#462. Making Christian-Flavored Resolutions

It’s that time of year again, time to make some Christian-flavored resolutions. (What exactly is Christian flavor? A lot of people guess it’s similar to the taste of goldfish or the smell of old hymnals. Nope, it’s myrrh. Christian flavor is myrrh, a word which has become the new ninja for me. I went through a brief period on this site where every other sentence contained the phrase “like a ninja.” I didn’t just write, I wrote “like a ninja.” I didn’t pray, I prayed “like a ninja.” It was embarrassing. I had to have a ninja intervention. I promise I’ll retire myrrh on my own though. I don’t really even have a problem. I can stop anytime I want I just haven’t wanted to stop. Come on, give me until January. I promise, I can change. Things are going to be different this time.)

I don’t know what resolutions you’ve made this year. That’s not true. I know three of them. Read the Bible more. Pray more. Spend more time with God. You have to have those unless you’re hoping to be a sweatier Philistine this year. Is that what you’re shooting for? Less Bible reading? Spending less time in prayer? Completely punking God? You should be ashamed of yourself.

But if you’ve already got those three resolutions mastered, might I suggest a few from the:

Stuff Christians Like list o’ Christian Resolutions

1. Put the devil on notice more often.

2. Throw at least one movie, CD, or book away and not repurchase it three weeks later when my temporary guilt has worn off.

3. Win the “please turn to” Bible verse race every Sunday.

4. Be the silver medal friend that isn’t good enough to be in the wedding party but instead is asked to read “Love is patient” during the ceremony.

5. Read a one year walk through the entire Bible plan in roughly two years.

6. Master the “Stop that” church hand grab in case my kids ever act up during service.

7. Keep kids at camp or in the youth group from “making purple.”

8. Become a pro at the “whisper of importance” that sly trick we all do when it’s time to break it on down with a serious message.

9. Refuse to use the word “postmodern” in every sentence I speak.

10. Crush all foes in the “VBS Decorating Wars.”

11. Rededicate my life. Again. No this time I’m serious, it is on.

12. Find more subtle ways to discover if I’m with a Christian that will also drink a glass of wine or a pint of beer.

13. Look more spiritual, more in love and more generous at church. (Hint, don’t let your wife knit.)

14. Help tall people get baptized with less awkwardness.

15. Find someone that will paint my mural.

16. Get a holier email address and quit using Godisgoodandbeautiful777@yahoo

17. Retire the Michael Phelps sermon illustration.

18. Write better Christian hate mail.

19. Shine up less scars.

20. Fishbowl a church drummer.

21. Say “Razzle Dazzle” 22% more or stop telling people I’ll pray for them and then not.

Those are mine for the year, but it’s entirely possible I missed one. What are your resolutions for 2009?