#464. The official point system of SCL commenter fitness.

(A few weeks ago, a reader told me that someone had written a hilarious post about what it takes to be a wicked awesome Stuff Christians Like commenter. That sounded too funny to be true, but it wasn’t. A guy named Matt with a site called thechurchofnopeople.com did indeed write a really funny post about commenting on SCL. I thought it was great and hope you will to. Without further ado, here’s a guest post from Matt.)

It’s a great honor to be writing to you as just one ordinary SCL fan. There sure are a bunch of us, aren’t there? Jon’s a great guy to share his stage with me.

What were we doing with ourselves a year ago without Stuff Christians Like? Today, I want to talk about us, the readers and comment-posters of SCL. These days, there are a lot of people here who love to read SCL six days a week and even better, post comments on what Jon is saying. It’s now literally something that belongs in the great pile of stuff Christians like (lowercase sCl). We like to play his little games, take his quizzes, and shout out our own ideas. And on the days Jon just ‘preaches,’ we’re all just reduced to little virtual piles of blubbering emotions and tears of wonder and awe for all the beauty that is Jon. I can literally hear the whimpers of joy coming through some comments if I turn up the sound on my computer.

As loyal SCL disciples, we’ve been trained well by numerous subliminal trigger words, designed to make the urge to comment irresistible. I think it’s been documented that 47% of you cannot resist the impulse to post a comment when the word ‘skittles’ is subtly presented to you.

Like that one, right there…

It’s now the season for New Year’s resolutions. Maybe your resolution is to pump up or read a book. Well add a much more important item to that list: the resolution to be the biggest, best SCL comment-poster ever!

Some of you are new here and don’t even know where to begin on that tall order. Others have been pumping their commenting muscles here at club-SCL for a long time, but you need a little coaching to take your commenting to the next level. The best way to start a gym routine is a BMI/fitness test to know how in shape (or out of shape) you are and set some goals. I’ve got a test to help you know just how great a commenter you really are:

The official point system of SCL comment-poster fitness:

1. Your daily morning ritual includes checking and commenting on today’s SCL post, and then possibly getting dressed and going to work = +1 point

2. You have awakened earlier than you need to at least once, for the purpose of commenting before anyone else = +2 points

3. You comment while at work, which is stealing from your employer = -1 point

4. You comment while at work, and then dock your own pay for the time you used = +2 points

5. You comment while at work…on someone else’s computer = +3 points

6. You comment ‘anonymously,’ which is like being a ‘back-row Baptist’ = -2 points

7. You ‘define’ the made-up verification word = +1 point

8. You recall in a word or two a past entry or running joke because you are part of the SCL ‘in crowd’ = +1 point

9. You spend at least five minutes wracking your brain, trying to come up with a funny or clever comment to impress Jon = +2 points.

10. You consult your spouse to try to come up with a funny or clever comment = -1 point

11. In desperation, you consult your children to try to come up with a funny or clever comment = -3 points

12. Defeated, you give up trying to come up with a funny or clever comment, and just tell Jon he’s awesome/handsome = +1 point

13. You actually do get a comment back from Jon, making the sun shine a little brighter for the rest of the day = +3 points

14. You take credit for your spouse or child’s cleverness after it wins Jon’s praises = -3 points

15. After 27 hours of wracking your brain, when you least suspect it, your coworkers hear you suddenly slap your desk and scream inarticulately as the perfect comment to yesterday’s post finally dawns on you = +1 point

16. Feeling inadequate about your score on a ‘quiz’ day, you comment about the reasons you should receive extra credit = +1 point

17. You try to award yourself completely inordinate amounts of extra credit = -2 points

18. Of course, you’ll buy the upcoming SCL book, scribble comments all over the pages, and then proudly mail it to Jon for his approval = +5 points

19. Along with comments, you’ll decorate your SCL book with doodles, glitter, googly eyes, stickers, pom poms, goldfish crackers, generic cookies, and any other leftover VBS razzle dazzle you can score…and then proudly mail it to Jon for his approval = +5 points

How did you score?

16 points or higher = You’re awesome and everyone knows it. There is almost as much razzle dazzle in your comments as in Jon’s original posts.
6-15 points = You should make a New Year’s resolution to pump up your commenting. You have lacked the discipline necessary to be a true master. Now drop and give me 10 comments!
Less than 5 points = You should start slow and light. Your scrawny commenting muscles are not fully developed and you risk injury by going too fast.

(For more great stuff from Matt, make sure you check out www.thechurchofnopeople.com)