#426. Upward basketball
My only role on our championship winning eighth grade basketball team was to organize games of tag on the playground before practice started.
It wasn’t an official role, but I like to think maybe that got the players that were good at basketball warmed up for practice and that the coach secretly appreciated my playground skills.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m talking about serious games of tag. The kind where the ground is considered lava or shark infested water or the ultimate, “shark infested lava” and you’re out automatically if you touch it. And you have to jump and swing and plan strategic escape moves on monkey bars. I ran a top notch tag program, which is fortunate given how bottom notch my basketball skills were.
I played less than 2 minutes the entire season and remember sitting on the floor during some games behind the players that got chairs. After our one loss that year, the coach actually said on the bus ride home, “Well the one bright spot is that everyone got to play.” A few players immediately responded, “Acuff didn’t play.” The coach slapped his forehead, the bus rolled on.
All in all, it was probably the exact opposite experience of what programs like Upward are doing. According to their website, Upward is “a fun, reliable, passionate and encouraging sports experience for boys and girls, in K5 through sixth grade.” Their motto is “Every child plays. Every child learns. Every Child Is A Winner.” Based on those criteria, my eighth grade experience was 0 for 3. I didn’t play. My basketball skills are currently limited to awkward layups, so clearly I didn’t learn. And by no means was I a winner.
Upward is at thousands of churches around the country right now and I wish it had been at mine when I was a kid. Since it wasn’t, here is what I would do if I was going to create my own church flavored basketball league:
1. Instead of “try outs” you have try ons.” Since no one is getting cut from the team, this is just a session for everyone to try on their new game jersey. Congratulations you made the team.
2. There are no losers in an church basketball game. Just a team that came in first and a team that came in second. At the bare minimum you’re getting a silver metal.
3. Parents don’t swear at the referee from the stands, but instead pelt him with words of affirmation, “You look good in stripes! Good call ref, in fact they’ve all been good calls today! You most definitely do not need glasses!”
4. Instead of blowing a harsh, shrill whistle, the referee blows a small, brightly colored kazoo. Instead of getting mad when you hear it as a player, you can’t help but laugh and pat your opponent on the back. “Kazoo!” you say, “Don’t you just love a kazoo?”
5. Instead of rejecting, swatting or blocking a shot, you “shot borrow,” jumping into the air and saying, “excuse me, I appreciate the basket you are trying to score right now, but I too would like to score a basket and I’m afraid I will need to borrow this basketball for a moment to try my own shot.”
6. Instead of doing a crossover dribble to shake opponents, you do a cross. Your opponent gets to see the shape of the cross formed on the floor and reflect on what Christ did for us while you get to blow by them to score a basket. It’s a win-win.
That’s how I imagine church basketball to be, but it’s possible I’m off.
Do your kids play? Did you play? Maybe someone with some Upward experience can let me know how their experience has been or if my version sounds awesome.
