#395. The Christian version of Guitar Hero.
I’ve played the video game “Guitar Hero” twice and both times I sucked. The first time was at Best Buy and an 8-year old tried to show me how. I felt like an old man, as if I should say, “Hold on, let me put my walker down for a minute, and sit a spell, all this fancy guitar is liable to break my hip.” The second time wasn’t any better. I couldn’t make it through the very easiest song, “Slow Ride” by Foghat, which is apparently an 84-minute long song.
So when I heard there was a Christian version of Guitar Hero coming out, called “Guitar Praise,” I figured I wouldn’t add it to Stuff Christians Like. Not because I don’t like it, there are some bands I dig on the game, but just because the whole “why do we need to make a Christian version of everything” argument had already been made better than I can make it on other blogs. (And this blog started as an ironic response to the popular site Stuff White People Like, so it seemed a little silly for me to argue that angle.)
But then a friend of mine named Jason out in Oklahoma emailed me about his idea for “Worship Band,” a Christian version of the game Rock Band, in which you work your way up the charts as a Christian Praise band.
I started to think what if? What if the Christian gaming community let me and Jason design the next version of Guitar Praise? What would that look like?
1. In the game, the first thing you would have to do is design your character. One of the things you could do is set your worship leader’s “metrosexuality rating.” Each accessory you added, white belt, graphic t, hair product etc, would raise it a few points.
2. You’d start off the game in a small hometown church with about 8 members. If you played well for a few Sundays in a row, a music minister from a slightly bigger church would have their car break down one morning and come to your church for help. He’d hear your amazing guitar and recruit you.
3. During the second stage of the game you get to play lead guitar at a bigger church, but it’s on a Sunday before a national holiday when they’ll let anyone play. Your first gig involves you and a lady with a rain stick jamming on July 3rd.
4. During each song, you have to monitor the quality of your playing by the level of crowd participation. If every one is sitting down and not singing along, you are bombing. Do a little better and a few people start to clap along. Rock a little harder and people get on their feet. Bring it a little more and people sing with their hands raised. Tear the roof off and people start to dance.
5. If you become too good though, people start to complain that you’re “too showy.” People will say “she forgot that worship is about God, not about her.” They’ll start to say, “I liked the old worship leader better.” So be careful.
6. When you miss a lot of notes and don’t play very well, the senior pastor brings his guitar to church or tries to sit in on drums because, “He’s always felt like God called him to the pulpit and to music.”
7. If you’re a jerk to the sound guys and act like a diva, they’ll lower your microphone Sunday after Sunday until you lose the game.
8. In between songs you have to prove you’re good at “Talk Singing,” creating clever little intros into each song that make us think you’re just talking but secretly you’re leading us into the first verse. Example, “Me and my husband we’re talking this weekend. We were sharing a coffee to discuss some issues we’re facing and we realized … everyone needs compassion, love that’s never failing, let mercy fall on me.”
9. If you get really good, if your score is off the charts, the crowd lets you play popular secular songs in church, like Coldplay’s “Viva la Vida.”
10. At the end of the game, to tally your final score, the church takes a love offering. If you did well, you’re able to afford three new pairs of white Pumas and book some recording time at a studio in Nashville.
Will Guitar Praise
