Remix – #16. Greeting the people around you.

A few years ago I retired from the professional “meet & greet” circuit. I mean I still shake a few hands and smile a little when the pastor says “greet the people around you” during service, but I no longer do it competitively. What’s that you say, you thought that portion of the service was simply a way to build a sense of community? Or perhaps a simple method to get your blood flowing and your energy level up before worship? If that is the case, if you have held on to such beliefs lo’ these many years, then you should probably stop reading this because what I am about to reveal might ruin you. You will try to greet people on a Sunday morning with a serious countenance, “Yes, yes, good to see you farmer Brown. Hello Mr. Smith, a blessed morning to you old chap,” but inside you might be secretly thinking about this post. (Did you notice that in my imagination, you have a British accent and go to church with farmers? Is that weird?)

So if you long to hold on to the tradition of shaking hands with strangers with a straight face, turn back right now.

Still there? I warned you.

Welcome to the world of competitive meet and greet, or as we like to call it, “meet & defeat.” The object of this underground game is simple – you try to greet more people than any of your friends. It’s a game of quantity, with the winner earning a free lunch after church from all the losers. All you have to do is greet as many people as you can. Sounds easy right? Wrong. The objective is easy. The methods are anything but.

I honed my skills over a 22-year period as a pastor’s kid. Sunday, after Sunday, I was there in church, shaking hands. Patting backs, high fiving until I could five no more. Slowly but surely I worked my way up the ranks, but at some point I lost my joy. Meet & defeat felt like something I did as a profession, not a passion. The thrill was gone. Until I met you. You have inspired me to come out of retirement. You readers have reminded me what is fun and hilarious about church. You have put a spring in my step. Starting this Sunday, if you see me at North Point expect to witness a whirlwind of hands and hellos, a veritable grab bag of greetings just flying around as I make my way through the crowd during the 20-second meet and greet window. If I speak at your church, plan on me coming down from the pulpit and shaking hands like a man on a mission, shouting, “don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years” a la LL Cool J.

But before I do, before I make my triumphant return to the noble sport of meet & defeat, let me level the playing field. Here are the secrets it took me more than two decades to learn:

1. Sit strategically.
A lot of rookies make the mistake of thinking that if you want to shake a lot of hands, you have to sit in the middle of a row. Bad move. After meeting everyone directly to the North, South, East and West of you, you’ll only have added earned four points and you’ll be boxed in. Sit at the end of the second to last row. You’ll still have access to three of the four points mentioned above, but with the fourth spot unencumbered, you’ll be free to run up and down greeting people in other rows. The points will pile up.

2. Analyze the people around you.
This isn’t like the Marines, when it comes to meet & defeat, if you want to win, you have to leave a man behind. Avoid sitting near people that seem to be slow dancing with their coffee cup. You know the type, they’re holding it with both hands, really savoring the warmth. They’ll have to put down that cup if you want to shake their hand and that’s going to cost you precious time. Also take note of who is right or left handed near you. Avoid lefties if it all possible. They might force a “left switch” on you at the last second, insisting that you use your left hand to shake. (If you’re left handed, you can still excel at meet & defeat, but it’s going to take some extra work.)

3. Use all your tools.
I don’t love to give high fives or fist bumps in most social situations. But for 20 seconds every Sunday morning, I make an exception. Use the high five to run down the entire front row, slapping each hand as if you just hit a home run and are greeting your teammates. Use the fist bump for long distance greets where you can’t comfortably shake hands over an aisle. Never use the double hand shake, where you sandwich your two hands around somebody else’s hand. Huge waste of time. Also a little sweaty.

4. Distract and conquer.
I revealed some fairly devious tricks in my post about the “please turn to” Bible verse race. Those ideas apply here as well with one new addition. When you sit down with a friend you are playing against, begin to build doubt in his/her mind by saying things like, “wow, sure do seem to be a lot of people sneezing today. Must be flu season. So many germs going around this time of year.” Then rub a little antibacterial lotion on your hands dramatically, as if you’re not even going to play meet & defeat today. They’ll be so focused on not getting sick they won’t notice that you’re ten hands deep until it’s too late.

5. Get on camera.
Not every church has a video camera taping the service, but if they do, try to get on. It’s always nice to have your meet & defeat victory recorded for posterity. You know, something to show your grandkids someday.

6. Small churches, big fun.
If you go to a small church, less than 100 folks or so, the meet & defeat game is a little different. It’s less about quantity and more about quality. Focus on shaking the hand of every visitor. Since you’ll know most of the people you go to church with, a cool benefit of a smaller congregation, it won’t be difficult to identify who is new. Bear in mind, you shouldn’t have to climb over pews to shake their hand. You lose points for each visitor you terrify.

7. If you tie, go to overtime.
Sometimes, when two professionals go to the same church, there are going to be ties. You shook 12 hands and so did the lady across from you. Time for a tiebreaker. At the end of service, when you are all dismissed, hold your own impromptu meet & greet. The awkwardness is cranked up a notch as you frantically shake hands with people that are trying to get to the parking lot or go to lunch. Good times.

A lot of people will tell you that it’s good to do things like spiking the offering plate on the ground to distract your opponent. Others suggest letting a live badger lose in the sanctuary to cause pandemonium so that you can slap everyone’s back in a friendly manner as they try to avoid the claws and teeth and fury of the badger. Not me, I’m a purist. I play for the love of the game. And I hope you will too.