister my first thought is that all of them need to be in ministry. The problem is deciding exactly what kind of ministry God is calling them into. It is easy to plug them into Youth or Children’s ministry because they work well in those places right now, but many of them will grow up and won’t fit into those roles soon enough. One must consider the whole personality and future goals before you can accurately tell them what ministry God has called them too. To that end I have made this simple test.

Each category will have a set of yes or no questions. If you answer yes to most of those questions then you should consider that God has created you for a given ministry.

Senior Pastor
1. Do you know where the secret bathroom is?
2. Do you want to own a Cadillac?
3. Do you often get annoyed at how childish your Youth pastor acts?
4. Do you consider the church pot luck fine dining?
5. Do you own more than 5 suits?
6. Is your motto, “When two or more have gathered take up an offering?”
7. Do you have your own special version of math that involves rounding everything by large sums?

Youth Pastor
1. Do you feel that growing up is an option?
2. Is your motto, “it’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt … then it’s freakin’ hilarious?”
3. Do you dream of, or own, a motorcycle?
4. Is your idea of dressing up wearing the clothes from the clean clothes pile?
5. Is your idea of waking up early to pray involve PM?
6. Have you ever stirred orange drink with your arm?
7. Is sarcasm your native language?

Children’s Pastor
1. Do you think Youth Pastors are a bit uptight?
2. Does going to your happy place involve imagining noise that would drown out Niagara Falls?
3. Have you ever used the phrase “magic for Jesus” in a non ironic manner?
4. Have you ever been diagnosed with ADHD?
5. Do you get to bed early on Friday so you can wake up for Saturday morning cartoons?
6. Do you have the theme songs to more than 5 children’s shows memorized?
7. Do you sing them around others?
8. Is your motto, “what, I can’t hear you?”

Worship Leader?
1. Do you own more than 3 pair of Pumas?
2. Can you keep complex counts in multiples of 2s, 3s, and 4s but can’t remember how many times in a row you’ve sung a song?
3. Do you own stock in any hair product companies?
4. Do you own any pants that cost more than $100?
5. Do you like to toss “and” into random places in sentences?
6. Is your motto, “let’s sing it one more time?”
7. For guys: have you ever considered wearing women’s jeans?
8. Are you willing to fight people over dissing your style of music?
9. Are you the guy that always has a guitar?
10. During Our God is an Awesome God do you spontaneously start miming out “rolling up His sleeves?”

Evangelist
1. Is your motto, “the family that travels together sings together?”
2. Do you imagine your future wife with blue hair? (For women, do you ever secretly want to rock the blue hair look?)
3. Is your voice set permanently on LOUD?
4. Can you tell the same story 100 times?
5. Have you ever squeezed blood from a turnip?

Missionary
1. Is your motto “I’ll eat anything once?”
2. Do you speak more than one language?
3. Do you think James Bond would have made an awesome missionary?
4. Do you think sleeping under mosquito netting covered in insects as large as your fist is romantic?
5. Do you love fanny packs?
6. Do you consider indoor plumbing and electricity to be a modern annoyance?
Bonus question, if you answer yes to this then you are called to missions regardless of all previous answers: Have you ever drank the water while on a missions trip in a third world country and suffered no ill effects?

Now, since not everyone here is in fulltime vocational ministry it is up to you to decide if you are ready to finally listen to God. Maybe you have teens that need to here this so they can get into the right ministry.

Nothing is worse than ending up in the wrong ministry. Imagine being a Senior Pastor when you should have been in the mission’s field. You will be constantly searching for new and strange foods. During the middle of a sermon an insect will walk across your little tall table and instead of thinking, “we need to get the exterminator,” you will have to resist the urge to chomp down. Then you’ll look out in the congregation and find it odd that everyone is dressed from the waist up. That’s no way to live.

So figure it out now before it’s too late.

Where is God calling you? Have I missed any questions? Share your own experiences.

(For more from Nick the Geek, check out his blog.)

Dang you Ben Washer. He’s a friend of mine and recently emailed me a great idea for Stuff Christians Like. “You should do a post on Christian couples that share one email address.”

Perfect, I thought, that’s such a silly thing to do. How archaic, how old school fundamentalist is that? Sharing an email address with your wife as if the two of you are standing out in cyberspace holding hands in front of a Thomas Kinkade painting waving, “ya’ll come back now, you hear.” There was only one problem with that idea though, my wife and I do that.

Our email address is theacuffs@yahoo.com.

We leaved and cleaved our separate email addresses and lit a unity candle on yahoo that burns brightly throughout the virtual landscape.

I am that cheesy guy I wanted to poke fun at, but in my defense, there are three things I should say:

1. Our email address is normal.
We created that address 8 years ago when we got married. We decided that “theacuffs” was what you might see on the side of our mailbox. We didn’t come up with something like “theacuffsaresoinlove” or “truelovewaitsandcelebrateswhenjonandjennyfellinlove” or “Jennyssnugglepandaisjon.” We went straight forward and direct.

2. We don’t read each other’s emails.
Because I’ve been upfront about my personal experiences with porn and have sponsored some guys going through recovery programs in the past, I get some crazy emails. My wife gets a lot of personal emails from the Community Bible Study she leads. We are both cool with keeping those unread in the inbox until we’re able to deal with them privately. Jenny’s got her space. I’ve got mine.

3. We offset the whole thing by not dressing alike.
Rarely, I mean rarely, will you see us in matching homemade Thanksgiving sweaters that have cornucopias spilling their bounty across the tummy with plastic fruit hand knitted on for a 3D effect. We only do that maybe six, seven times a year at most. So having that boundary, a word we learned in counseling, keeps us pretty hip.

All in all, it works for us. I don’t think it’s some sort of mandatory thing that everyone has to do though. I mean sure, I’ll probably have a slightly bigger house than you in heaven with a slightly easier to fold up ping pong table but I’ll invite you over sometimes to use it. Just email me at theacuffs@yahoo.com, where I’m in love, holding my wife’s cyber hand tenderly.

If Men’s Health magazine was true, you would never need to buy more than one issue. If the articles that promised flat abs and less stress and better sex really worked as promised, you’d never need to have a subscription because every issue is the exact same thing. This was the thought I had while standing at the magazine rack at Wal-Mart watching my daughters read My Little Pony books. (Long live Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie by the way. Toola-Roola is a punk. I don’t even know what Toola-Roola is into, at least Rainbow Dash is all about rainbows.)

As I stood there though, I noticed something else kind of weird. The promises that the front cover of men’s magazines make were eerily similar to the promises that the back cover of Christian books make. So I thought it might be fun to play a little guessing game and see if you can figure out which is which:

1. “Build your perfect life and strip away stress for good”
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

2. “The Secret to Effortless Success”
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

3. “Total Health Starts Here”
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

4. “967 Secrets of Happiness”
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

5. “Supercharge Your Brain”
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

6. “Keep Yourself Happy”
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

7. “Gain control over your mind”
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

8. “Uncover the proven process that will lead to a life of success and total fulfillment”
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

9. “The Anatomy of a Successful Life”
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

10. “Stress Proof Your Brain “
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

11. “Living Life without Limits”
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

12. “10 keys to fulfilling your destiny”
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

13. “10 Essential Success Secrets”
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

14. “Hold on to your hair – 5 new cures”
A. Front Cover of Men’s Magazine
B. Back Cover of Christian Book

OK, that last one was easy, but it reminded me of that Richard Marx song, “Hold on to the Night” and I promised myself I’d make at least three Richard Marx references on this site in 2009, sooooo one down. (Click here for the answers to the quiz.)

I didn’t use the titles of the books because I’m not trying to denigrate those authors. I haven’t read what’s inside the books and ultimately, I’m not sure what this little exercise means. But standing there that day in the midst of My Little Pony land, seeing how similar the two types of headlines were, and knowing that publishers of both items used those sentences because they knew those would motivate people to buy the products, I had to question my own motivations.

Am I that different from the world?

I’ve got God, the very power of Christ inside of me, shouldn’t my desires be different and not so interchangeable?

Do I ever go to God with a laundry list of better demands? Give me a better marriage, a better ministry, a better life, a better job, a better everything?

Do I chase the blessings of God sometimes more than the presence?

Do I ever treat God like a really good self help guru that is there to meet my needs?

Do I look weird scribbling this all down in a small moleskine notebook by the magazine rack in Wal-Mart?

Yes, yes I do. But I don’t want God to simply be a new vehicle for the things I want. I want God to be what I want.

I want Him to be enough.

It didn’t have to come to this.

I thought, “surely, no one will wear Bluetooth earpieces at church.” It can’t happen. But then I started to see them pop up all over town and I got nervous that they would eventually infiltrate our sanctuaries. Then I got an email from a friend that said during her Christmas candlelight service, there was a small blinking light emitting from the dark amidst the warm glow of candles. Blink, blink went the Bluetooth earpiece of someone wearing it. Blink, blink went my horrible trend emerging warning light.

Even after hearing that story I was planning to put my head in the sand and ostrich the whole thing away. But then I got a Bluetooth earpiece for Christmas. My father-in-law re-gifted me one and suddenly I was confronted with the opportunity to become “that guy.” And it’s easy, it’s such a subtle slide to becoming the guy that wears it all the time. Here’s what goes through your head:

Monday
“This thing is kind of cheesy, but I have to admit, it’s so simple to use. I just hit one button on my ear and I’m talking to people. That’s great. And it makes me feel like I’m in the secret service or some sort of international spy.”

Wednesday
“I love this thing. But where do I keep it when I’m not using it? They don’t give you a satchel when you get one. I need some sort of caddy to place this thing in when I go inside Wal-Mart. I don’t want to just leave it in the car. I guess I have to wear it inside.”

Thursday
“Wow, this isn’t so bad at all. Not only did I wear it at Wal-Mart, but I also wore it in the bank and Starbucks and at the gas station. It’s so much easier then taking it on and off all day.”

Sunday
“Oh shoot, I’m walking into church and forgot to take this Bluetooth earpiece off. I hate having things in my pocket. Maybe I’ll just leave it on. It’s not like I’m going to answer calls or anything. It’s kind of like a cool fashion accessory for your face. It’s like an earring that also receives calls. It’s cool right?”

No, no it’s not. It’s decidedly not cool to wear your Bluetooth earpiece at church. Here’s why:

1. It completely throws off the meet and greet time.
Are you on the phone right now? The pastor said we should be shaking hands with the people around us but I’m not sure if you’re having a conversation with me or someone in your ear. I’m going to lean in for the hand shake but unless you make eye contact with me I’m going to bailout at the last second and shake the hand of the guy behind you because I think you might be on a phone call right this second.

2. You look like your waiting for a better offer.
Whenever someone blackberries or starts texting on their iPhone in the middle of a conversation we’re having I naturally assume they just received a better offer than whatever I was throwing down. Like maybe I wasn’t being funny enough or interesting enough or didn’t offer as many cool apps and they suddenly realized, “Whoa, I can instantly end this average conversation and escape to a world of fantastical Internet proportions but not feel guilty because physically I’m still here.” And I’m pretty sure that’s how God feels when He sees you wearing a Bluetooth earpiece at church. Like maybe you’re waiting to see if the sermon starts to slip and if it does, it’s Bluetooth time baby.

3. Your one step closer to becoming “that guy.”
Constant exposure to the earpiece is one of the ways the insidious folks at the Bluetooth Cartel get you. The longer you wear it, the more you start to believe that perhaps getting a phone chip surgically implanted in ear is actually a good idea. Next thing you know, you’re getting a bar code, we’re all shaving our heads and wearing aerodynamic gray leotards and drinking test tubes of bright yellow energy drink while sitting on cold, white, Lucite furniture from Design Within Reach. You think I’m joking but don’t blame me when life becomes like the movie “the Island” starring Hollywood’s Ewan McGregor. (I just referenced a movie 19 people saw and a fairly obscure home décor catalog. Odd.)

Perhaps this is just another silly exaggeration at the hands of a silly blogger, but I assure you I am not joking about the impact of Bluetooth earpieces on the rightness of the world. My wife and I made a pact when I got mine for Christmas. She’s promised to punch me in the face if I ever get even close to becoming that guy. That’s how deep our love runs.

On Wednesday, January 14th, the Stuff Christians Like Book Club or SCLBC starts.

Every few weeks, I’ll post some ideas on a section of a book we’re reading and then we’ll all post comments to discuss what we liked or didn’t like. We’ll hold the SCLBC (which kind of sounds like something Snoop Dogg would be down with) on prodigaljon.com so as not to interrupt the Stuff Christians Like flow.

First book up, Crazy Loveby Francis Chan. There’s still time to buy it on Amazonor a million other places and read the first chapters before next Wednesday.

My hope is that once this thing gets bigger than Oprah’s book club, which will probably take a week or two, we’ll be able to get the publisher to send us all free copies and maybe have the author join the conversation.

I’ll remind you again later, but let’s meet on prodigaljon.com on Wednesday, January 14th to talk about the first two chapters. If the first book goes well maybe we’ll talk about doing chat down the road but for this first one let’s keep it simple and stick to comments.

What do you think? Want to read a few books together this year? You in?

I hope your pastor got the memo that because of the economic crisis, we’re all supposed to start the New Year with a sermon series on money. The message was sent by dove and that dove was gorgeous. Not at all like those grimy ones that hang around my house and are going to turn me into the cops when I trap the squirrels in my yard because they are baaaccckkkk, which only happened because I told my Peruvian neighbor that there was a hole in his roof and a family of squirrels living there through a series of animated hand gestures since I forgot the Spanish for “there is a family of squirrels living in your roof.” And he closed up the hole which means they are going to try to return to my house and move on up like the Jeffersons. (Breathe Jon. Be cool. It’s a New Year. We were going to be laser focused in 2009 and you are rambling because you’re so excited to write again. Be cool.)

But when the financial series is over you’re probably going to be tempted to do a series on the ABC show Lost. That’s understandable. It’s a really popular show. It’s broad enough that you can tie a spiritual message to it and it’s been on hiatus for what feels like 319 weeks so anticipation is building for its return in January. But lots of churches have already done a Lost themed sermon series. In fact they’ve done a lot of different shows like Desperate Housewives, the Office and 24. I think it might be time for some new shows we can transholyize into sermons. Here are a few I would like to see:

1. Survivor Man
There are essentially two versions of this show and I’m not talking about the one where the guy that looks like a model gets dropped into the wild. I’m talking about the grittier one where the guy that looks like he could be your plumber crashes into the wilderness and has to survive without a camera crew or food or a blow up mattress for seven days.

Sermon Application:
The obvious thing to do some sort of “men are warriors and life is a jungle and here’s how to survive” angle. Instead I would do something about what it takes to ignite a fire for God in our communities based on the 37 ways the host of this show teaches you how to start a fire in the woods. I’d skip the one where he uses the sparks from shooting a rifle to ignite his kindling because that just seemed like an awesome way to shoot yourself in the big toe. You could give everyone in the crowd a piece of flint that had the great commission printed on it and call it a day.

2. House:
This Doctor’s depth of sarcasm makes me seem straight forward and direct. Every week he solves crazy medical mysteries with his wit and deep wisdom, while dealing with a somewhat bumbling staff.

Sermon Application:
One word: Moses. I think you do a series that relates Moses to Doctor Gregory House. You think traveling around in the desert for forty years with millions of grumbling Israelites wouldn’t make you a little sarcastic and sharp tongued? Think about the scene in Exodus 32 where Moses comes down from the mountain and finds everyone worshipping Baal and Aaron tries to tell him the golden calf magically sprang out of the fire.

Moses: “I was gone for like two seconds, two seconds and this is how you get down when I’m out of town?”
Aaron: “It wasn’t me! I just threw the gold in the fire and out came a golden calf.”
Moses: “Really? That’s the best you can come up with? I threw some gold in a fire and voila, golden calf? You are killing me. God brought you along to be my mouthpiece because I have a problem with speaking and that’s the genius logic your wicked fast mouth was able to come up with? Ugh, we are so going to get poison snaked one day, they are going to rain down from the sky, I just know it.”

3. Amazing Race:
I call this show “Amazing Panic Attack” because that’s what it gives me whenever my wife watches it. So you’re telling me I get to watch an hour of people missing their flights at the airport and not being able to hail cabs in the rain as they claw their way through sleep deprivation on an international quest for money? Awesome.

Sermon Application:
This has Jonah written all over it. He gets the word from God that he’s supposed to go “love on” Nineveh and he bolts. He immediately goes on his own Amazing Race. And unlike CBS which is constantly putting people on rickshaws or motorcycles or camels, Jonah’s adventure includes a ride inside a whale. Inside. That’s great sermon television right there.

4. 30 Rock
Fine, I’ll say it, 30 Rock is the new Office. I didn’t want it to be, I didn’t think it would be, but it is. You can even ask your friend that’s usually about three years late to any pop culture reference and told you the other day that he recently got a “Myface page.” Even he’ll tell you the same thing, 30 Rock is the funniest show on television right now.

Sermon Application:
Since the show is based on a behind the scenes look at a television show being made, you could probably do a three part series on a behind the scenes look at how the church works. Alec Baldwin’s power struggle character could be an elder trying to secretly control the church. Tina Fey’s character could be the quirky, but cool communications leader that is trying to get a year’s worth of church marketing done with a budget of $14. And Tracy Morgan’s crazy character could be, I don’t know who he could be, but if they made a 24 hour Tracy Morgan channel I would never sleep.

5. Intervention
Whoa, right turn out of nowhere. We’re joking about silly television and then all of the sudden we take a curve ball into seriousville. In this A&E show we see the pain and heartache of addiction as families intervene with loved ones.

Sermon Application:
God staged the ultimate intervention.

6. ABC Extreme Home Makeover
Some churches have done this one, but I don’t know if they added the twist I think we need. In this program, ABC finds a family with a desperate situation and builds them a new house. At the end of the show they have the family wait behind a huge bus and then yell, “Bus driver, move that bus!” at which point the new house is revealed. If you don’t cry at this show you might be dead inside.

Sermon Application:
None really, I just want us to take a note from this show when we do our baptisms. Let’s bring a bus in the sanctuary. I saw Lanny Donoho do it at Catalyst so I know it’s possible. We’ll park it in front of the baptismal. Then we’ll show a video where the person tells you how horrible their life used to be and then everyone in the congregation will yell, “Bus driver, move that bus!” The bus will lumber away, we’ll see the person, who Biblically speaking is a new creation, and we’ll all cry. I would anyway.

Those are my ideas although I also really want to see a sermon version of the show “The Soup” but that’s only because I’m trying to be the Christian Joel McHale.

Has your church done a television themed sermon?

What show would you like to see turned into a sermon?

Wow, great feedback last week on whether “Massages during church” should be included in the book. Some folks loved it, some said it was average. Thanks for being honest.

Today, I thought I’d do a short stack of essays, with three micro ideas instead of one long rambling essay. If you could only choose two of these three, which two would you put in the book? Pretend it’s a no holds barred cage match, which two are walking out?

(My hope is that I can fit all three, but I’ve put this book on a crash diet and have it running on a treadmill with a piano and a small Shetland pony strapped to its back and Jillian from the show Biggest Loser yelling at it. “You think, you’re good enough to be printed? You think you’re paper worthy? Is that what you think? You gotta be funnier than that! You gotta want it!” I am weird.)

Essay #1 – Using “let me pray about it” as a synonym for “no.”
I love when someone asks us to help out at church and instead of saying, “no” we say, “Let me pray about it.” Really? I asked you to help me clean up tomorrow night after the youth group and you feel like that’s something you need to run passed the Savior of the world? He’s going to give you the thumbs up or thumbs down on whether or not you can help me stack chairs for seven minutes?

Sure, there are lots of situations that call for a “pause while I pray” response. But I think that 37% of the time when we say “let me pray about it” we are just saying that so we can delay the rejection and can later email the person a big no instead of doing it in person.

Essay #2 – Love Offerings
A love offering is kind of a “volunteer offering” the church takes up during special occasions like when a puppet group from Guam (named “Strings of Mercy”) is performing at your church. It’s really not that voluntary though because if you don’t contribute anything you’re essentially telling everyone that your heart is not full of love. By not putting a couple of bucks in the offering plate you’re actually putting in a big fistful of hate. I wish when the ushers collected a love offering they would say out loud when someone didn’t give, “Oh, you don’t have any love for the magical world of puppetry? I guess love your neighbor doesn’t include puppeteers? Fine.”

Essay #3 – Church names that sound like designer clothing stores.
My cousin attends a church called “Warehouse 242.” There’s another church in his area called, “Elevation.” In Durham, North Carolina there’s a church simply called “The Summit.” I’m not sure when it happened, but at some point we started naming our churches after stores that sell designer jeans. And I’m cool with that. I don’t think you have to name something the “Back to the Bible Holiness Church” which is outside of Atlanta in case you want to attend.

I think it might be a great thing to have a funky name because it opens up some good conversations with people. Imagine you’re at work on Monday and someone says, “What’d you do this weekend?” You can reply “I hung out at Elevation.” Your friend will then say, “Is that the new salsa/techno/hip hop/Southern Cambodian traditional dance club? I’ve heard the girls in that place are ridiculous.” At which point you can then say, “No, it’s a church” and then proceed to share the entire gospel with him and possibly baptize him in the break room sink.

OK, it might not go down exactly that way, but at the bare minimum, saying you went to “Elevation” is going to at least keep the conversation rolling and possibly even raise some questions. If you said, “I went to ‘God is Awesome, Praise Sweet Baby Jesus Cathedral of Hope and Light’ over the weekend,” your friend might throw an imaginary smoke bomb and climb out of a window to get out of the conversation. Which is never a good thing.

(A few weeks ago, a reader told me that someone had written a hilarious post about what it takes to be a wicked awesome Stuff Christians Like commenter. That sounded too funny to be true, but it wasn’t. A guy named Matt with a site called thechurchofnopeople.com did indeed write a really funny post about commenting on SCL. I thought it was great and hope you will to. Without further ado, here’s a guest post from Matt.)

It’s a great honor to be writing to you as just one ordinary SCL fan. There sure are a bunch of us, aren’t there? Jon’s a great guy to share his stage with me.

What were we doing with ourselves a year ago without Stuff Christians Like? Today, I want to talk about us, the readers and comment-posters of SCL. These days, there are a lot of people here who love to read SCL six days a week and even better, post comments on what Jon is saying. It’s now literally something that belongs in the great pile of stuff Christians like (lowercase sCl). We like to play his little games, take his quizzes, and shout out our own ideas. And on the days Jon just ‘preaches,’ we’re all just reduced to little virtual piles of blubbering emotions and tears of wonder and awe for all the beauty that is Jon. I can literally hear the whimpers of joy coming through some comments if I turn up the sound on my computer.

As loyal SCL disciples, we’ve been trained well by numerous subliminal trigger words, designed to make the urge to comment irresistible. I think it’s been documented that 47% of you cannot resist the impulse to post a comment when the word ‘skittles’ is subtly presented to you.

Like that one, right there…

It’s now the season for New Year’s resolutions. Maybe your resolution is to pump up or read a book. Well add a much more important item to that list: the resolution to be the biggest, best SCL comment-poster ever!

Some of you are new here and don’t even know where to begin on that tall order. Others have been pumping their commenting muscles here at club-SCL for a long time, but you need a little coaching to take your commenting to the next level. The best way to start a gym routine is a BMI/fitness test to know how in shape (or out of shape) you are and set some goals. I’ve got a test to help you know just how great a commenter you really are:

The official point system of SCL comment-poster fitness:

1. Your daily morning ritual includes checking and commenting on today’s SCL post, and then possibly getting dressed and going to work = +1 point

2. You have awakened earlier than you need to at least once, for the purpose of commenting before anyone else = +2 points

3. You comment while at work, which is stealing from your employer = -1 point

4. You comment while at work, and then dock your own pay for the time you used = +2 points

5. You comment while at work…on someone else’s computer = +3 points

6. You comment ‘anonymously,’ which is like being a ‘back-row Baptist’ = -2 points

7. You ‘define’ the made-up verification word = +1 point

8. You recall in a word or two a past entry or running joke because you are part of the SCL ‘in crowd’ = +1 point

9. You spend at least five minutes wracking your brain, trying to come up with a funny or clever comment to impress Jon = +2 points.

10. You consult your spouse to try to come up with a funny or clever comment = -1 point

11. In desperation, you consult your children to try to come up with a funny or clever comment = -3 points

12. Defeated, you give up trying to come up with a funny or clever comment, and just tell Jon he’s awesome/handsome = +1 point

13. You actually do get a comment back from Jon, making the sun shine a little brighter for the rest of the day = +3 points

14. You take credit for your spouse or child’s cleverness after it wins Jon’s praises = -3 points

15. After 27 hours of wracking your brain, when you least suspect it, your coworkers hear you suddenly slap your desk and scream inarticulately as the perfect comment to yesterday’s post finally dawns on you = +1 point

16. Feeling inadequate about your score on a ‘quiz’ day, you comment about the reasons you should receive extra credit = +1 point

17. You try to award yourself completely inordinate amounts of extra credit = -2 points

18. Of course, you’ll buy the upcoming SCL book, scribble comments all over the pages, and then proudly mail it to Jon for his approval = +5 points

19. Along with comments, you’ll decorate your SCL book with doodles, glitter, googly eyes, stickers, pom poms, goldfish crackers, generic cookies, and any other leftover VBS razzle dazzle you can score…and then proudly mail it to Jon for his approval = +5 points

How did you score?

16 points or higher = You’re awesome and everyone knows it. There is almost as much razzle dazzle in your comments as in Jon’s original posts.
6-15 points = You should make a New Year’s resolution to pump up your commenting. You have lacked the discipline necessary to be a true master. Now drop and give me 10 comments!
Less than 5 points = You should start slow and light. Your scrawny commenting muscles are not fully developed and you risk injury by going too fast.

(For more great stuff from Matt, make sure you check out www.thechurchofnopeople.com)